Wynonna Earp 2×12, AKA the One Where Everyone Made us Laugh, Broke All of Our Hearts, and Said “Vagina” a Lot

Hello, friends. What an amazing finale. I’ve seen a lot of TV, and that was one of the best. Amazeballs. The opposite of a shit strumpet. This finale also good.

Before I get into it, I wanted to talk a little bit about why this Wynonna Earp viewing was so special for me. @BridgetOnTV@nedleysoffice, and @HiDizzle20 all came to my house to watch. The second two were there for dinner, and obviously I served them the most divisive food in the Earper community, mushrooms. My wife made doughnuts for us to enjoy, and I whipped up some mocktails I called Boobs McSeltzers.

Special shout-out to my Earper-adjacent wife, Chris, for being such an accommodating and gracious co-host and making such delicious food. She is the best.

Watching with them was super fun but also a little surreal. I joked that it was like Bridget gets a full-length live reaction video, because even though she was mostly watching the episode and tweeting her gifs (that we all had to get off of wifi for because she’s such a diva), she was watching our reactions a little bit. After the episode, Bridget called in to Whiskey and Doughnuts, and before I knew it, we were on with the cast, which was a super-cool and kind-of-surreal experience. And sorry, Melanie — I know you asked for a house tour, but maybe next time. Cool?

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Wynonna Earp 2×05, AKA the One Where the Goo Jumps Between Earps, Nicole is the Best Girlfriend Ever, Doc Gets a New Car, Dolls and Lucado Fight, and Also That Reveal With Wynonna

Wow, these titles are getting longer and longer.

Hello, Earpers! Welcome to another Unnecessarily Long recap. Evelyn Andrews teased a big reveal, and holy shit, she wasn’t kidding. It was a game-changing episode, both for the series and for a new standard by which to hold show runners, networks, and their actors. Seriously, that reveal at the end said as much about Wynonna Earp the story as it did Wynonna Earp the show. Grab some soup and a peanut butter chaser; if you’re tied to a chair, get comfy; and whatever you do, DON’T TOUCH THE GOO.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Edwin Earp’s plate was stolen from a Black Badge operative, but don’t worry — his family got it back; Waverly had her hand cut off , but don’t worry — Gooverly grew it back; Dolls is a dragon; and Wynonna is now the Keeper of the Goo…and creepy AF.

We open on a cross between Buffy’s demon-lizard (patriarchial) frat boys and the Initiative chanting in the general direction of a businessman who is actually a busigooman, and they promptly cut off his head. There’s “only one” left to cleanse from the world, which sounds pretty good. Their leader, unfazed by the head he’s just dropped, asks if anyone else wants to go for nachos.

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Let’s just maybe hold off on the salsa? Or go salsa verde. No reason.

At the Homestead, Goononna is mixing up a special smoothie bloody Mary for Waverly with all of the basic food groups — home fries, bacon, and a rat. Interestingly, it looked like she cooked the bacon first, though the rat was raw.

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She’s still lovely, but this smile is so…chilling.

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Wynonna Earp 2×04, AKA the one Where — Wait, Wynonna Gets Possessed by the Tentacle Goo?!

Holy shit, Earpers, this week was insane. I wasn’t able to watch live because we were celebrating the birthday of one of my closest friends, and I mentioned to her husband that “I hope she knows how much she means to me, because I don’t miss this show for just anybody.” I jumped through ridiculous hoops to watch Friday night, much to my wife’s chagrin. But my pals kept shouting at me about it, and I just had to watch. Many thanks to Top Shelf Earper @HiDizzle20 for facilitating my Friday-night viewing. Grab your snack spiders and settle in, friends, because this one is a doozie.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Waverly drafty-cheered, Mercedes showed us Wynonna cares about more than things Earp adjacent, Doc and Boobs McSeltzer Rosita have been trying to reverse-engineer Dolls’ serum, Gooverly is going wild, and Nicole’s starting to notice. Oh, and while Gooverly was Ariel-ing her shiny-metal stash, she showed herself to Dolls, who shrieked like a toddler. Good times.

We open on a quiet morning at the Homestead and the music playing sounds like right before the Dementors attack, so obviously something terrible is about to happen. Someone is walking through the barn in the most lesbian shoes I’ve ever seen, and we see that it’s Waverly. Tentacle goo, get your shit together. Those are lesbian shoes, and Waves is bi. Oh, and she’s also carrying a gigantic fucking knife.

 

Oh, nothing. Just out for a goo knife walk, like you do.

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Wynonna Earp 2×03, AKA the One with Cheerleader Waverly and Also a Shit Ton of Other Stuff, Including Nicole Being a Kickass Cop

The formatting of the pictures this week is a little cocked up. I apologize. I was working on four different electronic devices and was having trouble getting everything where it needed to go. And technology is difficult!

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Wynonna missed Dolls and Doc said it was okay, Nicole is concerned that Waverly is still “her” Waverly, and then they have sexy times, after which Waverly is so famished after that she needs to refuel with a spider snack, which I feel is definitely not on brand with what is normal Nicole’s Waves. But it does tell us that Officer Haught’s skills aren’t just in cuffing perps, if you know what I’m saying. (I’m saying she’s good at the sex.)

Hold on to your taints, E-trains, because this is the episode we have all been waiting for. Evelyn Andrews and company finally gave us the cheerleading scene she’s been teasing for months, and then, quite frankly, it ends up being one of the least-fascinating parts of the story. I mean, as long as you’re here at least a little bit for plot and not just gratuitous cheerleader undercarriage.

The episode opens on Waverly doing a special cheer for her gal pal, Nicole. It’s sexy. It’s sweet. It’s technically impressive because apparently there’s nothing Dominique Provost-Chalkley can’t do. How can a scene be so sweet and so motherEarping Haught hot? I don’t know, but it is. (Also, I’m rewatching this in a salon/spa in West Virginia as I write this part and have to carefully angle the screen so no one grabs pitchforks and attacks the lesbian for watching “porn.”) And only this show can have a cheerleading scene and it still feels feminist and empowering.

 

No salty comments. No pop-culture references. This scene was amazing, and the talent of both Dominique to perform it and Katherine to react to it is unmeasurable. A tip of the nonexistent hat to you, ladies.

Nicole says the gross people at Homecoming will love her cheer routine, and Waverly explains this was a special show only for her girlfriend, before she has to [pouting] go on patrol. Well, Waverly, that’s what happens when you exclude your woman from signing blood oaths with ancient government agencies. She has to do boring things like patrol and do crowd control instead of joining you in the decontamination shower. Waverly doesn’t care much for this, because instead of all hands being on deck, she wants Nicole’s hands to stay right where they are.

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Guess she likes the haircut. Also, this look is just pure love like.

Waves continues her preview for her GIRLFRIEND, but unfortunately Wynonna once again clam-jams her sister — almost literally — and walks in on what apparently was a somewhat naked cheer. Whoops!

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Seriously, is part of your heir power to walk in at literally the worst time? Because that’s all you do.

Nicole decides to leave, the awkwardness just too much for her. Waverly agrees to “meet” her later, meaning hang out at the high school while Nicole is on duty. Wynonna takes advantage of her absence to tease Waverly about her new relationship, asking if she needs to leave a pair underwear on the door to signal she’s with her girlfriend, since they’re not being used for anything else. Waverly sees through Wynonna’s deflecting, though, and Wynonna admits she can’t get the image of Earl’s body in the open Hellmouth out of her head. Sure, nothing else has happened, but Wynonna’s not stupid. Something is coming.

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THE DANGER IS DEFINITELY NOT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

Wynonna continues polishing the shaft of Peacemaker and threatens to leave Waverly to deal with the demons alone. One really great usage joke (lam/lamb) later, Waverly grabs the gun, makes the requisite “polishing the shaft” joke, gives the gun barrel some pretty seductive non-goo eyes, giving credence to my theory that she’s trying to make shiny things and herself her new OTP. Wynonna talks about high school in basically the same tone that I do, since she hated every single one of those motherfuckers. Waves insists it wasn’t that bad, and Wy says some were “champs,” leading this viewer to expect Champ Hardy and his Champ Stamp to show up. So. Freaking. Confusing.


“They were champs,” she says, which is definitely not foreshadowing! Are we about to meet a tiny army of gluten-free boy-men?

We enter the high school and find a young man (Bryce) staring at a trophy, muttering about how much of an idiot he was. I don’t know Bryce, but basing my judgment off of my high-school experience, he was an idiot. Ominous music plays, alerting us to TROUBLE! And trouble in this case means a demon with some worms for a face.


Ew.

The demon compels Bryce to pull out his…liver? (Listen, I type for a living. I don’t know much about basic human biology, other than a little bit of chemistry, if you know what I’m saying. wink) Bryce kneels down, liver in his hand, because those are apparently really easy to pull out when a demon is helping you with surgery.


I wish I had some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Nicole and Nedley are investigating the murder. Nicole wants to check his ID, but Nedley knows who he is, because Nedley has been around for 30 years and Nicole is a rookie flatfoot but looks way better in khakis and is also hella smart even if she didn’t go to high school with these jags. Bryce was a member of the last high school team that won a hockey championship, proving Purgatory is basically an alternative version of Pittsburgh because who else would be so obsessed with hockey, really? Oh, right. Canada.

Nedley wants to pass this off to Black Badge, but Nicole doesn’t understand, because it’s a “straight-up homicide — it’s ours.”


Don’t think you’re the best judge of straight anything, HaughtPants.

Nedley says there are other things going on in town with homecoming, so they need to pass it off, which sounds like a load of Revenant poop to me. Obviously, he knows something is going on. He tells her to make it like it never happened, and Nicole’s good-cop hackles are rising. Wynonna, who was apparently watching the whole exchange, doughnut in hand, takes a handful of photos on her cellphone, feeling that she has done her part. Nicole’s frustration is evident, to say the least.


You are getting powdered sugar everywhere, and I have to clean that up. Also, you couldn’t even bring me a doughnut? I thought we had a connection.


This is not the finger I’m giving you in my head.

Shorty’s has reopened under new management, and it’s going so much better than the last new management, because probably way less murder and torture. Rosita is restocking while Doc is basically just standing around, looking pretty. Wonder if he ever fixed those taps? He asks Rosita about their “latest cocktail,” which I’m assuming is the Bubba Basement Special. She needs better ingredients, something pure. And also more tequila.


I am…unfamiliar with pure things as of late. Tequila? No problem.

Wynonna shows up looking for Doc, and Rosita asks if she wants a spritzer, which is somehow the most insulting thing she could have said. Mercedes is there and invites Wynonna over to commiserate over some tequila. No wonder they just ran out.

Wynonna asks about Mercedes’ siblings, Beth and Tucker, who are apparently douche canoes and worthy of a Grey Gardens reference. Mercedes tries to fix up Wynnona with former classmate Perry, who is…incredibly good looking.


I do like pretty boys.

Wynonna says Perry doesn’t have much of a personality, because if there’s one running theme with Wynonna’s men, it’s they have a shit ton of personality. Mercedes picks up on her broken heart immediately, though.


What heart? I’m the goddamn Earp heir! A lone wolf! Just today I…walked in on my underwear-less sister. I’m…so…sad.

Then Wynonna remembers Perry was friends with Bryce and wants to interrogate him, so Mercedes invites him over, which was not exactly what she had in mind, but she’s going to roll with it. Perry remembers her as the girl everyone who was scared of, talks about her dead sister and father, and mentions her breakdown, which leads me to believe he needs to take a class in the Nicole Haught Art of Seduction and Wooing Earp Women ™. She leaves, and apparently whatever her deal is now gets Perry going, because he asks Mercedes for her number.

Wynonna finally finds Doc (who seems to have found that extra tequila) and shows him a picture of Bryce, but Doc has no idea what the ’07 team, champs, or even hockey are. Wynonna wonders if the liver-removal has something to do with her Hellmouth seal under the library in the chapel, and Doc reminds her that they have both that and the extra demon beasties to round up for Black Badge. It’s a pretty busy week. Rosita invades Doc’s personal space, and Wynonna gets instantly jealous and insults Rosita’s intelligence. Doc defends her mixology skills, and Wynonna is annoyed that Doc isn’t putting in 100% to Black Badge. She declines a drink, he makes a brothel joke, and she takes off. Doc offers to go with her, and she declines.

At Black Badge, Jeremy is doing his best to piece together the mystery of Earl’s goodbye and the Hellmouth, and Wynonna isn’t impressed.


All of these pictures are just you and Doc’s faces photoshopped over memes of President Obama and Vice President Biden.

Wynonna asks if Nicole has passed along the evidence from Bryce’s murder, and Jeremy asks if she’s always so…quietly hostile. (The answer is no, not always, but sometimes.) But Wynonna won’t answer, because Nicole is her BroTP. Jeremy doesn’t see a connection to the Hellmouth killer, but he agrees it’s no simple murder. He either let his liver be pulled out or pulled it out himself. He asks about Dolls, but Wynonna deflects because she doesn’t even trust the new person banging her sister, much less this toddler. Jeremy backs off, but asks that next time, Nicole closes the victim’s eyes, because the way he was staring at the trophy is creepy. Nice catch, Jeremy.

Perry calls Wynonna for a date, but when she says “Perry,” my mind immediately goes to Lola Perry, which is a different kind of date. Perry’s hanging around in his hotel shirtless (because this show is an equal-opportunity eye-candy exploiter), like you do, and they make a date. Wynonna does some equally awkward flirting, and they agree that he’ll pick her up at the homestead. Then, abandoning the idea of chocolate and flowers, he drains the blood out of a skinned rabbit.


🎤Bunnies, bunnies, it must be bunnies 🎤

We see a book with some ancient symbols that Waverly could probably definitely translate, but thanks to Lucado and the goo-infusion, her brain is a bit underused so far this season. Also, if Gooverly reads it, it’s possible the entire town will collapse into a sinkhole.

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Apparently, good old Perry knows Sam and Dean Winchester because he’s researching the very popular Crossroads Demon. (Shout-out to my wife for helping me figure that one out! Chris, you’ll never read this, but you’re the best!)

Exterior — the serene Earp homestead.


Well, that’s a beautiful shot and definitely not done to lull us into a false sense of security and something bad is about to happen.

Waverly and Wynonna are discussing lipstick shades for Wynonna’s big date. Apparently, her only choices are shades that definitely aren’t sexist at all (Scarlet Tart or Pink Tease?). Well, actually, in my limited makeup experience, this seems on point. Waves teases Wynonna a bit about her upcoming date with Lola Perry, but Wynonna insists she’s all business. Perry and Bryce were teammates. Waves is just happy Wynonna is putting herself out there and if the Master does open the Hellmouth, she wants Wynonna at her best — whiskey soaked and reckless.


Baby girl, this is a horrible idea. 

Perry has arrived at the Homestead, and Wynonna tosses the silver tube back to Waverly and leaves. Waves is entranced by the shiny metal, her black possessed eyes taking over temporarily and she EATS THE GODDAMN LIPSTICK.


So is this what a Lipstick Bisexual does?

At the high school, Mercedes is working the Homecoming crowd, whipping up the alumni into a frenzy about the hockey champs! While Mercedes works the crowd, Wynonna…pretends to work something else.


Technically, I have no frame of reference for this gesture. She’s miming staking a vampire, right?

Random dude mutters to Perry about where Bryce is. Oh, right, no one knows because Nicole is great at all cop things, including removing evidence. Yay, Nicole! Mercedes announces a new community center — funded by her parents’ money, of course — and the crowd seems super excited! More excited than Mercedes, because she probably would have rather had that cash with no strings attached so she would not be forced to live in Purgatory. Wynonna silently gives her support, and Mercedes wraps it up.


They’ve all got so much Blue Devil pride! Except that rando in the blue mask. That is the most horrifying thing in this episode.

Perry leaves; Wynonna follows.

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Honestly, probably not the worst date Wynonna has had.

They lament the town’s inability to let one championship team go even after 10 years. Even Perry thinks they’re celebrating something pointless, and he even helped bring the pointless in the first place. Wynonna’s questioning of Perry is interrupted by Skip (seriously, who fucking named these douche bros?), sobbing to Perry that they’re too late — their beloved B-Train (Bryce, for those of you who don’t speak douche bro) is dead. Perry tells Skip that he’s drunk and making no sense and leaves to take him home. Meanwhile, Wynonna is stuck on the most important takeaway here. B-Train? Really? Also, the shadier Perry gets, the more intrigued Wynonna gets.

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But you’ll never be “120 years in a well” mysterious, Perry. Not even if you’re possessed by an ultimate evil but still trying to be Betty Crocker.

While Perry and Skip go wherever it is douche bros go, Waverly shows up at the high school. After some sisterly ribbing, Wynonna asks her sister to help her follow up on the Skip lead, and Waverly declines because she’s waiting for Nicole to get off…work. Wynonna tells her it’s like when Waverly skipped her valedictory address to watch Champ play video games. Point, Wynonna, even if he was about to defeat a really difficult level. Waverly insists this is different, and Wynonna isn’t buying it. She doesn’t want Waverly to forget she’s an Earp…which was definitely the wrong thing to say.

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The Earpiest Earp gives the glariest glare and best hide your shiny junk, Wynonna. Like those lock-picking dental tools.

Waverly is done with judgy Wynonna, telling her that when her taste in men improves, maybe she will listen to a lecture. Wynonna realizes she pushed too far. Waverly enters the gym where Nicole is working the most boring job ever — keeping mild-mannered Purgatory citizens from…drinking poisoned champagne and hurling homophobic insults? Maybe I’m mixing up parties.

Waverly finds her girl and immediately gets all playful and cute…which is fine and great and awesome when they’re alone, but not when Nicole is working, especially when Nicole already feels like her job isn’t as important as the rest of the kids’. Nicole tries to get Waverly to amuse herself for a few hours until she’s done, because she also doesn’t see the point of her just hanging out while she’s patrolling. Waverly catches sight of the shiny, shiny trophy; her goo eyes blaze.

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Me, when I saw the custom Pride Converses.

Overcome with goo-motion, she grabs Nicole and kisses her. Now, I like hot lady kisses as much as (or more than) the next girl, but…way inappropriate. Also, please don’t stop doing it. You know, at the right moments. Because there’s a time and a place for everything, and kissing your girlfriend in front of a crowd of mouth breathers while she’s trying to earn and keep their respect is neither.

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I am clam-jamming myself. Am I an Earp now?

Nicole discovers hometown Creeper McGillicuddy, Tucker Gardner, taking upskirt videos of some nearby cheerleaders.

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You better stay away from both me and my girlfriend, both in and out of uniform.

In addition to the already creepy video he took, Tucker also has some WayHaught footage, and this is the last straw for Nicole. Waverly pleads with Nicole to let him go because he’s a Gardner (“I don’t care what he does!), but Nicole’s not having it. Embarrassed by her girlfriend, frustrated by her lack of job mobility, and so confused because people keep talking about champs and she keeps wondering where her ex’s ex is, she snaps. She cuffs Tucker (still sexy) and perp-walks him out of the gym, all the while Tucker shouting the Law & Order classic “you’ll regret this!” Well, it was implied.

Wynonna finds Skip at his house, lamenting that B-Train is gone. She finds a symbol painted in blood on his door and on his forehead, because that’s definitely a normal thing you do in Purgatory. Actually, it probably is.

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I’m so glad B-Train didn’t have to see you this way.

Apparently, Perry put it there, probably making Wynonna want to swipe right even harder. (Is it right or left? I’m married and don’t know stuff.) The demon charges them, vowing to take what is his. Wynonna draws Peacemaker. Worm Face stops charging but compels Skip to perform an emergency liver-ectomy. Wynonna turns to fire, but Worm Face is gone…and then Skip runs off.

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How is he so fast?! He’s covered in rags and has worms on his face!

At the station, Nicole watches as Tucker’s sister, Beth, who’s dressed like she’s auditioning for a part in Little House on the Victorian Vampire Prairie, gets her brother released from holding. She didn’t even post bail — Nedley just let him go, something that Nicole…takes issue with. Nedley lectures her on language (because of hoo-ha? Really, Nedley? If Nicole were Nick instead of Nicole, would you be lecturing him? Actually, you probably would. Carry on.) Nedley takes the opportunity to gently reprimand his Haughtshot cop that proper behavior includes not making out with your girlfriend, in addition to not using the word “hoo-ha.”

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To be fair, she kissed me, and I told her to stop. Also to be fair, have you SEEN Waverly Earp?

Nedley tells Nicole to back off the Gardners because their parents were good people and “boys will be boys.” Nicole once again takes a little bit of offense at that.

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“Sorry, did I hit my head and wake up in patriarchal bullshit land? is something I say every fucking day, it seems.

While Nedley’s telling Nicole to go restock the first-aid kit (maybe she’ll run into her lady getting coffee), this is happening in the background.

 

Just like I don’t look at my pals like Kara and Lena look at each other, siblings…shouldn’t look at each other like this.

Tucker wants Nicole charged with harassment, and seriously, Tucker, you have no idea what hell you have brought on yourself. You think this is harassment? Wait till she [spoiler alert!] loses the khakis!

Tucker calls Nicole a nasty woman, and Beth replies with “I know, baby.”

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Hey, creepy siblings, that’s MY line.

Nedley puts Nicole on paperwork duty and basically tells her she needs to learn her place, which is definitely what Nicole needed today. Yep.

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I almost feel bad for Tucker, except I don’t. Also, her earrings are so shiny. Wonder if Gooverly has seen those? Probably not, because her ears are intact.

Nicole walks in on Wynonna battling the Keurig and immediately helps her, because even when she’s at her worst, Officer Haught is just a genuinely good person. Wynonna is at the office picking up some books for Waverly, and Nicole says it’s because Waves is avoiding her. Nicole did that thing that Wynonna hates, which is talk about feelings.

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Barf.

Wynonna tries to leave, and Nicole stops her, asking about Waverly. Her girl seems…different, and she’s worried. Wynonna, protective of Baby Girl until the end of time, immediately assumes the worst and gets defensive. Nicole says ever since Willa died, Waves hasn’t been herself. Nicole says that what she loves (!) about Waverly, her sweetness, seems like it’s sometimes missing. Wynonna asks if Nicole is just HaughtHurt because Waverly kept her out of Black Badge, and Nicole wisely backs off. Too late, though. Nicole really does have a lot to learn about this town.

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Could this day GET any worse? It started out so…well.

Waverly, Wynonna, and Doc are having a meeting at the homestead, talking about Perry, the blood symbol, and the demon. Waves teases Wynonna a bit about her “date,” but neither she nor Doc are biting. Waverly’s processing, and Wynonna’s freaking out. She doesn’t want to bag and tag low-level demons to keep Black Badge of their case. Come on, guys. This isn’t the Initiative, and she’s no Riley Finn. She knows something hinky is up with the Hellmouth, and she’s frustrated she can’t figure it out. They’re interrupted by a knock on the door, and Waverly grabs a non-shiny shotgun. It’s Perry…who Doc immediately knocks out.

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Got him!

Waverly tells the gang that Perry wasn’t summoning; he was protecting. Doc goes to grab his “vapors,” which are apparently smelling salts that probably smell real salty after 120 years in a well. A quick Google search tells me that salts of hartshorn are a dry form of ammonia and probably smell like my cat’s litter box, so, yes, that will wake a person up right quick.

Wynonna interrogates Perry, who insists she won’t believe him. Trust me, Perry. She’s seen weirder. What had happened is the hockey team’s coach gave the boys a spell to win because that’s definitely not an overreaction to losing sports games. (I don’t know what it’s like to lose, what with me living in the city of champions.) So Skip, B-Train, Cam, and Perry hit the bong,summoned the demon, and made a wish, with little thought to what that would mean for the future. Well…boys will be boys.

Worm Face appeared out of the trophy, and they traded their lives for 10 years of good luck. After 10 years of fortune, the boys all returned to Purgatory because if the demon doesn’t get the ones who made the deal, it will go after their families. Yeah, even after making a really, really stupid fucking decision, Perry’s a good dude.

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Sorry, my friend. You just lost her.

After ten seconds of explaining, Waverly pulls a Giles and immediately knows that it’s a Marzaniok, a bringer of good and bad fortune. For a second there, I thought Anyanka was gonna show up, but maybe next episode. Wynonna develops a plan (because she’s the goddamn Earp heir), and the troops fall out.

Doc drops a bomb on Wynonna that they need to save the demon to help save Dolls, which is what he’s been working towards this whole season time.

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WHAT the WHAT?!

Doc tells her that the thing he and Rosita are trying to reverse-engineer is Dolls’ serum, they’re running out of time…and they need pure demon’s blood. Wynonna is on board with not killing someone for a change.

Perry and Doc happen upon Nedley, another officer, and a dead body.

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You mean…Nicole isn’t the only deputy in town? This dude’s probably a Revenant.

The dead body is Cam, the fourth in the Douche Bro version of The Craft. In my head, it’s Cameron Tucker, and it’s even sadder, because the world needs its Cameron Tuckers. Cam tore his own eyes out, and thanks, Evelyn, for not showing us that. Doc tells Perry that he’s well on his way to being fucked up enough for Wynonna to date, and Perry’s not amused.

Waverly tracks down Skip via his (stacked) wife, and she heads out to find him. She runs into Tucker on the way, who seems to have a strange obsession with Waverly. (I mean, it’s not strange, because Waverly.) He tells her she should smile more often, and honestly, I’m surprised she didn’t kick him in the nards then, because fuck you, The Patriarchy. I’ll smile when I want! Ahem. Sorry. Back to task.

Tucker asks if she can get her “cop friend” to treat him with more respect, and Proud Queer Waverly tells him, “Officer Haught is my girlfriend.” Tucker tells her that can’t be, because it would just be wrong…prompting an appearance from Gooverly. She attacks Tucker but then gets distracted by his shiny medic-alert bracelet. Doc calls her, and Waverly answers, bubbly and sweet, dark eyes gone.

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OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!

Back at the high school, this year’s hockey team is about to polish the trophy, or whatever it is sports boys do. The boys need the luck of the ’07 team, and Head Polisher tries to insult Wynonna, I guess, by calling her “Lunch Lady” and “Mom.” Wynonna dispatches the boys as Mercedes looks on. And then we get our Slow-Mo Wyn Walk(tm) of the episode.

Crazy, awesome bitch indeed, Mercedes.

Doc and Perry drive up on Wynonna, trophy in hand, because it’s gonna take a lot more than “8 seconds in the penalty box” to stop Wynonna fucking Earp. Doc says they found Skip, but it isn’t Skip they’re worried about. And cut to…NO! NOT NICOLE!

Skip’s in jail because he stole a car and crashed into a tree, all under the influence of Mad Dog, probably. Skip pleads to Nicole to let him out, and she waves (ha) off his arguments, because she knows what real beasties are, sir, thank you very much.

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I think one did a cheer for me this morning, so…you might say I’m an “expert.”

Skip apologizes, because Worm Face is here. He starts to do self-surgery, and Nicole finally sees him, drawing her gun, because Nicole fucking Haught is a really great fucking cop and demon or human or creepy little white dude, she’s gonna do her job. The demon throws Nicole aside, and she won’t back down. He throws her into a window, and she gets back up for more. Because Nicole Haught is a fucking badass and doesn’t need anyone to save her…but is probably at least a little bit grateful that Doc showed up and shot Worm Face in the head. And despite the disagreement Wynonna and Nicole had earlier, Wy’s first concern is for her friend and her sister’s girlfriend. And she doesn’t even reply to Nicole’s “I had him right where I wanted him” with a “sure, Jan.”

Perry runs to the demon; Wynonna, Doc, and Nicole following. Perry tries to do the right thing and reason with it in German, but just like you can’t argue with crazy, you can’t talk a demon down, even if it is in German, a truly terrifying-sounding language (which I happen to adore). A throwaway line tells us that neither her lady nor her sister know where Waverly is, and Perry tries to keep German-ing the demon.

The demon compels Perry to turn the talisman he’s holding, which I can only assume is an intricately carved wooden Christmas ornament he picked up at Toronto’s Christkindlmarkt, on himself, and Wynonna tries to get the demon back in the trophy. She can’t stand to see another person die in front of her, so she draws Peacemaker on the demon, willing to sacrifice Dolls in order to save Perry.

The demon tries to make a deal with Wynonna, and she considers it briefly, because who wouldn’t? She could be rid of the curse, her sister could be safe, and Waverly could get her own place where she could not wear all of the underwear she wanted to. But that’s not our hero, is it? Wynonna does make a wish — wishing he’d go back in the trophy, proving our hero is as smart as she is brave and sexy. Sure, she may have been just as surprised as the rest of us that it worked, but whatever it takes.

Wynonna calls Perry brave and stupid, and he agrees. Wynonna tells him that at least he tried to save his friends, because she knows better than anyone that sometimes that’s the best you can do. They kiss, because holy shit are both of them attractive, but it isn’t meant to be. She says it’s because she’s broken, and maybe she’s right, but that doesn’t mean she’s not perfect. She plays with her necklace, because what would an episode be without a vague reference to a remaining mystery?!

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Oh, this old thing? I got it at a custom jewelry booth at FanExpo. Why do you ask?

And now comes probably my favorite scene of the episode — Nedley Talks to Nicole. She’s busy cleaning up the mess that Skip and the demon made, and she insists she’ll clean everything up AND do her paperwork, Cop Dad. But that’s not why Nedley is here. He hands her a coffee and explains that the people of Purgatory ignore the fact that it’s basically Sunnydale.

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Fucking seriously? That’s your wisdom, Cop Dad? I bet Space Dad would have done better.

The people who live there want a simple life and believe it’s worth ignoring all of the abnormal things around them. Nicole thinks she’s experiencing concussion symptoms, but Nedley hopes not because he tells her that he hand-picked her for a reason. Graduated top in her class, smart as a fucking whip, and he wants her to be the next sheriff. He worked to recruit her because he saw something in her — the same thing that that every single Earper sees in her. She’s so brave, so intelligent, so tenacious. Her instincts are legendary. She’s got it all.

He knows that Black Badge seems like the cool place to be, but someone has to protect those people who are busy ignoring the demons descending into hell. Someone has to do the dirty work, and just because it’s not a flashy job doesn’t mean it’s not as important. Because Wynonna can’t shoot Peacemaker if Pete steals it on a B&E. She hears him but says she needs more manpower, and they have to work with Black Badge because ignoring a problem never made it go away.

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Even this height difference is pretty cute.

He agrees to let her work with Black Badge when necessary, because he realizes (like we do) that she’s got the best instincts of anyone in town. And the most important takeaway of this conversation — she successfully argues herself out of those khakis, and not in a sexy-times-with-my-gal-pal way.

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Don’t make me block you.

He tells her he’s all about playing the long game, something he’s been doing with Tucker Gardner for a long time, he says, as he hands her a folder with Tucker’s name on it.

He recognizes that her ambition is a good thing. He never wanted to discourage it; just help it along in the right way, even if that means behind the scenes. Nedley is the opposite of every douche bro on this show, guys.

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THANKS, COP DAD.

Tucker is telling his sisters that Waverly attacked her, and Mercedes not having it. Laura Ingalls Wilder Beth says they have to stick up for each other, and Mercedes, who actually has a clue about being a normal human, calls her siblings a “directionless shut-in” and a “town pervert,” which seems pretty accurate to this viewer. Then Mercedes cuts them both down, using her viewing of Wynonna’s beat-down as inspiration. She tells her brother to leave WayHaught alone and her sister to stop defending him. After Tucker threatens her life, she cuts him off from the family fortune. He has a Dawn Summers-worthy freak-out and flounces off, so Mercedes pours a relaxing glass of wine and sits down and enjoys it and that’s all that happened.

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You sure about that, Monica?

Sigh. That’s not what happened, because anyone associated with the Earps can’t have nice things. She’s joined by a women in black, who now has shiny finger armor, and gives a horror-movie-worthy scream as the creature appears to break her neck. I hope this isn’t the last we see of Mercedes.

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Maybe it just likes her shiny shirt!

 

Waverly and Wynonna work together figuring out how to stop the trophy demon permanently, as Waverly does some translating. Wynonna talks about how brave Nicole was and then asks Waves how they’re doing. Waverly insists things are fine and really seems like she means it, which is…concerning in its own right. Waverly insists Nicole is her “best baby,” and Wynonna wants Waves to remember that she is actually the best…and just wants Nicole to remember. Waves will remind her tonight but says it will help if Wyn returns her lipstick…which she already did. But she doesn’t remember, because goo-outs.

Then Gooverly catches sight of the shiny trophy and almost “comes out,” but Wynonna’s there. She asks if Waves is okay, but Waverly insists she is…then steals a cocktail mixer from Shorty’s.

Rosita and Doc are cooking their special brew, and Doc is warning her about how to act around a demon, not because he thinks she’s stupid but because Doc knows she’s smart enough to think she can outsmart it. Wynonna, trophy in hand, passes Rosie on the stairs and asks Doc what the setup is. He explains they’re trying to reverse-engineer Dolls’ anti/pro-lizard serum, and Wynonna underestimates “Boobs McSeltzer”‘s skills as a serum-maker, but Doc informs her that she has a degree in biochemistry. Wynonna realizes she shouldn’t be judging people by their cover, because Boobs here is a fucking genius.

Wynonna wonders why Doc didn’t tell her any of this plan, then realizes Dolls made him promise not to. She’s hurt, but Doc explains that he’s expendable to Dolls. She isn’t.

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Fuuuuuck, I hate squishy feelings.

She’s shocked that he did it, even though it means if Lucado finds out, she could kill him. Doc explains he’s not doing it for Dolls. He tells her that for a second, he thought Wynonna might wish away the curse, but she reminds him she’s stubborn and always takes the hard way.

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Like dating your great-great-grandfather’s best friend, who is mostly immortal.

Doc laments that he took the easy way out, and he’s living and living, and maybe it’s not always a good idea to strike deals with demons.

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Wait. Does that include blood oaths? Asking for a friend.

The serum isn’t ready, but Doc was supposed to make the drop to him two days ago. They have to take it to him, because he can never set foot back in Purgatory. I wonder if this means that —

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Yep, there’s Dolls in the Earp barn.

He calls out for Waverly, but she’s taken her new shiny prize home to her Little Mermaid stash, really going for historical accuracy as she sings to it.

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🎤 I want to be where the shiny things are, I wanna see, wanna see them…melted down into finger armor 🎤

She gives a truly horrifying delicate chuckle at her shiny things, then flashes her possessed goo eyes at Dolls, which are a little bit leaky this time. Dolls is like, “OH, SHIT,” and lets out a truly, truly amazing shout. Like, one of my top five moments of this episode. And then it’s over and HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Monica’s Random Points of Randomness:

  • This episode starts out with that amazeballs cheerleader scene but the great thing about it is there’s SO MUCH OTHER STUFF. It reminds me of Once More with Feeling — “oh, it’s a musical episode.” Yes, but also it advanced roughly 37 individual plot points. Don’t discount the seriousness and importance because of something inherently kind of silly.
  • Yeah, Nicole. It really is everybody’s thing. Oof.
  • “Go, Devils!” Yes, devils. Go. Out of Waverly.
  • When Nicole and Waverly are “on” and together and in sync, it really is such a sweet, pure relationship.
  • I feel bad for Wynonna, Nicole, and Waverly that Wyn walked in on them. How embarrassing for everyone, and a bit drafty for Waves.
  • Waverley’s adorkable finger guns following her super-sexy dance cheer for her girlfriend really speak to her range as a character. So, so gorgeous but also such a giant dork. And that is why we love her.
  • This shows has reminded me of Buffy since the beginning, but this is the most Buffy-like non-Buffy episode of anything I’ve seen. High school as hell? Sounds familiar. Redheaded brainy queer lady? Check. Evil sweetheart? Got it. Kickass female protagonist? Done and done. Handsome man-candy sidekicks? They’re better than Xander and Riley Finn (barf), but this show definitely has them.
  • Not enough shows reference Grey Gardens.
  • It’s so nice to see someone else care about Wynonna. Her and Mercedes’ relationship, though definitely fucked up, is based on mutual love and support. Or something.
  • Wynonna, do not insult Rosita’s intelligence just because you can see the tops of her breasts. You are the last person who should be judging someone’s intelligence based on their appearance and how they dress. Example 1 — the mirror. Example 2 — Baby Girl.
  • It’s nice to see Wynonna supporting someone other than Waverly. Mercedes seems like a good friend — or at least the best kind of friend Wynonna is able to have.
  • That Earp sister talk in front of the high school was great. It wasn’t all sappy or happy, but it felt so…real. Wynonna’s seen how much her baby sister has grown even in the past few months, and she doesn’t want to see her throw it away, even if it is for a smart one. Obviously, she’s not privy to all of the insider info we are and doesn’t realize that’s not the biggest issue Waverly is facing. But she’s just looking out for her sister, who’s basically dating a stranger.
  • Also, Nicole wants Waverly to be the Earpiest Earp, but Wynonna is so scared of losing her sister, she doesn’t even want to give her a chance. It makes sense. Wynonna is as broken as they come, and her number-one priority is Waverly.
  • There are so many levels to the WayHaught gym scene. Waverly is just so excited and happy to be with such an amazing person, she wants everyone to know. But let’s not forget that despite her vast knowledge, degrees, and demon possession, she’s very, very young. Her last LTR was Champ Hardy, who probably didn’t think there was an inappropriate time or place for anything. She’s never dated an adult. Where Waverly is just being young and fun and playful, to Nicole, it feels like one more insult to her stupid job of writing stupid parking tickets and not catching stupid demons.
  • No self-respecting lesbian OR unicorn would ever use the term “sports yelling.”
  • Wonder if it was Tucker flying that drone over the dance studio last week.
  • “Boys will be boys”? I realize Nedley was just saying this for effect, but come the fuck on. The fact that so many people still think this is valid, along with other great phrases like “locker-room talk” really gets me in the B-train. You’re taking all of the responsibility away from these young (and old) men who should know/learn how to act better! Like Nicole’s as-yet-officially-unnamed cat, I am not a huge fan of men (mostly romantically, but I’m not a big fan of swagger, which is a stereotypical male personality trait), but taking away their responsibility in being who they are is not doing anyone any favors.
  • There were so many good lines packed into the 30-second Tucker/Beth/Nedley/Nicole scene. I love that he calls her a nasty woman (like it’s an insult) and Beth’s “I know, baby” definitely gives off a different vibe than the same line from last season.
  • Wynonna asking Waves to cover her filled me with such joy. Also, Waverly’s shotgun.
  • “We all make deals we regret.” Poor Doc. But bright side, you get to be besties with Jeremy!
  • Tucker telling Waverly she and Nicole together would “just be wrong” seems, on its surface, to be homophobic, but I imagine there’s something else there. Perhaps some or both parts of WayHaught are supernatural (even more than we know about), and Tucker can sense it…or is responsible for it.
  • When she’s not making out with her girlfriend in her boss’s office, Nicole is such a good cop.
  • Was “mermaid poltergeist” a reference to the barber Revenant?
  • Definitely here for the Haught/Nedley spinoff, “Haught and Randy.”
  • THE WAY NICOLE SMILES WHEN SHE GETS TO DO GREAT COP/AGENT STUFF IS THE STUFF OF DREAMS.
  • What if the creatures in black are tied to Tucker and they attack Mercedes at his command?
  • That last scene with Wynonna and Waverly reminds us what a sweet, pure character Waverly is underneath all the goo. I miss her.
  • Dom’s singing voice is so great. 1,486th plea for a musical episode. Maybe Amber Benson could play a Revenant? Black Badge leader? Nicole’s ex?

Favorite lines:

  • Waverly: I didn’t know if that was your thing. Nicole: Uh, baby, that’s everybody’s thing.  
  • Waverly: Come on, boys, from here to there. Wynonna: Girl, put on some underwear. 
  • Waverly: You’ve polished the shaft hard enough. Wynonna: You so rarely hear that.
  • Perry: We were teenagers, playing a game. Ten freaking years ago. Wynonna: Yeah, well, this town has trouble letting go of the past.
  • Wynonna: Calm down, Flaming Ladybug.
  • Waverly: When you stop dating psychos, then you can give me relationship advice.
  • Nedley: Not gonna win cop of the year, mind you, with that public display of gal-pal-itis.
  • Nicole: Sorry, did I hit my head and wake up in patriarchal bullshit land?
  • Wynonna: I’m Wynonna Earp, demon detective.
  • Doc: We all make deals we regret.
  • Wynonna: We’ll split up, find the other two hockey bros and bring them in to BBD.
    Lure the Marzipan there, and I’ll shoot it before anyone else can perform back-alley surgery on themselves.
  • Nicole: I am a Purgatory Sheriff’s Deputy, and if you think you can come in here, in my office, and mess with one of my citizens, you are underestimating the day I’ve had!

Least favorite line

  •  Nicole: Not in uniform, okay? Not in public. Waverly: Not good enough.

Monica’s Insane Theory of the Week:

It seems like last week’s insane theory was pretty on point, what with the shiny-stuff stealing, and I kind of want to abandon this corner with a 50% success rate. Whatever Waverly’s possessed with, it’s tied to the metal-armor dynamite-loving faceless finger demons from 2×01, and when she’s in a goo-time-out, she doesn’t seem to remember what she does. But the possession affects non-goo Waves, because it’s — well, it seems to be making her bolder, more in charge, more aggressive, especially when it comes to the physical aspects of her romantic relationship. Which is definitely all of the good, except when you’ve become hard and you were always known for being soft. My insane theory this week? This storyline is going to break my heart, because Nicole just wants to love her girl, and bit by bit, she’s becoming not her girl anymore.

See you next week, Earpers. And remember — if you see any faceless women wearing finger armor, run the other way!

Wynonna Earp 2×02, AKA The One Where Literally Everyone but Waverly Knows Not to Touch the Goo

Many thanks to those of you to gave me such positive feedback on last week’s installment. I almost scrapped it all because who would think this was entertaining but me? I’ve never been so happy to be wrong. This is a little later than last week because my wife was finally home after three long weeks away, and my life is way busier when she is in it.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, the Purgatory Scooby gang got themselves up a Black Badge creek with no paddle (via a blood oath) — all except for Nicole, who is back to feeling like she can’t sit with the cool kids at the lunch table; we were introduced (and then…extroduced) to Tamsin Eliza; we saw Dolls get saved and then run; Doc somehow managed to turn down Wynonna’s offer of a co-ed shower; and we (and Nicole) realized that sweet little Waverly is suffering some side effects from that mysterious goo she touched. This week, Evelyn Andrews and company knocked our socks off with a shit-kicking episode two. Let’s jump in!

We open on Wynonna and Doc in the shower (guess he couldn’t resist her forever), sexy music thumping in the background. Talk turns to turnips and Revenants because these two kids can’t believe how hard it is to find one in the Ghost River Triangle! Like finding a Pride flag at the White House these days. Lucado, who likes to watch hot people shower, I guess, reads excerpts from Wynonna’s report and blames her for letting all manner of supernatural beasties into purgatory.

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I…like your mustache quite a bit now, thank you. That is a top-shelf mustache.

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Wynonna Earp 2×01, AKA The One with the Valkyrie in Her Underwear

So, despite my nonexistent track record with recaps, I’m attempting to write about each episode of Wynonna Earp for this here blog. They’ll be unnecessarily detailed, chock-full of random pop-culture references, and replete with screenshots and snark. They’ll take me way too long to write, and I have no idea if anyone will find them entertaining but me. But I like them, so I’m writing them. Hope you enjoy!

Welcome to the first post in my new series, Monica’s Unnecessarily Long and Detailed TV Recaps! My promise to you by the end of the season is that they will get better.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Emily Andras blew our minds, Melanie Scrofano made all of the faces and gave us all of the feels, Tim Rozon and Shamier Anderson made all of the queer ladies question their sexuality, and Kat Barrell and Dominique Provost-Chalkley made us realize that we do, in fact, like the ladies and created a couple that made us willing to trust a show again in the process.

WE is back with a vengeance, and yours truly was lucky enough to finagle an early shift to watch it and live-tweet its premiere. I’ve made the questionable decision to recap/review/shout about each episode after it airs. Grab your whiskey, procure your doughnut, and make a salt circle for protection, Earpers, because here we go.

Many thanks to the writers for only making us wait about 3.7 seconds to realize Waverly didn’t shoot Doc or her remaining sister. I mean, we’d all seen the season’s footage and an educated guess would tell you that you couldn’t shoot Doc freaking Holliday and then do a sexy cheerleader dance (complete with sexy-yet-dorky finger guns) for your GIRLFRIEND, but still, good to know it was a Random Creature and not Sweet Baby Waves taking a page from either of her sister’s books and turning the gun on her family.

Waves and Doc run, Wynonna shows up and saves the day, then uses Peacemaker to dispatch Random Creature.
TRIO
“Isn’t he gonna go poof?” “Mm, I guess these guys don’t.”

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Buffy Turns 20

So, I was at ClexaCon over the weekend and got back late Tuesday night. That meant that I went from working a 3-11pm ET shift to partying until 2am PT to waking up at 5:30am ET on Wednesday. I was basically a zombie and have been chasing sleep the entire week. I was too drained to write anything on the actual 20th anniversary — yesterday — but I figured, hey, I’m only a day late, right?

Sadly, my journey with Buffy did not begin 20 years ago yesterday. I was a latecomer to this show despite my brother’s attempts to get me to watch it. One night in my old apartment — which was either super cold or super hot, depending on the season — I was flipping through the channels and stumbled upon a rerun — Out of Mind, Out of Sight. Coincidentally, this was the only episode I had any interest in watching, as it starred my number-one celebrity crush at the time (and now, really), Clea Duvall. I watched it, probably huddled under a blanket 0r wearing a bikini, and thought, “Okay, that’ll do it.”

Fast-forward five years or so, and my friend M was going through a really bad breakup. Her longtime girlfriend had cheated on her with someone she met on the internet, and M had picked up and moved from their life together in less than two days. A mutual guy friend, D, suggested that we start watching Buffy together as a thing to do after work. They were both single, and I was in a long-distance relationship, so it worked for us. In the beginning, he dictated which episodes we watched and didn’t, as he was the expert and could tell us which ones to skip.

Let’s pause a moment to eye roll at the patriarchy. Fuck you, The Patriarchy!

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