Hello, friends, and welcome to this week’s Unnecessarily Long Recap. Of course, these days it’s maybe reasonably long and not actually a recap, but I named it this two months ago, and now I’m stuck with it, so…

Anyway, jump over your couch and have a seat, because this week’s episode was a doozy!

Monica’s Random Points of Randomness:

• Previously on Wynonna Earp, we remember that Doc, like most people on TV, can close dead people’s eyes by just waving his hand over them. Also, Widow!Mercedes wants to get high on the Haught.
• Poor Nicole. She is basically the Giles of this series with how much she gets knocked around. (*furiously scribbles notes for a blog post comparing Buffy and Wynonna Earp characters* look for that soon!)
• Like, Widow!Mercedes really goes to town on Nicole, and not in the fun Waverly way. Damn.
• “I’m more of an IKEA kind of girl” is very on brand with the kind of queer lady Nicole Haught is. A thousand points.
• I love my wife and everything, but I think if I referred to her as “my lord” (or whatever the queer-lady version of that would be), I would need to re-evaluate our relationship. (What would that be? My…lady? My galpal? My Shane?)
• So happy we didn’t see the last of Waverly’s Sexy Sticks!
• I know in the BTS video, Emily said, “Get away from her, you bitch!” was from Alien, but…I’ve never seen that movie. Instead, it felt very Molly Weasley to me.
• I think the picture frame in the pic above and this bookcase are actually from IKEA. Also possibly the couch.
• Nicole, I know you run towards the danger, but…can you maybe be little more careful? Ugh. I know you can’t, or you wouldn’t be Nicole.
• I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS, including but not limited to: Nicole’s IKEA bookshelf, her bookends on the top, her entire outfit, the fact that she’s jumping over a couch, her collection of stuff on the fridge, her love for decorative pillows. And the fact that it’s my new favorite picture to use on Twitter.
• Watching her get bitten is really hard. Like, I had no doubt she would survive, but…
• So Widow!Mercedes can tell if someone has her seal by…tasting them? That’s a neat trick. Maybe just go into Shorty’s and start chomping? Or Mama Olive’s, since it’s much more common there. You’ll find it in no time, I’m sure.
• So, I guess maybe Nicole doesn’t wear the same ring from season one, but we did get two close-up shots of her most recent one as she’s bleeding. Now it seems like it’s a red herring, but even if it’s not the seal, we do still have two more episodes. Perhaps this will be involved in my Insane Theory! Here’s a reminder!
• Waverly panicking and holding Nicole as she calls 911 is heartbreaking. “Don’t die, baby, don’t die.” Like Willow Rosenberg, when Waverly cries, I have all of the sad.
• Okay, this is way too many screenshots. Dial it back, Monica.
• I love so many things about Nedley in this episode. Currently, it’s his continuing strong opinions on movies and his absolute trust in Wynonna Earp, a characteristic that we share.
• Nedley’s a sheriff who has lived in Purgatory his entire life but has to ask Wynonna where the hospital bathroom is?
• Wynonna’s affection for Mercedes is adorably evident as she’s in the hospital room, talking to her nose. She feels so guilty for bringing all of this on her friend, even though it’s technically not her fault. Yeah, she’s the heir, but she didn’t cause the curse, she didn’t free the Widows, she didn’t ask for any of this, and on and on and on.
• Okay, Dolls, Waverly didn’t actually cheat, so wipe that judgy look off of your face.
• Waverly kept the secret about Rosie the Revenant for like an hour. Get your shit together, Waves.
• THE EARP GIRLS ARE UNDER THE PRESSURE OF SO MUCH GUILT. MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT.
• Except for the evil and cannibalistic parts, I think I like Widow!Beth better than OriginalFlavor!Beth. She has a very strong Cordelia vibe, but with extra evil.
• “You smell rare.” Well, that seems ominous. And extremely specific. And makes me want a steak.
• Oh, man. Even The Widows know about The Height Difference ™!
• Nicole essentially making Wynonna her medical power of attorney is just another great advancement in the relationship between these two. She could never ask Waverly to be the one to end her life, and she knows Wynonna can handle anything.
• “You give Calamity Jane to Nedley.” Seriously, Evelyn. My heart.
• Here are the things I love about this scene: Nicole takes the time to apologize to Waverly because she knows she fucked up. She knows she did something wrong, and even though she had good intentions, it was a mistake. I love that Waverly knew that even though it was the right time for Nicole to get that off of her chest, it wasn’t the right time to come clean about Rosie. Nicole’s confession of love is believable and important and amazing, and even more meaningful after we learn about…you know. I like that Waverly channeled her inner Maggie Sawyer and refused to say goodbye. Also, all of the acting? So fucking amazing.

 

• I like Jeremy’s tendency to do nervous rambles, and I like that instead of chastising him for it, Waverly agreed that Komodos were really cool.
• I suspect that finding a dildo in a nunnery wouldn’t actually be that difficult.
• Doc: I’m not helping you. Wynonna: Nicole is dying. Doc: *grabs two guns, a metric ton of bullets, a knife, and his hat; is all in*
• Seems like Doc’s poker luck was tied to that ring, too.
• Of course Nedley got Nicole’s cat a new scratching post.
• So, Widow!Mercedes attacked Nicole even though she didn’t have the seal, but if she hadn’t attacked her, Nedley never would have been there to pick up Calamity Jane. Such a mind fuck. Also, it’s been like two hours. We’ve left Graham for four days before. Everyone calm down.
• Nicole doesn’t speak to her parents? Well, that made me sad.
• So…Nicole has a wife. I like this. A lot. She’s been too perfect, like Tara in Buffy prior to “Family.” Good news, though — Nicole is a lot more interesting than Tara was. (Okay, put down your pitchforks and back away. I love Tara — she’s one of my favorites — but her character became interesting after she broke up with Willow. But we’re getting off point.) But still — she did a silly, irresponsible thing when she was young. Good to know that pleat wasn’t always in her pants, so to speak. And does this mean she’s a Britney fan?
• Do they wear these to, like, parties? I guess khakis aren’t as threatening. How do they drink punch with those masks, though?
• Ewan? Kind of a dick. Maybe he’s Willa reincarnated.
• Interesting that Ewan knows that Dolls was taken at a young age by Black Badge. I’m not surprised he was, and here’s why — It seems he was created, not born that way, and he said to Doc in season 1 that he’s been using his meds since he was young to help control himself.
• I’m glad that Ewan doesn’t even try to pretend he cares about the Earps. He is just interested in self-preservation.
• Why does the order travel with that plate? For emergency nachos?
• So if Nicole and Shae met not far from Vegas, my head canon is that they were both there for ClexaCon. I KNOW IT DOESN’T MATCH UP. LET ME HAVE THIS.
• Shae is basically explaining that she and Nicole were super hot for each other, got married, and then when the sex died down, they ended…which is a great thing to explain to your wife’s girlfriend.
• Britney Live has been running since 2013, so it’s a relatively new marriage.
• A “Kimmy Schmidt” reference?!
• I guess they really do serve coffee in Shorty’s. Huh. I thought Nicole was just trying to force a meeting with the hot bartender.
• I love the scene with Rosie and Wynonna. Wynonna is so believable, and being willing to shoot her last is a good deal. I know she doesn’t want to die, but Wynonna’s priority has to be ending the curse. But a dick move to threaten her and not just ask, Wynonna.
• Jeremy, literally everyone cares about Rosita’s body except for you.
• Jeremy knows Rosie’s a Revenant, huh? More proof that he’s some sort of…seer? Sensitive? Something.
• Doc, how did it take you so long to see Nedley’s hat, Mr. “dildo in a nunnery”?
• I like that Doc is impressed by WayHaught’s fighting skills.
• “Supernaturally well endowed” is a great description of Rosie.
• It may be casual, but Doc certainly cares about Rosita.
• So, Calamity Jane doesn’t really care for men, but she and Doc seem to know each other, which just adds her name to the long list of women who aren’t exactly…huge fans of men but are huge fans of Doc Holliday. He really is everybody’s type.
• Come out of the closet, Calamity Jane!
• I love that Doc knows Nicole’s hat size just by eyeballing her head.
• I think 7 3/4 isn’t actually that big of a hat. That size is kind of small on me. WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT MY GIANT HEAD?!
• Randy Nedley is a badass and is slowly growing to be one of my favorite characters.
• I appreciate the fact that Dolls thinks so much of Nicole’s fighting prowess that he’s willing to give up the third seal so Sheriff Clootie can be raised if it means she’ll be around to help.
• Another reason I like Rosita? Half dead (or at least hella sick) from Widow venom, she still makes a “That’s what she said” joke.
• Dude, Waverly will kiss ANYONE on this show, amirite?!
• “Purgatory: Demon Rodeo,” next on SyFy, in which demon competitors try to best Champ Hardy in their pursuit of 8 seconds of glory.
• So, does Shae think Nicole loves Waverly just from seeing them in the hospital? That seems unlikely, given that Nicole was comatose. So…another lesbian point for Nicole for staying friends with her ex.
• Iron Witch. Iron in her veins. Iron all over the place. What is this, the first Shoot meet?
• So I guess Waverly didn’t learn her lesson about making deals with supernatural entities.
• He really is everybody’s type — Wynonna, Rosita, Jeremy, Calamity Jane…me.
• Oh, man. That truck roll. I think Doc is trying to get me pregnant.
• There is something so satisfying about watching a very pregnant superhero kick the snot out of the bad guy.
• Where exactly did they get this Hannibal Lecter setup? Was Doc holding on to it in the back of the truck? Did they drive into Purgatory proper with Mercedes propped up in the back?
• Wynonna is so happy that Nicole is better. Like, so happy. She used to have no one, even if she was needy for a lone wolf. And now look at the family she’s built.
• I wonder if part of the reason Waverly decided not to trust Wynonna in the end (and make her own deal for Nicole’s life) is because Wynonna didn’t trust her enough to tell her about finding the third seal. Or if it was Dolls telling her to do it. Or just because she was a desperate woman in love. Or…some combo.
• Chanting sounds so much angrier in German, especially from a witch. One time, an Austrian witch swept my feet on Krampusnacht, so this is probably about the same thing. Except that brings good luck, whereas this…does not seem so good. Or lucky.
• Very clever how everyone’s clothes changed after Wynonna disappears. For me, not super obvious until Waverly, but on rewatch, you can see it.
• So…no one remembers Wynonna, except for Doc, who’s back in the well. Hmm…
• I can totally see Jeremy as a wedding planner.
• Just from the ending of this episode, I have a lot of “The Wish” vibes from the next episode. A world without Wynonna? The possibilities are endless. We’ll be both heartbroken and entertained at the same time, I’m sure. That seems to be this show’s jam.

Monica’s Insane Theory:

I’m still stuck on Nicole’s ring, guys. What if the ring does have some supernatural power, and the blood that flowed over it activated it? Oh, and I’m saying that the wedding is Gus marrying Nedley, because why not? I know Curtis died because of the Revenants, but even if so, seemingly healthy people do just…suddenly die. It happens all of the time. And Gus deserves happiness. And some screen time!

See you next week, friends, and thanks for reading!

[ Editor’s note — yep, it still feels Unnecessarily Long. ]