Well, it’s July, and if Hallmark is getting into the Christmas spirit, why can’t we? Michelle (@micnic1291) and I thought it would be fun to imagine what our favorite citizens of Purgatory might want for the holiday.

Oh, it looks like the gang grabbed the pool table from Nedley’s Office for their Christmas in July party.

Wynonna: A. DAY. OFF. FROM. EVERYTHING.

Doc: Some “it’s a tiny human” cigars for when Baby Earp is born, because no matter who the bio dad is, Doc Holliday is all in.

Dolls: A subscription to whatever the “I’m probably half dragon” version of Farmers Only is, since it seems his love life is currently DOA. And some Tums for his (heart)burn.

Waverly: A plush unicorn to cuddle when Nicole isn’t around, and a signed statement from all of Purgatory and the Earpers declaring her “The Earpiest Earp to ever Earp.”

Nicole: A new (second) toolbox to keep at the Homestead (because you know she has her own at her apartment), a sturdy lock for Waverly’s bedroom door, and a shirt with “Aphrodite made me do it” on the front.

Sheriff Nedley: A membership renewal for PFLAG, a Hawaiian shirt for retirement, since he’s passing the torch off to Nicole, and tickets to see Wonder Woman to remind him what it’s like in non-Patriarchal Bullshit Land.

Chrissy Nedley: A new supply of chloroform, because she used all of hers at Bobo’s party.

Gus: A new truck, because Wynonna seems to have taken custody of hers…and directions back from the out-of-town portal she fell through mid-way through season one.

Mercedes Gardner: Some face moisturizer. No reason. And a subscription to the Bacon of the Month Club.

Champ: YOU GET NOTHING.

Tucker Gardner: NOTHING FOR YOU, EITHER, CREEPER.

I disagree. He gets a swift kick to the box.

Change approved.

Rosita: A sweater. That poor girl is going to get frostbite with her current wardrobe. You’re in Purgatory, the place you imagine would be scorching but is actually subarctic.

Baby Earp Heir: Whiskey-bottle-shaped baby bottles. And a giant family tree, because life is about building the family you want, instead of the family you have.

Jeremy: A burrito and a solo bro date with Doc. And a better way to test for lead.

Beth Gardner: Some more Little House on the Prairie cosplay…also an appointment with a doctor that’ll pull the stick out of her…wherever it may be lodged.

Bobo: A coordinating sleeveless shirt (that matches his coat) because where he is, it’s probably too warm for winter gear.

Lucado: A time machine to go back and not touch the goo.

Emily Andras: A new stable for her unicorn children and an official certificate proclaiming her The Best Showrunner in All the Land.

The entire Earper community: New 60-inch TVs, a customized bonus blanket, and a la carte cable to watch SEASON 3 OF WYNONNA EARP!

Many thanks, dear Earpers, for reading. Michelle and I hope you enjoyed it, and we want to thank Jill for the truly excellent photo work.

On a personal note, if I could bestow Earper points, I would pass them out readily to both of these fine folks, as they are lovely people, excellent Earpers, and two of my favorite friend-type humans.

Merry freaking EarpMas, my friends, and hooray for season 3!