Holy shit, Earpers, this week was insane. I wasn’t able to watch live because we were celebrating the birthday of one of my closest friends, and I mentioned to her husband that “I hope she knows how much she means to me, because I don’t miss this show for just anybody.” I jumped through ridiculous hoops to watch Friday night, much to my wife’s chagrin. But my pals kept shouting at me about it, and I just had to watch. Many thanks to Top Shelf Earper @HiDizzle20 for facilitating my Friday-night viewing. Grab your snack spiders and settle in, friends, because this one is a doozie.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Waverly drafty-cheered, Mercedes showed us Wynonna cares about more than things Earp adjacent, Doc and Boobs McSeltzer Rosita have been trying to reverse-engineer Dolls’ serum, Gooverly is going wild, and Nicole’s starting to notice. Oh, and while Gooverly was Ariel-ing her shiny-metal stash, she showed herself to Dolls, who shrieked like a toddler. Good times.

We open on a quiet morning at the Homestead and the music playing sounds like right before the Dementors attack, so obviously something terrible is about to happen. Someone is walking through the barn in the most lesbian shoes I’ve ever seen, and we see that it’s Waverly. Tentacle goo, get your shit together. Those are lesbian shoes, and Waves is bi. Oh, and she’s also carrying a gigantic fucking knife.

 

Oh, nothing. Just out for a goo knife walk, like you do.

She sees Dolls’ dog tags and picks them up, because shiny. She’s interrupted from her goo trance by Wynonna, who wants to know what the fuck she’s doing outside in the freezing cold when usually she’s a duvet burrower. Wynonna throws her coat on her sister, and Waves is confused as to why she’s out there and theorizes it’s…sleepwalking? Yeah, neither of the sisters believes that, but they aren’t willing to unpack it any further right now, because it’s cold AF and they currently have no waffles. Also, Dolls is still in the barn, and he doesn’t look like he’s doing too well. Maybe he got all his strength from his dog tags?

We enter a diner that is recommended by TripAdvisor and was possibly a former Harley-Davidson dealer. Also, they have great croissants, apparently.

Because only the most important screen shots for you, dear Earpers.

A man asks to use the bathroom and heads back, stealing said croissant. (That is a giant croissant, and you can’t tell me he’ll finish it before he gets there. That’s just plain gross. You can’t pee and hold a croissant at the same time! That’s just non-gross science!) A man and a woman enter the diner, and the hostess seems to know them and sends them back to Croissant Pee-er. The man is wearing fine leather gloves, and the lady is wearing a necklace that Gooverly would drool over.

The lady seems to be the muscle and enters the room first, only to be attacked with a pool cue by the CP, who is handcuffed to a briefcase. CP works for Black Badge, and Glove and Necklace want his briefcase. Judging by that gravelly voice, Necklace isn’t fully human, but CP isn’t backing down…which was a mistake, because he gets stabbed and his hand cut off for his trouble. That’s a bad day at work.

Look at these badass motherfuckers.

At Black Badge/the Purgatory Municipal building, Jeremy and Waverly are trying to figure out the language on the Hellmouth seal and Wynonna suggests the symbols mean “assholery,” which Jeremy insists isn’t a thing.

Totally a thing, Jer-Bear. Just like Fandras.

Just as they’re talking about assholes, who should walk in but Lucado, trying to get Wynonna to take on a mission to rescue the briefcase…hand optional, I assume. Lucado sees this as her ticket back into Black Badge and NotArt’s Moody’s good graces. Waverly wishes Lucado would give Purgatory a chance. After all, they’re maybe about to get a vegetarian restaurant!

Do you mean “vaginatarian”? Good one.

Wynonna declines, because she is the goddamn Earp heir and has nothing to prove to any of them, really. But guess who does.

Um, me?

Lucado thinks she’s incapable, but she underestimates our beloved Willow Waverly. She starts by telling them she’s been looking into spy schools, but when Jeremy lets the “there are no spy schools” cat out of the bag, she admits she knows that but still thinks they should give her a chance. She lists her qualifications — speaks four languages fluently, super bendy, took a tranq dart and still went to band practice.

You look like a flute girl. No reason.

Lucado insists they’ll have backup and it’s a good case for Waverly to start out on. Surprisingly, Wynonna agrees — not because of Lucado’s hard sell, but because who can so no to Waverly’s cute little face?

Back in the lab Shorty’s basement, Rosita and Doc are cooking up some lizard meds, because what else would you be doing in the basement of the saloon where Wyatt Earp drank? Doc is trying to tell Rosie what to do, but she’s not having it.

Which one of us sweaty, beautiful people has a background in chemicals? The one with better arms (tie) better hair (tie) dynamite (MIA) boobs, that’s who.

Just to prove my point that Doc doesn’t know what he’s doing, their LizMeds contraption starts hissing steam, and Doc tries to turn off the valve bare-handed and gets a wicked palm burn for his trouble. Rosie turns off the valve and still manages to seem charmed by Doc and his olden-timey sayings, despite his mansplaining. Dr. Rosie prescribes some aloe, then mentions Doc has a long lifeline. It’s hard to tell from the smoldering glances they’re throwing one another if she knows exactly how long it is, but it does seem she’d like to see if maybe it continues in his pants.

At the cop kitchen, where Nicole and Wynonna do all or their bonding, Nicole’s eating the saddest frozen pizza we’ve ever seen, and we finally find out that she and Champ have something in common — they don’t eat gluten. Nicole thinks they’re having a normal conversation, but Wynonna takes the opportunity to talk about about the weirdness Nicole talked about with Waverly. She’s noticed it, too.

No snark here. Just look at the relief on Nicole’s face that she’s not crazy and Wynonna believes her, mixed with the terror that there is actually something wrong with her girlfriend. That’s “this is a serious talk with my gal pal’s sister” face if I’ve ever seen it.

Though thrilled Wynonna wants to talk about it, Nicole won’t betray Waverly’s trust…and Wynonna doesn’t want her to. Nicole says Waves is struggling a little with who she is, and Wynonna is afraid it’s gonna get her hurt. Wynonna talks about the changes she’s been seeing and mentions her pre-dawn subzero walkabout. Also, all of the cutlery in the cop kitchen is missing, including the fork with only one tine.

But how would you comb your hair with a dinglehopper that only has one stick?

She pulls Waverly’s morning knife out of her pocket and tells Nicole where it came from…and then finds Doll’s dog tags and runs to the barn. Dolls has devolved even further than even we the audience have seen him, so Wynonna is understandably shaken.

Still handsome, but terrifying.

Wynonna keeps her cool, though, and manages to get through to him…after getting tossed around a bit and then pulling Peacemaker on him. But what’s a little gunplay between kissin’ pals?

He doesn’t want her to see him like this, though, because he can’t control his inner lizard.

Who can, am I right?

She tries to convince him to leave peacefully, and when that doesn’t work, she hits him with Peacemaker and knocks him out, then drags him out via wheelbarrow, exposing Ariel’s Waverly’s treasure…which of course Oblivious Wynonna ™ doesn’t notice.

Meanwhile, at the Ba-Ding! Ba Ding!…

I love culture as much as or more than the next person, but this seems out of place in Purgatory.

Waves heads in for her big spy debut, and in true Waverly fashion, she researched technique and successfully picked her first lock thanks to YouTube. Don’t tell your best baby about that new skill, Waves, and…I wonder if she used Doc’s dental tools. She tells Lucado maybe they should have a safeword to send in the backup, because Waverly is a planner. Lucado absentmindedly agrees, not paying attention, it would seem. The cover story is that she’s dropping off an application to be a bartender, which, if that were the case, I kind of feel like the Shorty’s shirt really would have sold it.

As she’s about to try the conveniently labeled “dressing room,” Necklace (whose “real” name is Cujo) thinks she’s the singing talent for the night. Gooverly makes a brief appearance, agreeing that she is, in fact, the entertainment. Waves pops back in her body, and Lucado tells her to sing.

I could sing “I Feel Pretty” or “What Do the Simple Folk Do?” Or “I Feel Pretty.” What do you think, Daddy?

Wynonna hobbles down Shorty’s steps with Dolls in tow. Doc says the medicine isn’t ready for the deputy marshal, and apparently Boobs McSeltzer didn’t know she was helping save a lawman. Wynonna wants to ask Black Badge for the LizMeds recipe, but Doc suggests calling Jeremy. Wynonna is reluctant, but it’s better than bringing down the wrath of Lucado and her bosses. Probably.

Wynonna promises not to abandon her former boss, no matter what kind of lizard he is. Doc interrupts this heartfelt (for her) confession to tell her about Waverly’s eyes. FINALLY! Now so many people know! There’s no way this could end badly!

Well…

At the Gardner manse, Mercedes, head intact, is snacking on some bacon. Tucker, in full cat-shirt, obviously, taunts her. Mercedes is acting like she’s never had bacon, which is our first clue that maybe something is wrong with her, because they put bacon in all of the things.

Bacon jelly, bacon waffles, candied bacon, chocolate bacon, maple bacon doughnuts…

Tucker asks where his other sister is, and Mercedes tells him she’s “putting on her face.” Tucker’s mad at Mercedes for not sticking up for him to Nicole, and she’s had quite the turn of attitude, suggesting that he “teach her a lesson.” Tucker notices something’s wrong, especially because Mercedes keeps answering his questions with questions, which is not the straight-shooter he’s used to, and definitely not the badass bitch she vowed to become after watching Wynonna beat up those hockey bros. Tucker huffs off, and we hear a scream from other room as Mercedes smirks and continues chomping on her bacon.

Wynonna finds Jeremy trying to decode the mystery of the Hellmouth seal. Wynonna asks where Waverly and Lucado are, and Jeremy mentions that Lucado keeps screwing up, all the while huffing our heroine. He stops mid-sentence, declares he smells ammonia mixed with oranges, and then rips her jacket off…and just in time, since about 3.7 seconds after he throws it on the floor, it bursts into flames. No, Wynonna, he’s not a firestarter. Your polyester jacket and the LizMeds chemicals do not mix, just like you and Jeremy.

He deduces that Dolls is alive, and he wants to help, because Dolls knows what happened to Jeremy’s mom, and also one time he helped Jeremy do a chin-up. Even though that seems unlikely, Wynonna’s willing to trust Jeremy, because they’re running out of time. Jeremy sniffs her jacket and tells her she’s using too much ammonia, then tells her Waverly and Lucado are at Ba-Ding! Ba-Ding!

At Ba-Ding! Ba-Ding!, Waverly’s onstage, about to sing, because of course she is. After a missed start, she absolutely nails it, singing her heart out and working the crowd, keeping Glove from leaving. You can see the Waverly’s progression from nervous and uncertain to bold and more confident, and then Spy!Waves takes over, doing whatever it takes to get her man to stay. So to speak.

Perfection.

Good thing Bonus Blanket doesn’t know about this. She didn’t want to share Cheerleader!Waverly with the world; I can’t imagine what she’d think about Chanteuse!Waverly.

Glove and his buyer take off, and Chanteuse!Waverly does a quick change into Spy!Waverly and follows. Lucado is impressed with Waves’ skills, and she didn’t even see her in the dress! She tells her to keep following the duo, and Waverly presses on.

What can I say? I love this character around doorways this season.

Glove successfully negotiates four times his rate for the briefcase, then shoots the buyer.

TACOS ARE TASTY!

Wynonna tears Lucado out of her narc-mobile, and Lucado admits there’s no backup. Wynonna’s going in alone, then, but not before she Molly Weasley-s Lucado and socks her in the jaw…and then threatens to shoot her if anything happens to Baby Girl.

Wynonna finds Waverly and the dead buyer, asking if Waverly killed him. Now they’re surrounded by bad guys. GREAT!

Waverly is mad that Wynonna blew her cover and that no one has any faith in her, and the best time to talk about all of this is while the Earp sisters are tied up and being held hostage. Wynonna tries to keep their identity a secret, but Glove knows they’re Black Badge. Waverly threatens Black Badge backup, but Glove knows “the ice queen in the van” was alone…and is gone.

Glove wants to know what’s in the case, and Waves wants to know why you’d steal a a case full of something that you don’t even know what it is. Glove steals from the rich and sells to the highest bidder, and he’s not super concerned about the actual things he’s taking, as long as he makes his bank. He asks what “EE” stands for, and when the sisters won’t tell him, he says to close the club so they can have a chat. Oh, shit. Nothing good happens after hours in a club.

Doc and Rosita are about to dose Dolls, and Jeremy interrupts them. Through Rosie’s choking hand, Jeremy explains that Dolls’ system can’t take all of the meds at once. They need to space it out. If Dolls is going to live, he will need every single one of the Scoobies.

Waverly jokes that this isn’t the best birthday she’s had, and when Wynonna starts to feel bad, Waverly wonders if Wynonna actually knows when her birthday is. Waverly blames herself for the tricky pickle they’re in, but Wynonna assures her they’re going to make it out just fine. Waves feels like it’s all her fault because she just wanted to be like her big sis, but Wynonna tells her she should just be herself. And then…Waverly admits there’s something wrong with her.

Wynonna brushes it off, listing all of the shit they’re going through right now, but Waverly is smart enough to know that she’s not all there and that it started with the tentacle monster, where Willa died. Because obviously the only one smart enough to save Waverly is…Waverly.

The sleepwalking, the memory gaps, and…would I ever wear this in my hair?

Waves explains about the beckoning call of the shiny goo and how she touched it. She starts to remember and then…things start to go all wonky. Wynonna stops her and explains her plan — which is just basically wing it and then beat the bad guys. I mean, it’s a little more intricate than that, but…not really. And then after they take out Gloverton McClubOwner, they’ll figure out all that tentacle goo business.

I AM a planner, so this works for me.

Step one goes a little awry, and Waverly has to call Doc. After a truly, truly amazing Siri joke and a missed call to the Holiday Inn (and Wynonna calling Siri a stupid bitch), we cut back to Doc restraining Dolls. Dolls and Doc share some BrOTP time, and OMG, how I have missed these two together. Just a couple of guys, bonding over their love for Wynonna Earp and giving each other a hard time about missing hats and lizard selves. I ship it.

Honestly, I ship him with everyone and also some inanimate objects.

Dolls tells a far-fetched story about some guy finding him in a hunters’ cabin, and Doc deduces it’s the mysterious Juan Carlo, who also happened to mention that “something’s been broken.” Can’t just come out and say what’s up, can you, Juan Carlo? You are like another man with those initials who spoke in riddles, and that man…is Joe Cocker. Jim Carrey? Jimmy Carter. It’s right on the tip of my tongue. It’ll come to me.

Meanwhile, Doc’s phone is blowing up like mine during a live Wynonna Earp viewing, and he has 10 missed calls from Wynonna.

Nicole is at the station, going over Nedley’s file about Tucker Gardner. As if he can be summoned just be reading his name, who shows up by Mr. Creepy Cat Shirt Town himself. He complains that his sisters are “being weird,” and Alex Danvers Officer Haught basically tells him to deal with the weird, because if it wasn’t for Mercedes and Beth, he’d be in jail.

Nicole has never been more Alex Danvers than here, and add rolled-up sleeves to the mix? *faints in gay*

Much to Nicole’s surprise, Tucker apologizes to her…and she asks if he apologized to the other girls he terrorized. He mentions she’s Waverly’s…friend, and Nicole points out that has nothing to do with him. But Tucker wants to talk about Gooverly, and Nicole doesn’t have time to listen to Kitten McCreeperTee talk about her girl, even if he is a little bit right. Tucker offers to talk to Waverly for her, and Nicole insists again that he leave.

Glove and Cujo join the Earp sestras again, and Cujo cuts Waverly loose to frisk her. Instead, Glove makes to torture Waverly and traps her arm in a vise, and her sister freaks out, insisting she knows nothing about that damn briefcase. The gloves literally come off, and apparently Glove is actually a Polgara demon.

Where’s Riley Finn when you need him?!

PD makes to cut off Waves’ hand, and she tells him EE stands for “Edwin Earp,” the one-year wonder. He demands they open the briefcase, but the sisters don’t know the combination. Wynonna breaks free, but Cujo is there to slam her against the…fence? Why is there a fence inside? Anyway, then the Polgara demon cuts off Waverly’s hand.

Wait, what?

“Not the hand!” scream the queer women. “You don’t understand. She loves her hand. That’s what she…pulls up her bonus blanket with.”

Wynonna says “we” are gonna kick PD’s ass, and he reminds her that they’re all alone. Or are they?

Enter Doc freaking Holliday, who shoots up the joint AND gets a new hat in the process! Renaissance man, Doc Holliday. Polgara leaves and Wynonna overpowers Cujo, because never underestimate an Earp sister. Wynonna helps Waverly escape (and the majestic Peacemaker music is swelling in the background — it’s a truly beautiful moment). Waverly shows us she’s an Earp because, as she hobbles out of the vise room, stump and all, she still manages to make a “that’s what she said” joke.

Classic Earp.

Polgara shoots Cujo, for some weird reason, and demands that the sisters open the briefcase. Wynonna reminds him that he’s holding Earp property, and Waverly kicks him in the nards. Earpiest Earp indeed.

Jeremy instructs Rosie to eke out Dolls’ dose over the next 12 hours, and then she flirts with him. He isn’t interested, because he’s more “Team Doc” than “Team Boobs McSeltzer,” but she says she just wanted him to go get coffee, which he does. Rosie casually takes the entire vial of serum over to Dolls and seemingly taunts him with it, which is a really horrible fucking idea.  He grabs it and injects himself, as he starts to turn and he tells her to run.

Back at the club, Doc Holliday interrupts the Polgara demon about to ginsu Wynonna with a knife to the back. Wynonna explains the Glove-town took her hand, and Doc panics. He tells Waves to calm down, and instead, Waves goos down and manages to regrow her hand, like it’s made of Rogaine or something. Waves gasps as she sees the bloody towel that used to be wrapped around her stump, asking who got hurt.

Seriously, what the fuck is happening?

Doc, Wynonna, and Waverly convince themselves (or at least pretend to) that Waverly never actually had her hand cut off. Ignoring the bloody towel in the room, they move on.

Rosie locks up Dolls in the basement, and Wynonna goes into the basement to talk Dolls down. Glove shows up, Jeremy and lattes in tow, and threatens to kill him if they don’t give up the briefcase. Wynonna’s willing to let Jeremy die, which Jeremy is not super happy about. Bluffing before, Wynonna agrees to exchange Peacemaker and the briefcase for Jeremy and slowly walks away from the basement door. Dolls joins the party and appears to be more dragon than lizard now, prepping Glove like he’s a dish of fine crème brûlée. Well, that’s new.

Dolls, having gotten the fire out of his system, seems to be okay…and just wants some water. I hear milk is better for spicy food, Deputy Marshall.

Doc hands Dolls a bottle of alcohol instead, and they shake hands, because they are the broiest of TPs. And because Dolls as a dragon wasn’t Game of Thrones enough, when the demon says something is coming, Wynonna says she knows it’s winter, but that’s not what he means. He only tells her that she’s not ready and never will be, but she proves him wrong by dispatching of him with Peacemaker.

I believe she said she’s ready for anything.

Tucker finds Mercedes, who’s happy to see him. He just came by to pick up his stuff, but she tells him that “all of us” have been waiting for him. She wants to show him something and says “we” want to nurture his darkness and encourage it to flourish. GREAT.

She opens the door, and on the floor are his actual sisters, whose faces are missing while they’re still breathing. New Mercedes tells Tucker they’re his sisters now, and the interaction between the three of them is definitely not creepy at all. Apparently, he’s the reason the Widows chose to take his sisters’ faces, because they want him to be all he can be. You know, all evil like. They’ll give him anything he wants, and he says he wants…a girl.

At the Earp homestead, Waverly educates Nonna in the ways of Edwin Earp. He killed a crap ton of Revenants in a short amount of time, and Waverly casually suggests his birthday as the briefcase combination, which obviously she just Goo-gled. It works! They open the briefcase to find…

It’s like a Zonk prize on Let’s Make a Deal. Should have picked the briefcase with the money.

Still, Wynonna refuses to give the booby prize to Lucado, because Waverly lost nearly lost her hand trying to get it. Wynonna says she wants to talk about the demon goo, probably in part because they’re on the Homestead, a place where she feels safe now. She tells Waverly she just wants to help, but unfortunately she’s talking to Gooverly, who’s tired of fighting Waverly. Our little Waves is so strong and so good, and it’s exhausting for the Goo to be in control.

Once again, Wynonna draws Peacemaker on a sister, then puts it away as she tries to reason with her. She knows Waves is strong; knows she can fight this. She knows she’s inside and can win. But the Goo is tired and isn’t having any fun…then it realizes it’s maybe in the wrong sister, because Wynonna likes to have fun.

She’s just so fucking tired. Of all of it. She was not ready for this.

Gooverly taunts Wynonna because she knows she won’t kill another one of her sisters, but just like Willa, Wynonna won’t get baby sis fall victim to a tentacle goo monster, either. But the Goo’s solution to having more fun? Jump to the other sister.

No more Ms. Nice Goo, I guess.

Peacemaker starts to sizzle in Goononna’s hand, but she’s so happy to be in the other Earp that she doesn’t even care. Waverly lays on the floor, unpossessed, as Goononna  tries to decide what to do with her.

I don’t completely hate it, but this is really one of my least favorite of Melanie Scrofano’s faces.

Monica’s Random Points of Randomness:

• I loved the timing of Jeremy’s “speaking of assholes” and Lucado’s entrance. Just one little way to let us know he’s part of the team…or at least wants to be.
• Our good, old Sweet Waverly (like when she’s talking about Purgatory getting its own vegetarian restaurant) is just so wonderful. Sigh.
• No matter how worried Nicole is about her best baby, she won’t betray her confidence and tell Wynonna Waves thinks she may not be an Earp. This just speaks so much to Nicole’s character, and also Wynonna’s character because she wants Waves to have a partner she can trust.
• WRITERS, WHY DO YOU TAUNT US WITH ARIEL’S SHINY STASH? Aren’t there enough staches in this show? *ba-dump-tss*
• What happened to the person booked as the actual singing talent at the club? Good thing she’s the exact same size as Waves.
• I mean, clearly everyone on this show has an intricate back story, but we got another peek into Rosie’s and that maybe she’s in trouble with (or running from) the law. And yet, she still helps Dolls. Kind of mostly on purpose.
• Who names their kids Tucker, Beth, and…Mercedes? Like, did you have high aspirations for the first and then be like, “Fuck it.”
• So…what happened to Jeremy’s mom, do we think? Was she in Kandahar, too? Are Dolls, Mrs. Jeremy, and Eliza the three dragons of Khaleesi?!
• Is there anything Dominique Provost-Chalkley can’t do?
• Loved the song choice. A melody that blended perfectly with Dom’s voice, sultry and slow and then…not, and some pretty great actual words (Boys are like rules, They were made to be broken, Girls are like guns, You better run when they’re smokin’).
• The Ba-Ding! Ba-Ding!’s wallpaper is amazeballs.
• I guess demons love to own clubs, like Lorne from Angel.
• I’m not sure which was more heartbreaking — Waverly admitting she wanted to go “all Wynonna for once,” or Wynonna insisting that she should stick to being Waverly because of how great she was. I love all of the relationships and the setting and the writing and the costumes and the gay and the music and all of it, really, but the heart of this show — the thing that if it didn’t exist, the show would be a shadow of what it is — is the relationship between the Earp sisters. Obviously, I’m partial to the Waverly/Wynonna one, but their relationship with Willa and how it affected them after her death (both of her deaths) is important in how they deal with each other and everyone else. Wynonna isn’t Wynonna without Waverly and vice versa; and neither of them would be what they are without Willa.
• I also have more sass than sense.
• Good thing Doc has Wynonna in his phone by both first and last name, since he definitely knows more than one Wynonna. In his defense, I have my wife in my phone by first and last name, too.
• Tucker’s “You’re Waverly’s…friend” reminded me so much of “Wynonna didn’t tell me you were a…gay.”
• Oh, Tucker. For a second you sounded like you cared about Waverly as a human being and wanted to do the right thing, and then you turned into someone who’s referred to by first/middle/last name in the news.
• Tucker, if you want people to believe you when you say “I’m not a bad person,” don’t follow it up with a threat.
• Wynonna sobbing when her sister lost her hand was, again, heartbreaking. Oh, Melanie Scrofano. You give us all of the feels.
• Doc and a hat are finally reunited! It’s not his normal hat, but it’s still a good hat.
• Why doesn’t Edwin Earp have a W name?
• Are there actually coffee shops in Purgatory? I assumed they were all just figments of our fanfic writers’ imaginations.
• Sorry, Rosie. I like coffee and all, but you don’t flirt with someone that hard when you just want a latte.
• I love that Waverly’s regenerated hand doesn’t have nail polish on it.
• Dolls’ delight at being a fire-breathing dragon is super adorable.
• Does Tucker want a girl in particular, or just any girl will do? Is it Waverly, so they can make a sweet, sweet creepy home together? Nicole, so he can get his revenge? Literally any girl because he’s that fucked up?
• Disagree, Wynonna. I bet Lucado wears some empowering-as-fuck sexy lingerie.
• I wonder if Wynonna chose not to fight the goo-possession because she just wanted it to be out of Waverly.
• The goo preferring to possess Wy instead of Waves, including complaining that Waverly isn’t any fun and is too “good,” doesn’t discount my theory that the goo monster is, at least in part, Willa. This seems pretty on brand with the oldest Earp sis.
• The Goo taking over Wynonna gives the impression that it’s just put on its favorite pair of pajamas after a long day at work and curled up in its bonus blanket. It’s…finally in a place where it belongs.
• So, the “new” Gardner sisters and the Widows have to be tied somehow to the picture in the opening of the two women with the scratched-out faces. No further theories — just that tiny little observation.
• What kind of material was that briefcase made of that the shiny metal DIDN’T bring out Gooverly?

Favorite Lines:

• Wynonna: Assholery. That seal is an asshole, broken by an asshole who let an asshole crawl out of it. Assholery.
• Waverly: Yay! I’m getting briefed! Wynonna: Careful. It might just mean she’s taking your underpants. Jeremy: Well, actually — Wynonna: Yeah, I know she’s not taking her underpants, close your mouth, Jeremy. Focus on the seal.
• Doc: Thunderation! Rosita: [ Snickering ]
• Nicole: Sleepwalking? In the winter? From Ms. “Four blankets plus a bonus blanket”?
• Cujo: Hey, Cupcake! (Carmilla much, Evelyn Andrews?!)
• Wynonna: I’ll be here. Even if you turn into a lizard or a salamander or whatever you are. We’ll buy you a terrarium. Little sun lamp. Couple of plants.
• Doc: Why should we believe you? Jeremy: Firepower. Buxom biochemist. Hello. BBD Science.
• Dolls: Well, you look really small without your hat.

Least Favorite Line:

• Tucker: Where’s Beth? “Mercedes”: She’s just putting on her face. When the true meaning of this hits, it…wow. Ouch. Gross. Also, poor Beth and Mercedes.

Monica’s Insane Theory of the Week:

When Doc sees Wynonna’s missed calls, his phone tells us that it’s January 27. Knowing this absolutely must be a clue, I go to Wikipedia, and I easily figured it out. It’s so obvious, really. In 1901, Art Rooney, founder of the Pittsburgh Steelers, was born. The Earp sisters are possessed by the ghost of Art Rooney, who’s compelling them to collect shiny things to build a metal replica Three Rivers Stadium. #NailedIt

Until next week, my friends!