Wynonna Earp Recap — Heaven Is a Place on Earth

Hello, friends, and welcome to my recap of the season-four finale (and possible series finale) of Wynonna Earp. What a long, strange trip it’s been.

Deep breath.

I don’t think I’ll ever accurately be able to write what this show and the people associated with it have come to mean to me, although I’m sure I’ll make a bumbling attempt to do this very thing at the end of this recap, but I will say that this finale is possibly the most perfect thing to ever exist in the world of television. This was a shit year, and we all deserve a little bit of happiness. I think Emily Andras knew that and gave every single character — even the one that I thought couldn’t have a happily ever after — a satisfying, happy ending. It didn’t feel rushed or cheesy or quaint or silly; it just felt perfect. And also, what the fuck was Charlotte Sullivan doing?

But I digress.

So once more into the breach, my lads. Grab your Costco-sized box of tissues, get out your magnifying glass to try to see where I’ll put in a Willa reference, and make sure your tires don’t have any bullet holes in them, because here we go.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Dark Waverly was in a crisis, Jeremy and Robin aren’t together on account of his non-functional memory, Doc is human and wants a fresh start, Nicole invited Waverly to buy her a cup of coffee with all of the swagger in the world, and if they ever go get that coffee, it better be local, because Nicole is the angel’s shield and can’t leave the Ghost River Triangle. Oh, and instead of coffee, they decide to get married instead.

We open on a wedding gone wrong in 1968 Purgatory. A trail of bloodied corpses lays behind a blood-stained bride in a dress with an inlaid blue heart, and said bride stumbles outside and axes herself in the throat after burying the blade in her groom’s head. The church bells ring as bodies lay on the ground. See? Avoid the church and maybe you would have been okay. That’s my takeaway. Sorry, Mom.

At the Homestead, Waverly’s wedding dress has arrived. She takes it out the box and holds it up, she and Wynonna squeal with joy because baby girl’s getting married! Oh, what’s that — the dress has an inlaid blue heart? Son of a — If I have to watch Waverly butcher her family with the Earp spoon, I’m going to need to speak with the manager.

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Wynonna and Nicole are readying the Homestead for a wedding. Sister-zilla is freaking out because the cake is covered with a non-vegan buttercream, and Nicole suggests they just don’t tell Waverly. HaughtPants gets it — there’s no need to stress about having the perfect day, because none of them really have a perfect vibe going on anyway. They’re doing the best they can with a Homestead wedding; no need to panic. Waverly joins them, high on wedding bliss, and Wynonna pops her metaphorical balloon by telling her that her betrothed wanted to break her vegan vow by basically serving her a Big Mac. But Waverly, always the planner, made vegan cupcakes yesterday. CRISIS averted!

They say in Heaven, love comes first
We’ll make Heaven a place on Earth

Inside, Rachel and Nedley are planning a fishing trip, and this may be the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. He’s just happy to be going with someone who’s likelier to catch something that isn’t mono (hashtag Sorry, Chrissy). Rachel just seems so excited to do something…normal. I love this for her. She deserves a boring, normal fishing trip with a pseudo dad.

Wynonna is carving something in the barn and she notices Waverly’s wedding dress blowing in the breeze. She says it’s beautiful and wonders what it would be like to wear it, and those of us who have seen Friends know where this is going.

Wynonna is running to Doc, leaving a trail of destruction in her wake. She’s covered up with a long coat, hiding what she’s wearing, and breaks the door, wilts the flowers, catches the arbor on fire, blows up the cake, and somehow ejects the wagon wheels from their axle. 

She knocks on Doc’s trailer door and shows him her predicament of the sticky dress. Well, if there’s one thing Doc’s always been good at, it’s getting her out of her clothes, and I’m sure the whiskey he pours them will help even more. She sees a pad of paper and asks if he’s having writer’s block for his speech, and he turns it over and explains that sometimes it’s hard to find what you want to say. 

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Doc gently spins Wynonna around, looking for an entry point in the dress. He offers to cut at the seam and then sew it right back up, explaining that some of his clothes are 150 years old so some seamstressing comes with his territory. But bad news — he can’t cut the seam, and they’re interrupted from a hypothetical Plan B by Waverly in her Jeep.

When the night falls down
I wait for you, and you come around

Wynonna hides as Waverly gifts Doc with a saddle — Wyatt Earp’s saddle, to be precise. She wanted to have the perfect present before she asked Doc to be her best man. Doc is surprised — he assumed Wynonna would be her witness, but Wynonna is choosing to fulfill her best-friend duties and be there for Nicole instead of standing up for her sister. Doc can’t believe that Waverly is asking him, but he doesn’t let that stand in the way of him saying yes. 

And the world’s alive
With the sound of kids on the street outside

As Waverly’s walking to her Jeep, Wynonna tells Doc to find out where she got the wedding dress, and it’s from a little shop down on Hogback road. She calls it quaint, but Wynonna doesn’t think too much of Cursey’s Vintage, at least from the outside. They walk past the sign, and it breaks, yet another thing destroyed in Wynonna’s path.

On the inside, it’s an…eclectic shop, with lots of wedding dresses on mannequins and all the mirrors covered up, which I would think would be detrimental for a clothing shop but what do I know? Wynonna leans on one of the mannequins and said mannequin responds by shouting “boop,” shocking Wynonna and delighting the audience, because that weird-ass mannequin is actually named Brigitte and is played by none other than the boss’ favorite, Charlotte Sullivan.

When you walk into the room
You pull me close, and we start to move

She is a breathy-voiced, olden-timey flapper-type, interrogating Wynonna and Doc about what their story is. Before they can get too much info out, she tells Doc that nobody cares but calls Wynonna “the perfect mark,” which does not go over well. Wynonna threatens to have Doc shoot the cashier, but it doesn’t matter if she’s dead or not; cursed dresses gonna cursed dress. Wynonna asks for just the facts, and Brigitte starts to sing. By the time the wedding bells chime (not literally), everyone will be dead by the dress wearer’s hand. Wynonna threatens with Peacemaker, and Brigitte-train says that only a silkworm can undo its own thread. So WynDoc are off to find a Bombyx mori. 

And we’re spinnin’ with the stars above
And you lift me up in a wave of love

At the Homestead, Jeremy’s sampling a mouthful of icing when Waverly finds him and Nicole and tells them about the destruction. They try to figure out what happened, and Jeremy thinks he knows — the caterer, a handsome man named Damon, which seems a little too on the demon horn. He tries to shake Damon down for info but ends up just seeming super homophobic and threatening to out him as gay. 

What? What?

In the barn, HeatWave finds the destruction and the missing dress and immediately realizes the dress (that Waverly didn’t even like) is haunted. 

Doc and Wynonna have found themselves a swimmin’ hole and he belly-flops in, looking for silkworms. There are none, obviously, because this is a shitty mudhole in Purgatory. The only thing he could possibly catch is syphilis.

Doc came up empty-handed, but not Wynonna — she finds a letter in his pocket that he’d written to her, a letter saying goodbye. She can’t believe he was just going to take off and leave her with nothing but an absent child and a note, but the note was just a starting point for a discussion. He was never going to just leave, but it is time for him to go. The curse is broken, Amon and the fog are gone, and he’s human again. It’s time for him to see the world and make the most of his 183rd chance. But he doesn’t want to go alone — he wants Wynonna to leave the Ghost River Triangle and come with him and finally admit that she loves him. But that’s too real for Wynonna to deal with, and she insists she needs to paint some worms so they can deal with the singing boutique owner. 

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Wynonna and Nicole have worked up a murderboard real quick, and there are a lot of weddings that end in bloodshed in Purgatory. It’s just that when most things end in bloodshed in your town, well, it’s hard to connect the dots on specifics sometimes. The bride kills the family, the groom, and then herself, all with the axe…and they’re all getting hitched in the same dress that Waverly got at her quaint little boutique. Lather, rinse, repeat.

They say in Heaven, love comes first
We’ll make Heaven a place on Earth

An old wedding announcement lists the gown as being from the same shop and person who sold Waverly the dress, Brigitte Hogback from Cursey’s Boutique. Seems that Brigitte was left at the altar and killed all of her guests. Nicole kinda gets it, though — if Waverly left her, she may even kill Nedley, which sounds very sweet to Waverly, and she walks over to her bride and they’re about to get absolutely exhausted in that barn. Grab some coconut oil, ladies.

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

They’re interrupted again, of course, because there aren’t even any doors to lock this time, but at least Jeremy has better timing than Willa and walks in on them after they’ve finished. He tries to tell them about the demon caterer, Damon, but he definitely added two and two and got “demon” when he should have gotten “haunted wedding dress.” Now Jeremy is kicking himself and Waverly’s going to kick some ass, shotgun in hand. I do love our baby girl with a gun. 

When I feel alone
I reach for you, and you bring me home

Wynonna tries to pass off some nailpolish-painted worms as silkworks, but Brigitte knows her Bombycidae and calls out the fakes immediately. Doc tries to explain that, yes, they tried to cheat her, but that cup is representative of the kind of hero Wynonna is; the kind of person who would do anything to keep her family safe. It may be a cup of love, but love isn’t enough to stop Wynonna from killing everyone. Wynonna tells Brigitte that she will paint every worm she can find if it means Waverly has a blessed wedding, and she’s confused because isn’t the one wearing the dress the one who’s getting married?

When I’m lost at sea
I hear your voice, and it carries me

Speak of the angel — here comes Waverly, silk banner streaming behind her, and she wraps Brigitte up in it. Some silk, a reversal spell, and bingo, the haunted dress slips right off. Wynonna wants to shoot the demon, but Waverly stops her. After quickly explaining who’s getting married to whom and glossing over why the one in the dress isn’t one of the brides, she explains that Brigitte was left at the altar, heartbroken, and the killing just sort of happened. Waverly apologizes to her, because everyone deserves love. 

In this world, we’re just beginnin’
To understand the miracle of livin’

Back at the barn, Wynonna has rustled up Mama Earp’s dress, and Waverly thinks it’s perfect — or will be after a few modifications. Waverly can tell something’s on her sister’s mind, but Wynonna just insists it’s about the wedding.

Baby, I was afraid before
But I’m not afraid anymore

Nedley knocks on the door at the Homestead, and Nicole greets him in a lovely burgundy suit, looking absolutely gorgeous. He says he never knew a woman could look so good in a suit, and Nedley, I’m going to tag you in a few pictures later, because I have notes. Nicole nervously talks about barn sex, of course, and then gets to the one last thing she needed from him. She asks him to walk her down the aisle and stand by him, like he has been doing her entire life, and let me tell you, friends, this — this is where I lose it every single time.

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Much like myself, Nicole is a strong woman who doesn’t need help down an aisle and who definitely doesn’t need the patriarchal bullshit archetype of being given away by a man. But also like me, she does like the symbolism of one last time, having that guy who’s been there your whole life standing by your side on your most important day. But unlike me, Nicole got to have her dad at her wedding; that’s the only thing I wish that I could change about my day. So, yeah, I never won’t cry at this scene.

Nedley walks Nicole down the aisle towards Jeremy, who’s waiting to marry the two lovebirds under the arbor Doc built. He kisses Nicole on the forehead and steps back, and Doc approaches the front as Waverly’s best man and shakes Nicole’s hand. She takes a deep breath and sees the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen in her life — Waverly Earp, smiling at her from the makeshift aisle, being escorted by her favorite sister.

They say in Heaven, love comes first
We’ll make Heaven a place on Earth

The look on her face is one of awe, as if she can’t believe this beautiful, perfect angel is about to marry her. Wynonna touches foreheads with her sister and tells her (accurately) that she’s the best of us, and then stands next to her best friend, Nicole. 

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Jeremy tells the crowd to be seated and Rachel and Nedley sit down, since they’re the only non-wedding parties there. And then we have a queer wedding performed by a gay man celebrating the love of two women who are going to spend the rest of their lives together. If you would have told me that this was in my television future, even just a few years ago, I would have laughed right in your face. Representation matters.

Heaven, Heaven, Heaven

Jeremy talks about how sometimes two elements, minding their own business, run into each other and become more than they were as individuals. I could probably write a thousand words on their vows alone, so in the interest of time, I’ll just say they pledge their love to one another for the rest of their lives, and it’s absolutely perfect. Wynonna can’t help but watch them and wonder if this is a happiness that she could have. Something normal and beautiful and solid. And it seems like Doc is thinking the same thing — he knows that’s what he wants, but he doesn’t know if Wynonna is brave enough to believe she deserves it.

In this world we’re just beginnin’
To understand the miracle of livin’

The camera pants to the chairs in the crowd — spaces saved for everyone they’ve loved over the years. Mama Earp, Mercedes, Julian, Robin, Chrissy, Perry, Dolls, and Gus — all gone, at least today, but never forgotten. 

And just like that, two become one.

Baby, I was afraid before
But I’m not afraid anymore

Wynonna pours champagne for everyone — juice for Rachel and Billy, of course — but before she can toast the brides, Rachel beats her to it. She tells her new found family that she had barely done anything in her life before she met them, but now? Now she feels like she can do anything. She didn’t know what to get the couple as a gift, so she serenades them with “Wildwood,” which you may remember from 1×09 and a couch. It’s beautiful and lovely and the best argument I’ve ever seen for having a band rather than a wedding DJ.


Everyone just looks so happy.

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Wynonna decides it’s time to make her best-woman toast for Nicole, her ginger-bitch best friend. “I’m so glad you finally found someone worthy of you,” she says, and neither of them look like they can believe she’s saying it.

They say in Heaven, love comes first
We’ll make Heaven a place on Earth

Rachel asks Nedley if Billy can come on their fishing trip, and just like that, Nedley has gone from retired sheriff to being the quasi-adoptive father of two wayward youths, not just one. Billy can come along, as long as he doesn’t pitch any tents in his pants. 

Doc hugs everyone goodbye; everyone but Wynonna. He looks back over his shoulder at Wynonna, dainty and delicate in blue, as Rachel sings the chorus of “I’ll never get over you.” She looks devastated but just watches him speed off in Charlene as the others look on.

Jeremy tries to make it unawkward with Damon the non-demon and is mediocrely successful? He helps Damon clean up and tries to explain that not only was he not trying to out him; he’s just as out in the outness as Damon is. Damon stops Jeremy’s stumbling and asks him out on a date, and Jeremy enthusiastically accepts, then has to take a call. It’s a sexy, siren-voiced Black Badge agent who’s offering Jeremy a job as the deputy director of BBD. He says yes, because who could say no to that voice, and agrees to start on Tuesday after his date.

Doc is loading up Charlene with his prized possessions — first up, Wyatt’s saddle — and Wynonna finds him and says she’s finally convinced that maybe he’s not bluffing. He just can’t stay where he is anymore, and besides, he wants to see the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. He finally admits to one lie he told Wynonna — he originally told her it was the thought of vengeance that kept him going at the bottom of the well, but while that may have kept him alive, it was actually the thought of love that kept him from being scared. 

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

You see, life is short. But it is long. And it is lonely. So if you manage to find a group of souls who will tolerate you and elevate you…oh, and one… and one who will especially love you. Well, that is all it’s about. That is what the fight is really for.

Wynonna insists that she can’t leave Waverly, and Doc gets it — for Wynonna, the person who she especially loves more than anything, it’s Waverly. He tells her that she’s the best Earp he has ever known and kisses her goodbye as she sobs. She apologizes for hurting him, and he says “we only ever hurt ourselves, Wynonna. I wouldn’t have changed a note.” He drives off in Charlene, and Wynonna watches him go.

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Wynonna sits on the stoop of Homestead, and Jeremy, Nicole, Rachel, and Billy can’t believe she didn’t go with him. Nicole points out that he — and they — could be toxic at times, at least before he changed. Nedley stumbles up and just tells Wynonna to go catch up with Doc, and then can’t believe it when Nicole tells him Wynonna said no to the stache. Wynonna points out that as the Earp heir, she needs to protect the GRT with Peacemaker and she can’t even think about leaving. “UH, THE FUCK YOU CAN’T,” Waverly says, mildly disagreeing. She expresses her disgust with everyone but Nicole (“FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!”) for letting Wynonna give up her chance at happiness AGAIN for them and ear-marches her to the barn.

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Waverly grabs the first plastic bag Dom has touched in years and starts packing up Wynonna’s stuff, such as it is. She’ll probably have to stop for underwear on the road, is all I’m saying. Wynonna insists she’s not going, and Waverly asks her the most important question she’s heard the entire run of the series — does she want to go? Because for the first time in her life, she has the choice, and Waverly wants her to see there is a choice to be had. She’s not tied to a sister or the GRT or any of them — they’ll call, they’ll write, and Wynonna will be back. It won’t be like the last time she left. Wynonna may be the only one who can wield Peacemaker, but the others can still protect themselves. She doesn’t need to stay for Waverly; Waverly is Waverly and she can protect herself. And if not, she has her own shield that she just married. She needs to stop thinking she’s alone, and she needs to stop punishing herself. For everything. She deserves to be happy, and she deserves to choose herself this time and choose happiness. Waverly tells her sister that even though she and Doc don’t always work together, he’s changed and become a better man. He’s allowed himself to break free, and she needs to choose to leave her burdens behind, too. She can leave, but Waverly isn’t afraid anymore, because she knows she’ll always be back. It’s her home. It says so right on the mailbox. 

And finally, Wynonna lets herself believe Waverly and chooses to be free.

Wynonna runs out to the truck (in the same shirt she entered town in) and tries to start it, but even if Wynonna’s leaving, Gus’ truck is staying. Jeremy tracks Doc and sees that he’s almost at the border, and Nicole brings Wynonna her trusty leather jacket. Wynonna realizes the only way she’ll catch up is if she takes the back roads…and her motorcycle. Passing a “leaving Purgatory; you’ll be back!” sign, she almost catches up to Doc as they cross the border. She decides the best way to get Doc’s attention is to shoot out his wheel, and Charlene skids to the side of the road. They each walk about ten paces in a reverse duel and meet between their two vehicles. Yes, she shot Charlene, but good news — she loves him, and not just in a friend way. In a “bottom of a deep, dark well” way. She loves everything about him, including his butt because that’s where love lives, and how he loves her sister and her. She refuses to go to Cleveland in Charlene, but good news, there’s another form of transportation waiting for them. She climbs on her motorcycle, and he climbs behind her, embracing her and his status as the best damn sidekick in the business. “It’s been a long time since I traveled light,” she says, finally shaking off the weight of her responsibilities, her guilt, and the limitations of her hometown behind her. No sunset yet, but they do ride off into the gorgeousness of Alberta. It’s what they both deserve.

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

The couple stops off for a beverage as Wynonna looks at Doc’s itinerary. It’s pretty full and she wonders if they have time for a pit stop in Miracles, Montana, to visit their own little miracle. He wonders if Alice will recognize them, and Wynonna will take that bet; in fact, she’s all in.

And now, they ride off into the sunset.

At the Homestead, Nicole and Waverly finally enjoy some peace and quiet. Nicole assures her bride that Wynonna will be back, and Waverly knows she’s right. Waves wonders if Nicole is jealous of Doc and Wynonna’s adventure — does she wish they were the ones going on a road-trip honeymoon. But Nicole is a simple gal — she has everything she’s ever wanted and is where she always wanted to be — “home with my wife.”

“Home,” Waverly repeats back in possibly the last words ever spoken on Wynonna Earp.

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

The camera moves to the Earp mailbox, with a few additions from Wynonna, Nicole, and Waverly to Doc’s original mailbox, but the most important one reminding us that on this Homestead, in this town, on this show, everyone is welcome. 

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth

Let me first start by saying, Charlotte Sullivan is a goddamn delight. I had only seen her in a few things before this, but just her handful of minutes in this episode was enough to make me start watching Rookie Blue the next day. Brigitte may be my favorite monster-of-the-week, and not just because her portrayal was hilarious and delightfully unhinged (and you could see Melanie trying not to break). The character lost everything and was just reacting, and Waverly understood that. I think this is the first sign that things are going to be different in Purgatory. Wynonna didn’t automatically shoot just because she was a demon…or at least she let her sister stop her. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and they just react. I loved the portrayal, I loved the demon, and I loved the non-murdery resolution. It sucks that it’s taken this long to get Charlotte to Earp, but I can safely say it was worth the wait. This was a perfect role for her, and her performance was like nothing we’ve ever seen before. 

This was one of the most beautiful wedding scenes I have ever seen on any screen ever, and it’s not just because it’s two of my favorite characters on my favorite show doing a thing that I myself loved doing in my own life. It’s all the little things, sure — the costuming, the way it’s shot on a beautifully sunny Alberta day, the perfect vows, and all the rest of it — but also, it’s because the wedding was there to exist as a wedding; nothing more, nothing less. It wasn’t inserted as a filler, and it wasn’t used as a vehicle for a dramatic interruption or runaway-bride situation or the setting for a crime. It wasn’t a ratings stunt, and it was a focal point of the episode without it feeling exploitative. It existed because Emily Andras wanted to give Earpers the feeling that they got to see their favorites get married. There were empty chairs, sure, but it felt like the real guests who mattered the most weren’t in that field, or even just a name on a chair. They were the ones grabbing for tissues as they hit the volume buttons on their TV remotes so as to not miss a single word. It was a wedding because, more than Nicole and Waverly deserved to be married and be happy, we deserved to watch it happen. 

Waverly Earp has had such a journey on this show — from Champ Hardy to marrying a skull to walking away from the Garden of Eden to marrying her one true love. She’s slowly gotten out from underneath trying to be that perfect girl that everyone wants her to be and has fully embraced following her heart. And now she gets to spend the rest of her life doing what she wants most in the world.

I think with Wynonna Earp, like Jeremy said about WayHaught, the right amount of magic was involved. And boom — because of the people I met from this show, we are stronger than we were before. And we became love. There are different kinds of love, and what was created from this show is a different kind of powerful than what you get in a regular friendship. It’s a love born of and shared by people who feel like their souls and brains understand each other, and who have been looking for a really long time for people like them.

I sometimes feel like I’ve found the missing pieces of my family that I never knew I was missing. I will forever be grateful to this show for putting us all in the same box so we could fit ourselves snugly against each other. 

During a con, I had the pleasure of attending a writing class that Emily Andras held. It was the second time I went, and though I do like to fancy myself a writer, I am definitely not a fiction writer, much less a TV script writer. I didn’t know how much I’d actually get out of it, but I had friends going and I love hearing Emily talk, so I figured why not, right? Not to give too much away, but during the class, she mentioned a particular moment during Days of Our Lives that was pivotal for her in terms of storytelling. Picture it — Salem, 1984. Hope Brady is scheduled to marry local crime boss Larry Welch, when tough-guy Bo Brady kidnaps her from the nuptials and whisks her away off the back of his motorcycle. Imagine my surprise and delight when I realized that not only did Emily adapt this for her own needs, but she made Wynonna Bo Brady, with Doc Holliday the metaphorical bride on the back of the motorcycle. Proof that Emily Andras is a genius who possibly lives inside my brain, and who also knows that inspiration can come from anywhere.

Monica’s Random Points of Randomness:

  • Good thing Waverly didn’t wait till the last minute to ask Doc to stand up for her.
  • The smile that lights up Wynonna’s face when Waverly says she and Nicole are best friends will never not make me smile. 
  • The look on Wynonna’s face at Brigitte is maybe the best facing she’s done of the entire series.
  • Exactly how many guns do they have laying around the Homestead?
  • Wynonna’s reasoning for trying on the dress — that she just wanted to feel like a normal bride in a normal relationship — was relatable and believable and heartbreaking. 
  • “I think Mama’s banging her way through Turkey”; convenient, since one of the last times we saw her, she was elbow-deep in a turkey.
  • The “where you go, I go” banner was a lovely touch.
  • Waverly says she’s thankful for the bullet-proof vest? I’m calling that a Willa reference. 
  • I love that Jeremy caught the bouquet.
  • Doc, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is on a hellmouth, so just…use caution. 
  • No writer trusts their actors more with fewer words than Emily Andras.

Monica’s favorite lines:

  • This isn’t a secret wife, Nicole. This is the matrimonial icing.
  • Both of Waverly’s dads died here.
  • You are a good person. Not perfect, but trying, every day to be better. And that makes you the best man I have ever known. And so…I’d like you to be mine. Today. My best man.
  • It would be my joy to stand by your side and watch you marry that formidable woman.
  • “I am a gunslinger.” “Okay, nobody cares.”
  • Well, I guess we’ve got to find some bugs and save a wedding. 
  • Baby, if you left me at the altar, I would fuck shit up.
  • A coward would stay…instead of admitting it is high time to let go of the past and get to living.
  • I’ll make sand out of that witch.
  • Then why was the aggressive one in your wedding dress?
  • Was he not wearing his hat?
  • That cowboy became a cow man for you.
  • Fashion first, bitch.

I started writing recaps right here at this very blog in season two, and then in seasons three and four, I was lucky enough to have them featured at The TV Junkies. Because of some technical issues, they ended up back here, and I don’t hate the full-circle-ness of it all. I wrote them to make my friends laugh and because my brain was screaming for a creative outlet, unsure if anyone else would ever read them, but not really caring. I feel so lucky to have met the people that I did, in part because of the opportunities it gave me for my writing. I’ll never be able to thank my boss, Bridget Liszewski, enough for seeing a rando nerd writing way too many words about an episode and saying, “Hey, why don’t you do it here? No changes to anything except could you please make your pictures a different size?” I’ve been lucky enough to have pieces published about other shows and even interviewing someone from one of my favorite shows, and none of that would have been possible without Bridget and without you. 

It has truly been my honor and delight to write about Wynonna Earp all of these years, and I am so grateful to all of you for the support and encouragement (well, most of you; the season-four comments section has been disabled for a reason). Thank you for reading what I have to say and thank you for the opportunity to make you laugh. You let me be me, and nothing has made me happier. 

Obviously, I hope this is not the end. This show deserves six seasons and a movie, minimum, because these characters and the writers deserve it. That being said, if this is the end, wow — what a perfect ending. Emily Andras managed to do the impossible. She tied up the majority of the loose ends of the season (I know, I know, Eve, blah blah — look up “majority”), gave us a beautiful wlw wedding that made me cry and laugh in all the right places, and gave our titular heroine the happy ending she deserved. She gave us happiness and light during what has really been a time of darkness and despair. It’s easy, in a way, to write monster-of-the-week episodes, or even just completely fuck shit up and put everyone in danger, especially on a genre show. It’s a tried-and-true formula of getting in a pickle, being in the pickle, then consuming the pickle and being mostly okay, but dealing with pickle consequences. It’s more difficult to let everyone be happy and make it seem genuine and heartfelt and like it could actually happen, especially with characters as broken as the ones on this show are.

It’s harder to make the love interesting without the drama, I think. Not every show can do it, and no other writer could have done this, in my opinion. Wynonna wouldn’t be Wynonna without Emily, and she gave us one last gift — this perfect finale and a fitting send-off if this really is the end.

Wynonna Earp may have saved me, but Emily Andras, you are my hero.

Wynonna Earp airs every day at any time you want in your heart, because it will never truly leave us.

#DragonCon Wrap-Up

Hello! I swear I am still recovering from DragonCon. I came home and had a pretty nasty cold, so I’m still catching up on life and sleep and laundry, all while working a bajillion hours. It’s been great! I know I covered some of this stuff in the daily recaps we did, but I’m just gonna detail some of it again, probably. It’s my blog and I can do what I want. And bullet points are my friend. Notes in red (literal color commentary) are from Michelle.

  • I landed in the airport on Thursday, and my friends were already there. Apparently they were waiting for me with this sign, but we both missed each other. Too bad, because that shit is hilarious. (I also carried that sign around the entire time I was with Heidi, and I think she wanted me to go away.)
  • We arrived at our Airbnb, and it was a total fail in that they wouldn’t let us in. You can read more about that here, but let me just suggest to you that if this ever happens to you, call their customer service. I did not do that, and I should have. Luckily, my college bestie hooked us up. If she hadn’t, though, so many Earpers reached out and offered solutions and good vibes. In the midst of fuckery, this was welcome positivity.
  • The impromptu Fangirls Shirts meetup was super fun, and I don’t think I gave it its due in the original post. It was great to hang out with old friends and meet new ones, though there were a lot of people and it was a bit overwhelming. As you see, I had kind of a shit day, and a large group of people isn’t always my go-to happy place. But lovely people outweigh the anxiety eventually, and it was great. Beer helped. And so did this picture.
  • You can read about Friday here and the amazing adventure that was Almost Getting Run Over By Stan Lee. We thought we were special, and then as the weekend progressed, we saw more and more people tweeting that it happened to them. I think we need t-shirts. And a support group. Can someone make us a logo?
  • Friday was the day when part of our group passed another part in the skywalk and realized that it was maybe one of the circles of Hell. Seriously, all those people crammed into a tiny space? I wish I had thought to seek medication prior to the con. I had to stick to beer.
  • The most important thing that happened on Friday was probably meeting Docstache. I thought from her EarperView that she would be my jam, and meeting her in person only confirmed that. I was a little hesitant because she seemed to like VP, but I guess to each their own.
  • You can read more in-depth about Saturday here, but I’ll just say it was the day of our Yiska cult rejects cosplay and the day we stereotypically got caught in a parade.
  • One of my favorite things was naming the space between two platonic friends in a small bed The Ghost River Triangle. Don’t cross the line!
  • That con Marriott is basically the Hellmouth. Ugh.
  • Michelle and I drank some lukewarm Corona out of a can while we wrote up the blog because we are classy bitches. (How is there no picture of that?) Because neither of us like to have our picture taken?
  • Remember that time Emily Andras blocked me on Twitter? Me too. And now I’ll never forget because I printed out the notification and asked her to sign it.
  • We had a lovely breakfast on Sunday at The Corner Bakery, and I had a great blueberry hand pie. That’s your most important takeaway for Sunday.
  • Oh, and the evisceration of the patriarchy in two panels.
  • We also hit the Buffy panel, which was a lot less rage inducing. A highlight was when a fellow con-goer asked Charisma Carpenter if she had ever heard the Cordelia jingle from the Buffering the Vampire Slayer podcast, so Michelle provided the audio since it’s one of her alarms.
  • We had a bunch of photo ops that day, which you can read about here. They were all amazing, and I am so happy that we did them.
  • We did some pretty great Bauman poses. Next time, Jill!
  • At the Wynonna Earp panel, Heidi and I asked questions! I was so nervous, but luckily Docstache was behind me to calm me down and provide support. I asked the cast what their favorite Earp sisters moment was, a Known Question of Attack, and it was pretty great. My face got super red, though. Good thing I look amazing at all times, no matter what color my face is.
  • And Marcie asked the question that has divided the Earper community for months, thanks to the negativity of VP — mushrooms on pizza? Emily said yes, so I feel like the discussion is over, guys.
  • That night, we ate at the food court for approximately the 367th time, and Michelle got so angry that she threw her sandwich on the ground outside. Or, the ghost of Stan Lee’s scooter safety mechanism threw it on the ground because she wronged him. (I did a legit spittake in the general direction of my work laptop reading this.)
  • BUT I am a wonderful person and gave her half of my sandwich, but when the story gets told, she never remembers that; only that BP gave her some chicken tenders. And the saddest piece of “Texas toast” ever, because everything is bigger in Texas except for that toast.
  • That night was the Earper meetup, which was super cool. I got to meet some awesome people, but not as many as I should have because I am not great at talking to or approaching people. I wish I were better, and I’m sorry that I didn’t meet all of you because I’m bad at people-ing. I hope to be better by the next con. Probably ClexaCon?
  • But the people that I did meet were awesome, and I had an amazing time talking to them. It was so cool to meet all of you. I particularly loved the discussions about the different fandoms with Carol and Coral. So glad I got to meet you two awesome ladies. Can’t wait to hang out again!
  • Emily, Michael, Tim, and Shamier came to the meetup, too! I got a selfie with Michael, and he was so incredibly lovely. He kept turning to find the most flattering lighting so everyone got the best picture possible. Thank you, Michael. I was horribly sweaty, so, you know, it can only be so good. 
  • And everyone I talked to was OBSESSED with Shamier’s hat.
  • Bridget had been drinking a little and then was interacting with a service dog, so I assumed she was drunkenly not following the rules you should be with service animals, so I was like, “Bridget, you can’t pet service dogs!” But it was okay and I didn’t need to intervene. She insisted that she was sober, and though I’m not sure that was an accurate statement, it appeared that it was cool she was interacting with the dog. Moral of the story? Shut your damn mouth, Monica. B-train knows what’s up.
  • Even when she’s definitely drunk because IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY.
  • Monday morning, we had a kickass breakfast with BP at Waffle House. That may not be interesting to you, but we had a great time and it was amazing. I got mushrooms in my potatoes. Michelle had pickles with her waffle.
  • Monday was the last of the four cast panels. Everyone was so gracious and accommodating and so thoughtful in their answers, and they were all so generous with their time. This fan was very appreciative. Here are some high points:
    • Melanie Scrofano’s spirit animal is “a motherfucking sloth with a machine gun.”
    • Michael Ecklund thinks that Bobo just needs a friend. Gonna be mighty lonely in that well, sir.
    • Tim Rozon ships Doc and Wyatt.
    • Emily says Rosita has more in common with Wynonna than she realizes.
    • It was SO COOL that Shamier stopped in to say goodbye to everyone, and that he’s basically the biggest WayHaught shipper ever.
    • Someone used the phrase “Waverly cheated on Nicole” during a question, and my heart was warmed by how many people groaned.
    • “You can choose who you want to be versus who people tell you you are.” — Emily Andras
    • Kat’s dream guest star is Amy Acker. THAT’S MICHELLE’S DREAM GUEST STAR, TOO, KAT.
    • We have to wait until season 6 for a flashback to the chili cookoff.
    • And the most important lesson — per Emily, shave your legs with conditioner, not with shaving cream/gel/lotion/anything else.
  • Monday, I had dinner (tacos that were super tasty!) with BP, VP, Office, Lynn, Michelle, Heidi, and Docstache. I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, it was probably one of the highlights of the trip. Coincidentally, I also had a giant beer, but I’m sure those are unrelated facts. Here are some highlights:
    • I made a Traveling Deb, which I totally forgot to bust out until then. Sorry, Deb! But you were in my backpack the whole time!
    • At one point, sitting in between VP and BP, I shouted, “I AM SURROUNDED BY INITIALS!?
    • Someone Earpsplained to Office, Docstache, and me that “Emtothea” is “Em to the A,” and not “Em Tothea,” which SOME PEOPLE ARE STILL LAUGHING ABOUT. Hey, I thought maybe Tothea was her maiden name!
    • I also picked up the nickname of Cathy, and it’s because someone told VP that they were disappointed they didn’t talk to Cathy and VP had no idea who they meant. When they said “lesbiyinzer,” she was like, “You mean…Monica?”
    • So now my name is Cathy. Cathy Tothea.
  • After dinner, at our hotel, we did the same thing that many of the Earpers did and hard-core voted for Melanie in the #GirlOnTop contest. And holy shit, if I never see another Captcha again, I’ll be happy. Most of them were roads and bridges and cars, but for some reason I had a special hell that included woodpeckers, cake stands, and storefronts. And I of course live-tweeted it because I am who I am, and someone told me to “stop complaining” about the ones I was getting. O…kay? Like…this is kind of my thing, the “making fun of stuff” part? I wouldn’t call it complaining. But…sure.
  • The worst part about Dragon Con? Leaving. I was happy to come home to my wife and my cat and my house and my larger bed and not walking between 439 hotels each day, but there’s a certain level of comfort that goes along with a con for me. in regular life, when I walk into a room, if I’m lucky, no one notices me. Usually, I get stared at, whether it be for how I’m dressed, what my hair looks like, that I’m holding hands with my wife, that I’m wearing some random nerd t-shirt, or that I just look different (AKA queer) in general. I never feel that way at a convention, and feeling like I belong isn’t something I feel very often. As soon as I hit the airport, I got stared at, and not because someone loved my shirt. Sigh. But only a few more months till ClexaCon, right?

There you have it, friends. Several days of insanity condensed into some words that is probably still Unnecessarily Long. As always, I thank you so much for reading.

I’m hoping to start back up on the recaps I missed this season and then maybe do some for season one. We’ll see what happens. But I definitely have some stuff planned for later this year and next year that I am so excited about, I can hardly contain myself.

Many thanks to Michelle for the literal color commentary and to Heidi for the notes. My life is better with the two of you in it. You keep me sane, organized, colorful, and grateful.

 What’s better than dynamite? Boobs. These boobs in particular.

Purgatory in Sunnydale

Season 2 of Wynonna Earp has been the most Buffy-est show to hit my TV since, well, Buffy, and I know I’m not the only one who thinks so. So @micnic1291 and I thought it would be fun to unpack who our Purgatorian Scooby gang’s counterparts would be in Sunnydale. (Unfortunately, Michelle was “busy watching The Bold Type” when it was time to add in the pictures. What a coincidence.)

MAJOR, MAJOR SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED BUFFY!!! If you choose to read anyway, please don’t shout at either of us about being spoiled, because we warned you. And neither of us needs to be yelled at any more this week. 

Wynonna: She’s Buffy. She’s the big damn hero. She’s the reason we are all here. She saves us, and in some small way, we save her right back. She’s also Faith. Badass bitch in leather. “Fuck all of you” attitude. The spare heir/slayer, so to speak.


Waverly: Willow Rosenberg. Hella smart. Hella cute. Newly queer. This is an easy one. Just…try to avoid that ultimate evil part. You know…again. Continue reading

Wynonna Earp 2×08, AKA the One Where Wynonna Stepped in the Tardis and Nicole Just Stepped In It

Hello, friends! Apologies for the unexpected hiatus, and I’m afraid that the recap won’t be the same as usual. Real life has intervened, and I’m a bit short on time this week once again. But I do have a lot of thoughts, and I’d like to get some of them down. It won’t be the Unnecessarily Long Recap you’ve all grown to love tolerate, but I do have some observations, some screen shots, and a crazy theory or two. Let’s jump in!

Monica’s Random Points of Randomness:

  • I got into a nature-vs.-nurture discussion argument with @NedleysOffice on Twitter this week. I say Willa is a product of her environment and not just a straight-up sociopath; Office disagrees. But I have to tell you, Willa trying to kill Waves by having her fall through the ice does not exactly support my argument.
  • Who names a baby “Welcome”?
  • Widow!Mercedes is so freaking amazing.
  • Widow!Beth attacking Juan Carlo reminded me of the Leviathans on Supernatural. Then I remembered how they [spoiler alert] treat all of their female characters like 13th-class citizens, especially my dear, dear Charlie, and then I was super happy that shows like Wynonna Earp exist. Also, Juan Carlo reminds me of Bobby. Ahem. Back to it!
  • Rosie and Doc are super cute together. However, to be honest, I think they would be super cute with anyone, because holy shit, they are both so attractive. Daaamn.
  • Also, do any of the women of Purgatory dress appropriately to the weather?rosie
  • I love that Rosita, Doc, and Wynonna are all adults about this situation. It’s refreshing. No unnecessary drama.
  • Naps are my bitch, too, Wynonna.
  • Wynonna’s doctor was so freaking amazing. In both episodes we have seen her in so far. Non-judgmental, comforting, supportive, funny. Just wish I could find a doctor like that. I mean, not a baby doctor. I haven’t seen any angels in my dreams lately. We’re cool.
  • I’m with you, Nedley. Willie Nelson is a national treasure.
  • No way Waverly is that bad at pool. She practically grew up at Shorty’s. I call shenanigans.
  • Also, where’s that scar that chicks dig? And can we get some love for Nicole’s Pink Ladies jacket?pool
  • Nicole, you really can’t lie to your girlfriend at all.
  • I love Nicole’s unwavering disgust for Bobo.
  • I could really go for some nachos and tequila right now. Did I mention I’m in day 2 of 30 days of clean eating? I want all of the food. It’s fine. I’m fine.
  • I watched this episode at a friend’s house, and she was like, “Oh, Brendan Fehr!” I was like, “That is the least-exciting part of the episode for me, but I like that you’re engaged!”
  • You know what line I loved? “Neutral men are the devil’s allies.” I feel like that…really has a lot of relevance in our world today. Apparently Dolls likes to quote Edwin Hubbel Chapin.
  • “The Earp sisters will be reunited before sundown.” So…Willa, right? We’ll see Willa soon? I hope so. Sociopath or not, such a great character!
  • Hmm. Wonder what last time’s gross doctor’s-office story was.
  • “Holy pioneer balls” indeed, Wynonna.
  • I feel like that’s how I might react if I realized I was in a vision quest.
  • I love how she tells the baby to calm down. Such a great moment.
  • Crazy that Bobo’s hair gets better after he comes back from Hell. That’s a pretty neat trick.
  • Time really changes a man. Years in Hell made Bobo a bad dude. Years in a well made Doc a gentle, open-minded, caring soul. So I guess when given the choice between well and Hell, choose well. Both will give you great hair.
  • I guess Bobo’s always been a snazzy dresser.church
  • Loved that Juan Carlo punched a Widow. Solid choice.
  • Where can I get a piñata filled with doughnuts?!! (Day 2, guys.)
  • Nicole, always the voice of reason. Her talking about feeling like an outsider was so on brand with her character, and of course she wants everyone to get along, including Boobs McSeltzer and her boyfriend’s baby mama.
  • “She needs to see the past if we have any hope for the future” seems like the tagline to a summer blockbuster about a psychic time-traveler who’s leading a plucky band of misfits against an orange-skinned villain.
  • I love that the show is answering so many questions about the backstory. Proof that if you invest time in a show that loves you back, it’s worth it. I was especially impressed with Bobo’s backstory. Repeating “I am a good man” — heartbreaking.
  • I wonder if we’re gonna see good, old demon Sheriff Clootie in the next four weeks.
  • Dolls hates the woods! And it seems like he’s not a huge fan of the Widows, either.
  • I’m sorry, but the least-believable part in this episode was Nicole’s purse. She is not the kind of lesbian who would carry a giant purse like that. She’s either a “stuff it in your pockets” gal, or maybe a backpack or messenger bag on a special occasion, like a Pride fest or a softball game.
  • Oh, hey, while we’re on the subject of Nicole…oh, my goodness. I get it. Sometimes you do really stupid shit because you think you’re protecting the woman you love, but in reality, you’re treating them like a child. It’s completely understandable, sure, but…such a mistake. Such a mistake. You’re not Champ, Nicole. You are in a grown-up relationship, and you take care of each other — it’s not one-sided. And dropping the “I love you” feels desperate, though there’s no doubt in my mind she means it.
  • That being said…let’s not be too quick to judge, Waverly. You kept the fact that you fought a demon that was possessing you for SEVEN WEEKS to yourself. So, you know, let’s all just admit that love makes you do the wacky and have some of that make-up sex you think is so great.
  • I just hope that Nicole heard Waverly loud and clear. She needs a partner, not a mother. Someone to be there with her through hard times, not someone who tries to make decisions for her. Stand up and be the woman and girlfriend we know you can be, Nicole. Be the partner Waverly deserves.
  • Sorry. I have a lot of feelings.
  • Ever wonder what sadness looks like? It’s this. This is sadness.nic
  • If I had more time, I would do a whole photo collage devoted to Kat Barrell’s face in this episode.
  • Who carries a spool of thread on their person?
  • I think Bobo took even longer to die than Laura Hollis did.
  • That scene with Bobo and Wynonna, where she tells him she’s Waverly and he worries about what he’ll become — sheer genius and perfection. All of the feelings.
  • And all of the mind-fuck. Which actions caused which? How could he think Waverly is his angel before Wynonna traveled back in time to tell him that? Oh, time-travel. You’re such a tricky shit ticket.
  • Wynonna being dead for 77 seconds, huh? The exact number of revenants? Well, that must definitely be a coincidence.
  • Well, I’m sure Wynonna saying she and Dolls will never be enemies is definitely not foreshadowing.

Monica’s Insane Theory:

What if Waverly’s parentage is a red herring?  Maybe she’s an Earp; maybe she’s just the product of an affair. What if it doesn’t matter? What if NICOLE is the half revenant/half human that Jonas spoke about last week? Remember how Jack said she was “the wrong kind”? And maybe she was just drawn to Purgatory….or Nedley has known all along and recruited her. He’s no small-town idiot cop. I think he’s been playing the long game, well, for a long time, especially since he seems to be pretty familiar with Juan Carlo. Maybe he replaced that awful Sheriff Clootie years and years ago and he’s been kicking it since, Mayor Wilkins style. And it was time to bring in half-Revenant Nicole Haught to town to fight the big bad.

Thanks for joining me, friends. Sorry it wasn’t one of my “traditional” recaps, but I still hope you enjoyed it. I had fun writing it! See you next time!

Wynonna Earp 2×05, AKA the One Where the Goo Jumps Between Earps, Nicole is the Best Girlfriend Ever, Doc Gets a New Car, Dolls and Lucado Fight, and Also That Reveal With Wynonna

Wow, these titles are getting longer and longer.

Hello, Earpers! Welcome to another Unnecessarily Long recap. Evelyn Andrews teased a big reveal, and holy shit, she wasn’t kidding. It was a game-changing episode, both for the series and for a new standard by which to hold show runners, networks, and their actors. Seriously, that reveal at the end said as much about Wynonna Earp the story as it did Wynonna Earp the show. Grab some soup and a peanut butter chaser; if you’re tied to a chair, get comfy; and whatever you do, DON’T TOUCH THE GOO.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Edwin Earp’s plate was stolen from a Black Badge operative, but don’t worry — his family got it back; Waverly had her hand cut off , but don’t worry — Gooverly grew it back; Dolls is a dragon; and Wynonna is now the Keeper of the Goo…and creepy AF.

We open on a cross between Buffy’s demon-lizard (patriarchial) frat boys and the Initiative chanting in the general direction of a businessman who is actually a busigooman, and they promptly cut off his head. There’s “only one” left to cleanse from the world, which sounds pretty good. Their leader, unfazed by the head he’s just dropped, asks if anyone else wants to go for nachos.


Let’s just maybe hold off on the salsa? Or go salsa verde. No reason.

At the Homestead, Goononna is mixing up a special smoothie bloody Mary for Waverly with all of the basic food groups — home fries, bacon, and a rat. Interestingly, it looked like she cooked the bacon first, though the rat was raw.


She’s still lovely, but this smile is so…chilling.

Continue reading

Wynonna Earp 2×03, AKA the One with Cheerleader Waverly and Also a Shit Ton of Other Stuff, Including Nicole Being a Kickass Cop

The formatting of the pictures this week is a little cocked up. I apologize. I was working on four different electronic devices and was having trouble getting everything where it needed to go. And technology is difficult!

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Wynonna missed Dolls and Doc said it was okay, Nicole is concerned that Waverly is still “her” Waverly, and then they have sexy times, after which Waverly is so famished after that she needs to refuel with a spider snack, which I feel is definitely not on brand with what is normal Nicole’s Waves. But it does tell us that Officer Haught’s skills aren’t just in cuffing perps, if you know what I’m saying. (I’m saying she’s good at the sex.)

Hold on to your taints, E-trains, because this is the episode we have all been waiting for. Evelyn Andrews and company finally gave us the cheerleading scene she’s been teasing for months, and then, quite frankly, it ends up being one of the least-fascinating parts of the story. I mean, as long as you’re here at least a little bit for plot and not just gratuitous cheerleader undercarriage.

The episode opens on Waverly doing a special cheer for her gal pal, Nicole. It’s sexy. It’s sweet. It’s technically impressive because apparently there’s nothing Dominique Provost-Chalkley can’t do. How can a scene be so sweet and so motherEarping Haught hot? I don’t know, but it is. (Also, I’m rewatching this in a salon/spa in West Virginia as I write this part and have to carefully angle the screen so no one grabs pitchforks and attacks the lesbian for watching “porn.”) And only this show can have a cheerleading scene and it still feels feminist and empowering.


No salty comments. No pop-culture references. This scene was amazing, and the talent of both Dominique to perform it and Katherine to react to it is unmeasurable. A tip of the nonexistent hat to you, ladies.

Nicole says the gross people at Homecoming will love her cheer routine, and Waverly explains this was a special show only for her girlfriend, before she has to [pouting] go on patrol. Well, Waverly, that’s what happens when you exclude your woman from signing blood oaths with ancient government agencies. She has to do boring things like patrol and do crowd control instead of joining you in the decontamination shower. Waverly doesn’t care much for this, because instead of all hands being on deck, she wants Nicole’s hands to stay right where they are.


Guess she likes the haircut. Also, this look is just pure love like.

Waves continues her preview for her GIRLFRIEND, but unfortunately Wynonna once again clam-jams her sister — almost literally — and walks in on what apparently was a somewhat naked cheer. Whoops!


Seriously, is part of your heir power to walk in at literally the worst time? Because that’s all you do.

Nicole decides to leave, the awkwardness just too much for her. Waverly agrees to “meet” her later, meaning hang out at the high school while Nicole is on duty. Wynonna takes advantage of her absence to tease Waverly about her new relationship, asking if she needs to leave a pair underwear on the door to signal she’s with her girlfriend, since they’re not being used for anything else. Waverly sees through Wynonna’s deflecting, though, and Wynonna admits she can’t get the image of Earl’s body in the open Hellmouth out of her head. Sure, nothing else has happened, but Wynonna’s not stupid. Something is coming.



Wynonna continues polishing the shaft of Peacemaker and threatens to leave Waverly to deal with the demons alone. One really great usage joke (lam/lamb) later, Waverly grabs the gun, makes the requisite “polishing the shaft” joke, gives the gun barrel some pretty seductive non-goo eyes, giving credence to my theory that she’s trying to make shiny things and herself her new OTP. Wynonna talks about high school in basically the same tone that I do, since she hated every single one of those motherfuckers. Waves insists it wasn’t that bad, and Wy says some were “champs,” leading this viewer to expect Champ Hardy and his Champ Stamp to show up. So. Freaking. Confusing.

“They were champs,” she says, which is definitely not foreshadowing! Are we about to meet a tiny army of gluten-free boy-men?

We enter the high school and find a young man (Bryce) staring at a trophy, muttering about how much of an idiot he was. I don’t know Bryce, but basing my judgment off of my high-school experience, he was an idiot. Ominous music plays, alerting us to TROUBLE! And trouble in this case means a demon with some worms for a face.


The demon compels Bryce to pull out his…liver? (Listen, I type for a living. I don’t know much about basic human biology, other than a little bit of chemistry, if you know what I’m saying. wink) Bryce kneels down, liver in his hand, because those are apparently really easy to pull out when a demon is helping you with surgery.

I wish I had some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Nicole and Nedley are investigating the murder. Nicole wants to check his ID, but Nedley knows who he is, because Nedley has been around for 30 years and Nicole is a rookie flatfoot but looks way better in khakis and is also hella smart even if she didn’t go to high school with these jags. Bryce was a member of the last high school team that won a hockey championship, proving Purgatory is basically an alternative version of Pittsburgh because who else would be so obsessed with hockey, really? Oh, right. Canada.

Nedley wants to pass this off to Black Badge, but Nicole doesn’t understand, because it’s a “straight-up homicide — it’s ours.”

Don’t think you’re the best judge of straight anything, HaughtPants.

Nedley says there are other things going on in town with homecoming, so they need to pass it off, which sounds like a load of Revenant poop to me. Obviously, he knows something is going on. He tells her to make it like it never happened, and Nicole’s good-cop hackles are rising. Wynonna, who was apparently watching the whole exchange, doughnut in hand, takes a handful of photos on her cellphone, feeling that she has done her part. Nicole’s frustration is evident, to say the least.

You are getting powdered sugar everywhere, and I have to clean that up. Also, you couldn’t even bring me a doughnut? I thought we had a connection.

This is not the finger I’m giving you in my head.

Shorty’s has reopened under new management, and it’s going so much better than the last new management, because probably way less murder and torture. Rosita is restocking while Doc is basically just standing around, looking pretty. Wonder if he ever fixed those taps? He asks Rosita about their “latest cocktail,” which I’m assuming is the Bubba Basement Special. She needs better ingredients, something pure. And also more tequila.

I am…unfamiliar with pure things as of late. Tequila? No problem.

Wynonna shows up looking for Doc, and Rosita asks if she wants a spritzer, which is somehow the most insulting thing she could have said. Mercedes is there and invites Wynonna over to commiserate over some tequila. No wonder they just ran out.

Wynonna asks about Mercedes’ siblings, Beth and Tucker, who are apparently douche canoes and worthy of a Grey Gardens reference. Mercedes tries to fix up Wynnona with former classmate Perry, who is…incredibly good looking.

I do like pretty boys.

Wynonna says Perry doesn’t have much of a personality, because if there’s one running theme with Wynonna’s men, it’s they have a shit ton of personality. Mercedes picks up on her broken heart immediately, though.

What heart? I’m the goddamn Earp heir! A lone wolf! Just today I…walked in on my underwear-less sister. I’m…so…sad.

Then Wynonna remembers Perry was friends with Bryce and wants to interrogate him, so Mercedes invites him over, which was not exactly what she had in mind, but she’s going to roll with it. Perry remembers her as the girl everyone who was scared of, talks about her dead sister and father, and mentions her breakdown, which leads me to believe he needs to take a class in the Nicole Haught Art of Seduction and Wooing Earp Women ™. She leaves, and apparently whatever her deal is now gets Perry going, because he asks Mercedes for her number.

Wynonna finally finds Doc (who seems to have found that extra tequila) and shows him a picture of Bryce, but Doc has no idea what the ’07 team, champs, or even hockey are. Wynonna wonders if the liver-removal has something to do with her Hellmouth seal under the library in the chapel, and Doc reminds her that they have both that and the extra demon beasties to round up for Black Badge. It’s a pretty busy week. Rosita invades Doc’s personal space, and Wynonna gets instantly jealous and insults Rosita’s intelligence. Doc defends her mixology skills, and Wynonna is annoyed that Doc isn’t putting in 100% to Black Badge. She declines a drink, he makes a brothel joke, and she takes off. Doc offers to go with her, and she declines.

At Black Badge, Jeremy is doing his best to piece together the mystery of Earl’s goodbye and the Hellmouth, and Wynonna isn’t impressed.

All of these pictures are just you and Doc’s faces photoshopped over memes of President Obama and Vice President Biden.

Wynonna asks if Nicole has passed along the evidence from Bryce’s murder, and Jeremy asks if she’s always so…quietly hostile. (The answer is no, not always, but sometimes.) But Wynonna won’t answer, because Nicole is her BroTP. Jeremy doesn’t see a connection to the Hellmouth killer, but he agrees it’s no simple murder. He either let his liver be pulled out or pulled it out himself. He asks about Dolls, but Wynonna deflects because she doesn’t even trust the new person banging her sister, much less this toddler. Jeremy backs off, but asks that next time, Nicole closes the victim’s eyes, because the way he was staring at the trophy is creepy. Nice catch, Jeremy.

Perry calls Wynonna for a date, but when she says “Perry,” my mind immediately goes to Lola Perry, which is a different kind of date. Perry’s hanging around in his hotel shirtless (because this show is an equal-opportunity eye-candy exploiter), like you do, and they make a date. Wynonna does some equally awkward flirting, and they agree that he’ll pick her up at the homestead. Then, abandoning the idea of chocolate and flowers, he drains the blood out of a skinned rabbit.

🎤Bunnies, bunnies, it must be bunnies 🎤

We see a book with some ancient symbols that Waverly could probably definitely translate, but thanks to Lucado and the goo-infusion, her brain is a bit underused so far this season. Also, if Gooverly reads it, it’s possible the entire town will collapse into a sinkhole.

Apparently, good old Perry knows Sam and Dean Winchester because he’s researching the very popular Crossroads Demon. (Shout-out to my wife for helping me figure that one out! Chris, you’ll never read this, but you’re the best!)

Exterior — the serene Earp homestead.

Well, that’s a beautiful shot and definitely not done to lull us into a false sense of security and something bad is about to happen.

Waverly and Wynonna are discussing lipstick shades for Wynonna’s big date. Apparently, her only choices are shades that definitely aren’t sexist at all (Scarlet Tart or Pink Tease?). Well, actually, in my limited makeup experience, this seems on point. Waves teases Wynonna a bit about her upcoming date with Lola Perry, but Wynonna insists she’s all business. Perry and Bryce were teammates. Waves is just happy Wynonna is putting herself out there and if the Master does open the Hellmouth, she wants Wynonna at her best — whiskey soaked and reckless.

Baby girl, this is a horrible idea. 

Perry has arrived at the Homestead, and Wynonna tosses the silver tube back to Waverly and leaves. Waves is entranced by the shiny metal, her black possessed eyes taking over temporarily and she EATS THE GODDAMN LIPSTICK.

So is this what a Lipstick Bisexual does?

At the high school, Mercedes is working the Homecoming crowd, whipping up the alumni into a frenzy about the hockey champs! While Mercedes works the crowd, Wynonna…pretends to work something else.

Technically, I have no frame of reference for this gesture. She’s miming staking a vampire, right?

Random dude mutters to Perry about where Bryce is. Oh, right, no one knows because Nicole is great at all cop things, including removing evidence. Yay, Nicole! Mercedes announces a new community center — funded by her parents’ money, of course — and the crowd seems super excited! More excited than Mercedes, because she probably would have rather had that cash with no strings attached so she would not be forced to live in Purgatory. Wynonna silently gives her support, and Mercedes wraps it up.

They’ve all got so much Blue Devil pride! Except that rando in the blue mask. That is the most horrifying thing in this episode.

Perry leaves; Wynonna follows.


Honestly, probably not the worst date Wynonna has had.

They lament the town’s inability to let one championship team go even after 10 years. Even Perry thinks they’re celebrating something pointless, and he even helped bring the pointless in the first place. Wynonna’s questioning of Perry is interrupted by Skip (seriously, who fucking named these douche bros?), sobbing to Perry that they’re too late — their beloved B-Train (Bryce, for those of you who don’t speak douche bro) is dead. Perry tells Skip that he’s drunk and making no sense and leaves to take him home. Meanwhile, Wynonna is stuck on the most important takeaway here. B-Train? Really? Also, the shadier Perry gets, the more intrigued Wynonna gets.


But you’ll never be “120 years in a well” mysterious, Perry. Not even if you’re possessed by an ultimate evil but still trying to be Betty Crocker.

While Perry and Skip go wherever it is douche bros go, Waverly shows up at the high school. After some sisterly ribbing, Wynonna asks her sister to help her follow up on the Skip lead, and Waverly declines because she’s waiting for Nicole to get off…work. Wynonna tells her it’s like when Waverly skipped her valedictory address to watch Champ play video games. Point, Wynonna, even if he was about to defeat a really difficult level. Waverly insists this is different, and Wynonna isn’t buying it. She doesn’t want Waverly to forget she’s an Earp…which was definitely the wrong thing to say.


The Earpiest Earp gives the glariest glare and best hide your shiny junk, Wynonna. Like those lock-picking dental tools.

Waverly is done with judgy Wynonna, telling her that when her taste in men improves, maybe she will listen to a lecture. Wynonna realizes she pushed too far. Waverly enters the gym where Nicole is working the most boring job ever — keeping mild-mannered Purgatory citizens from…drinking poisoned champagne and hurling homophobic insults? Maybe I’m mixing up parties.

Waverly finds her girl and immediately gets all playful and cute…which is fine and great and awesome when they’re alone, but not when Nicole is working, especially when Nicole already feels like her job isn’t as important as the rest of the kids’. Nicole tries to get Waverly to amuse herself for a few hours until she’s done, because she also doesn’t see the point of her just hanging out while she’s patrolling. Waverly catches sight of the shiny, shiny trophy; her goo eyes blaze.


Me, when I saw the custom Pride Converses.

Overcome with goo-motion, she grabs Nicole and kisses her. Now, I like hot lady kisses as much as (or more than) the next girl, but…way inappropriate. Also, please don’t stop doing it. You know, at the right moments. Because there’s a time and a place for everything, and kissing your girlfriend in front of a crowd of mouth breathers while she’s trying to earn and keep their respect is neither.


I am clam-jamming myself. Am I an Earp now?

Nicole discovers hometown Creeper McGillicuddy, Tucker Gardner, taking upskirt videos of some nearby cheerleaders.


You better stay away from both me and my girlfriend, both in and out of uniform.

In addition to the already creepy video he took, Tucker also has some WayHaught footage, and this is the last straw for Nicole. Waverly pleads with Nicole to let him go because he’s a Gardner (“I don’t care what he does!), but Nicole’s not having it. Embarrassed by her girlfriend, frustrated by her lack of job mobility, and so confused because people keep talking about champs and she keeps wondering where her ex’s ex is, she snaps. She cuffs Tucker (still sexy) and perp-walks him out of the gym, all the while Tucker shouting the Law & Order classic “you’ll regret this!” Well, it was implied.

Wynonna finds Skip at his house, lamenting that B-Train is gone. She finds a symbol painted in blood on his door and on his forehead, because that’s definitely a normal thing you do in Purgatory. Actually, it probably is.


I’m so glad B-Train didn’t have to see you this way.

Apparently, Perry put it there, probably making Wynonna want to swipe right even harder. (Is it right or left? I’m married and don’t know stuff.) The demon charges them, vowing to take what is his. Wynonna draws Peacemaker. Worm Face stops charging but compels Skip to perform an emergency liver-ectomy. Wynonna turns to fire, but Worm Face is gone…and then Skip runs off.


How is he so fast?! He’s covered in rags and has worms on his face!

At the station, Nicole watches as Tucker’s sister, Beth, who’s dressed like she’s auditioning for a part in Little House on the Victorian Vampire Prairie, gets her brother released from holding. She didn’t even post bail — Nedley just let him go, something that Nicole…takes issue with. Nedley lectures her on language (because of hoo-ha? Really, Nedley? If Nicole were Nick instead of Nicole, would you be lecturing him? Actually, you probably would. Carry on.) Nedley takes the opportunity to gently reprimand his Haughtshot cop that proper behavior includes not making out with your girlfriend, in addition to not using the word “hoo-ha.”


To be fair, she kissed me, and I told her to stop. Also to be fair, have you SEEN Waverly Earp?

Nedley tells Nicole to back off the Gardners because their parents were good people and “boys will be boys.” Nicole once again takes a little bit of offense at that.


“Sorry, did I hit my head and wake up in patriarchal bullshit land? is something I say every fucking day, it seems.

While Nedley’s telling Nicole to go restock the first-aid kit (maybe she’ll run into her lady getting coffee), this is happening in the background.


Just like I don’t look at my pals like Kara and Lena look at each other, siblings…shouldn’t look at each other like this.

Tucker wants Nicole charged with harassment, and seriously, Tucker, you have no idea what hell you have brought on yourself. You think this is harassment? Wait till she [spoiler alert!] loses the khakis!

Tucker calls Nicole a nasty woman, and Beth replies with “I know, baby.”


Hey, creepy siblings, that’s MY line.

Nedley puts Nicole on paperwork duty and basically tells her she needs to learn her place, which is definitely what Nicole needed today. Yep.


I almost feel bad for Tucker, except I don’t. Also, her earrings are so shiny. Wonder if Gooverly has seen those? Probably not, because her ears are intact.

Nicole walks in on Wynonna battling the Keurig and immediately helps her, because even when she’s at her worst, Officer Haught is just a genuinely good person. Wynonna is at the office picking up some books for Waverly, and Nicole says it’s because Waves is avoiding her. Nicole did that thing that Wynonna hates, which is talk about feelings.



Wynonna tries to leave, and Nicole stops her, asking about Waverly. Her girl seems…different, and she’s worried. Wynonna, protective of Baby Girl until the end of time, immediately assumes the worst and gets defensive. Nicole says ever since Willa died, Waves hasn’t been herself. Nicole says that what she loves (!) about Waverly, her sweetness, seems like it’s sometimes missing. Wynonna asks if Nicole is just HaughtHurt because Waverly kept her out of Black Badge, and Nicole wisely backs off. Too late, though. Nicole really does have a lot to learn about this town.


Could this day GET any worse? It started out so…well.

Waverly, Wynonna, and Doc are having a meeting at the homestead, talking about Perry, the blood symbol, and the demon. Waves teases Wynonna a bit about her “date,” but neither she nor Doc are biting. Waverly’s processing, and Wynonna’s freaking out. She doesn’t want to bag and tag low-level demons to keep Black Badge of their case. Come on, guys. This isn’t the Initiative, and she’s no Riley Finn. She knows something hinky is up with the Hellmouth, and she’s frustrated she can’t figure it out. They’re interrupted by a knock on the door, and Waverly grabs a non-shiny shotgun. It’s Perry…who Doc immediately knocks out.


Got him!

Waverly tells the gang that Perry wasn’t summoning; he was protecting. Doc goes to grab his “vapors,” which are apparently smelling salts that probably smell real salty after 120 years in a well. A quick Google search tells me that salts of hartshorn are a dry form of ammonia and probably smell like my cat’s litter box, so, yes, that will wake a person up right quick.

Wynonna interrogates Perry, who insists she won’t believe him. Trust me, Perry. She’s seen weirder. What had happened is the hockey team’s coach gave the boys a spell to win because that’s definitely not an overreaction to losing sports games. (I don’t know what it’s like to lose, what with me living in the city of champions.) So Skip, B-Train, Cam, and Perry hit the bong,summoned the demon, and made a wish, with little thought to what that would mean for the future. Well…boys will be boys.

Worm Face appeared out of the trophy, and they traded their lives for 10 years of good luck. After 10 years of fortune, the boys all returned to Purgatory because if the demon doesn’t get the ones who made the deal, it will go after their families. Yeah, even after making a really, really stupid fucking decision, Perry’s a good dude.


Sorry, my friend. You just lost her.

After ten seconds of explaining, Waverly pulls a Giles and immediately knows that it’s a Marzaniok, a bringer of good and bad fortune. For a second there, I thought Anyanka was gonna show up, but maybe next episode. Wynonna develops a plan (because she’s the goddamn Earp heir), and the troops fall out.

Doc drops a bomb on Wynonna that they need to save the demon to help save Dolls, which is what he’s been working towards this whole season time.



Doc tells her that the thing he and Rosita are trying to reverse-engineer is Dolls’ serum, they’re running out of time…and they need pure demon’s blood. Wynonna is on board with not killing someone for a change.

Perry and Doc happen upon Nedley, another officer, and a dead body.


You mean…Nicole isn’t the only deputy in town? This dude’s probably a Revenant.

The dead body is Cam, the fourth in the Douche Bro version of The Craft. In my head, it’s Cameron Tucker, and it’s even sadder, because the world needs its Cameron Tuckers. Cam tore his own eyes out, and thanks, Evelyn, for not showing us that. Doc tells Perry that he’s well on his way to being fucked up enough for Wynonna to date, and Perry’s not amused.

Waverly tracks down Skip via his (stacked) wife, and she heads out to find him. She runs into Tucker on the way, who seems to have a strange obsession with Waverly. (I mean, it’s not strange, because Waverly.) He tells her she should smile more often, and honestly, I’m surprised she didn’t kick him in the nards then, because fuck you, The Patriarchy. I’ll smile when I want! Ahem. Sorry. Back to task.

Tucker asks if she can get her “cop friend” to treat him with more respect, and Proud Queer Waverly tells him, “Officer Haught is my girlfriend.” Tucker tells her that can’t be, because it would just be wrong…prompting an appearance from Gooverly. She attacks Tucker but then gets distracted by his shiny medic-alert bracelet. Doc calls her, and Waverly answers, bubbly and sweet, dark eyes gone.



Back at the high school, this year’s hockey team is about to polish the trophy, or whatever it is sports boys do. The boys need the luck of the ’07 team, and Head Polisher tries to insult Wynonna, I guess, by calling her “Lunch Lady” and “Mom.” Wynonna dispatches the boys as Mercedes looks on. And then we get our Slow-Mo Wyn Walk(tm) of the episode.

Crazy, awesome bitch indeed, Mercedes.

Doc and Perry drive up on Wynonna, trophy in hand, because it’s gonna take a lot more than “8 seconds in the penalty box” to stop Wynonna fucking Earp. Doc says they found Skip, but it isn’t Skip they’re worried about. And cut to…NO! NOT NICOLE!

Skip’s in jail because he stole a car and crashed into a tree, all under the influence of Mad Dog, probably. Skip pleads to Nicole to let him out, and she waves (ha) off his arguments, because she knows what real beasties are, sir, thank you very much.


I think one did a cheer for me this morning, so…you might say I’m an “expert.”

Skip apologizes, because Worm Face is here. He starts to do self-surgery, and Nicole finally sees him, drawing her gun, because Nicole fucking Haught is a really great fucking cop and demon or human or creepy little white dude, she’s gonna do her job. The demon throws Nicole aside, and she won’t back down. He throws her into a window, and she gets back up for more. Because Nicole Haught is a fucking badass and doesn’t need anyone to save her…but is probably at least a little bit grateful that Doc showed up and shot Worm Face in the head. And despite the disagreement Wynonna and Nicole had earlier, Wy’s first concern is for her friend and her sister’s girlfriend. And she doesn’t even reply to Nicole’s “I had him right where I wanted him” with a “sure, Jan.”

Perry runs to the demon; Wynonna, Doc, and Nicole following. Perry tries to do the right thing and reason with it in German, but just like you can’t argue with crazy, you can’t talk a demon down, even if it is in German, a truly terrifying-sounding language (which I happen to adore). A throwaway line tells us that neither her lady nor her sister know where Waverly is, and Perry tries to keep German-ing the demon.

The demon compels Perry to turn the talisman he’s holding, which I can only assume is an intricately carved wooden Christmas ornament he picked up at Toronto’s Christkindlmarkt, on himself, and Wynonna tries to get the demon back in the trophy. She can’t stand to see another person die in front of her, so she draws Peacemaker on the demon, willing to sacrifice Dolls in order to save Perry.

The demon tries to make a deal with Wynonna, and she considers it briefly, because who wouldn’t? She could be rid of the curse, her sister could be safe, and Waverly could get her own place where she could not wear all of the underwear she wanted to. But that’s not our hero, is it? Wynonna does make a wish — wishing he’d go back in the trophy, proving our hero is as smart as she is brave and sexy. Sure, she may have been just as surprised as the rest of us that it worked, but whatever it takes.

Wynonna calls Perry brave and stupid, and he agrees. Wynonna tells him that at least he tried to save his friends, because she knows better than anyone that sometimes that’s the best you can do. They kiss, because holy shit are both of them attractive, but it isn’t meant to be. She says it’s because she’s broken, and maybe she’s right, but that doesn’t mean she’s not perfect. She plays with her necklace, because what would an episode be without a vague reference to a remaining mystery?!


Oh, this old thing? I got it at a custom jewelry booth at FanExpo. Why do you ask?

And now comes probably my favorite scene of the episode — Nedley Talks to Nicole. She’s busy cleaning up the mess that Skip and the demon made, and she insists she’ll clean everything up AND do her paperwork, Cop Dad. But that’s not why Nedley is here. He hands her a coffee and explains that the people of Purgatory ignore the fact that it’s basically Sunnydale.


Fucking seriously? That’s your wisdom, Cop Dad? I bet Space Dad would have done better.

The people who live there want a simple life and believe it’s worth ignoring all of the abnormal things around them. Nicole thinks she’s experiencing concussion symptoms, but Nedley hopes not because he tells her that he hand-picked her for a reason. Graduated top in her class, smart as a fucking whip, and he wants her to be the next sheriff. He worked to recruit her because he saw something in her — the same thing that that every single Earper sees in her. She’s so brave, so intelligent, so tenacious. Her instincts are legendary. She’s got it all.

He knows that Black Badge seems like the cool place to be, but someone has to protect those people who are busy ignoring the demons descending into hell. Someone has to do the dirty work, and just because it’s not a flashy job doesn’t mean it’s not as important. Because Wynonna can’t shoot Peacemaker if Pete steals it on a B&E. She hears him but says she needs more manpower, and they have to work with Black Badge because ignoring a problem never made it go away.


Even this height difference is pretty cute.

He agrees to let her work with Black Badge when necessary, because he realizes (like we do) that she’s got the best instincts of anyone in town. And the most important takeaway of this conversation — she successfully argues herself out of those khakis, and not in a sexy-times-with-my-gal-pal way.


Don’t make me block you.

He tells her he’s all about playing the long game, something he’s been doing with Tucker Gardner for a long time, he says, as he hands her a folder with Tucker’s name on it.

He recognizes that her ambition is a good thing. He never wanted to discourage it; just help it along in the right way, even if that means behind the scenes. Nedley is the opposite of every douche bro on this show, guys.



Tucker is telling his sisters that Waverly attacked her, and Mercedes not having it. Laura Ingalls Wilder Beth says they have to stick up for each other, and Mercedes, who actually has a clue about being a normal human, calls her siblings a “directionless shut-in” and a “town pervert,” which seems pretty accurate to this viewer. Then Mercedes cuts them both down, using her viewing of Wynonna’s beat-down as inspiration. She tells her brother to leave WayHaught alone and her sister to stop defending him. After Tucker threatens her life, she cuts him off from the family fortune. He has a Dawn Summers-worthy freak-out and flounces off, so Mercedes pours a relaxing glass of wine and sits down and enjoys it and that’s all that happened.


You sure about that, Monica?

Sigh. That’s not what happened, because anyone associated with the Earps can’t have nice things. She’s joined by a women in black, who now has shiny finger armor, and gives a horror-movie-worthy scream as the creature appears to break her neck. I hope this isn’t the last we see of Mercedes.


Maybe it just likes her shiny shirt!


Waverly and Wynonna work together figuring out how to stop the trophy demon permanently, as Waverly does some translating. Wynonna talks about how brave Nicole was and then asks Waves how they’re doing. Waverly insists things are fine and really seems like she means it, which is…concerning in its own right. Waverly insists Nicole is her “best baby,” and Wynonna wants Waves to remember that she is actually the best…and just wants Nicole to remember. Waves will remind her tonight but says it will help if Wyn returns her lipstick…which she already did. But she doesn’t remember, because goo-outs.

Then Gooverly catches sight of the shiny trophy and almost “comes out,” but Wynonna’s there. She asks if Waves is okay, but Waverly insists she is…then steals a cocktail mixer from Shorty’s.

Rosita and Doc are cooking their special brew, and Doc is warning her about how to act around a demon, not because he thinks she’s stupid but because Doc knows she’s smart enough to think she can outsmart it. Wynonna, trophy in hand, passes Rosie on the stairs and asks Doc what the setup is. He explains they’re trying to reverse-engineer Dolls’ anti/pro-lizard serum, and Wynonna underestimates “Boobs McSeltzer”‘s skills as a serum-maker, but Doc informs her that she has a degree in biochemistry. Wynonna realizes she shouldn’t be judging people by their cover, because Boobs here is a fucking genius.

Wynonna wonders why Doc didn’t tell her any of this plan, then realizes Dolls made him promise not to. She’s hurt, but Doc explains that he’s expendable to Dolls. She isn’t.


Fuuuuuck, I hate squishy feelings.

She’s shocked that he did it, even though it means if Lucado finds out, she could kill him. Doc explains he’s not doing it for Dolls. He tells her that for a second, he thought Wynonna might wish away the curse, but she reminds him she’s stubborn and always takes the hard way.


Like dating your great-great-grandfather’s best friend, who is mostly immortal.

Doc laments that he took the easy way out, and he’s living and living, and maybe it’s not always a good idea to strike deals with demons.


Wait. Does that include blood oaths? Asking for a friend.

The serum isn’t ready, but Doc was supposed to make the drop to him two days ago. They have to take it to him, because he can never set foot back in Purgatory. I wonder if this means that —


Yep, there’s Dolls in the Earp barn.

He calls out for Waverly, but she’s taken her new shiny prize home to her Little Mermaid stash, really going for historical accuracy as she sings to it.

8QmSB-4Q.jpg large

🎤 I want to be where the shiny things are, I wanna see, wanna see them…melted down into finger armor 🎤

She gives a truly horrifying delicate chuckle at her shiny things, then flashes her possessed goo eyes at Dolls, which are a little bit leaky this time. Dolls is like, “OH, SHIT,” and lets out a truly, truly amazing shout. Like, one of my top five moments of this episode. And then it’s over and HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Monica’s Random Points of Randomness:

  • This episode starts out with that amazeballs cheerleader scene but the great thing about it is there’s SO MUCH OTHER STUFF. It reminds me of Once More with Feeling — “oh, it’s a musical episode.” Yes, but also it advanced roughly 37 individual plot points. Don’t discount the seriousness and importance because of something inherently kind of silly.
  • Yeah, Nicole. It really is everybody’s thing. Oof.
  • “Go, Devils!” Yes, devils. Go. Out of Waverly.
  • When Nicole and Waverly are “on” and together and in sync, it really is such a sweet, pure relationship.
  • I feel bad for Wynonna, Nicole, and Waverly that Wyn walked in on them. How embarrassing for everyone, and a bit drafty for Waves.
  • Waverley’s adorkable finger guns following her super-sexy dance cheer for her girlfriend really speak to her range as a character. So, so gorgeous but also such a giant dork. And that is why we love her.
  • This shows has reminded me of Buffy since the beginning, but this is the most Buffy-like non-Buffy episode of anything I’ve seen. High school as hell? Sounds familiar. Redheaded brainy queer lady? Check. Evil sweetheart? Got it. Kickass female protagonist? Done and done. Handsome man-candy sidekicks? They’re better than Xander and Riley Finn (barf), but this show definitely has them.
  • Not enough shows reference Grey Gardens.
  • It’s so nice to see someone else care about Wynonna. Her and Mercedes’ relationship, though definitely fucked up, is based on mutual love and support. Or something.
  • Wynonna, do not insult Rosita’s intelligence just because you can see the tops of her breasts. You are the last person who should be judging someone’s intelligence based on their appearance and how they dress. Example 1 — the mirror. Example 2 — Baby Girl.
  • It’s nice to see Wynonna supporting someone other than Waverly. Mercedes seems like a good friend — or at least the best kind of friend Wynonna is able to have.
  • That Earp sister talk in front of the high school was great. It wasn’t all sappy or happy, but it felt so…real. Wynonna’s seen how much her baby sister has grown even in the past few months, and she doesn’t want to see her throw it away, even if it is for a smart one. Obviously, she’s not privy to all of the insider info we are and doesn’t realize that’s not the biggest issue Waverly is facing. But she’s just looking out for her sister, who’s basically dating a stranger.
  • Also, Nicole wants Waverly to be the Earpiest Earp, but Wynonna is so scared of losing her sister, she doesn’t even want to give her a chance. It makes sense. Wynonna is as broken as they come, and her number-one priority is Waverly.
  • There are so many levels to the WayHaught gym scene. Waverly is just so excited and happy to be with such an amazing person, she wants everyone to know. But let’s not forget that despite her vast knowledge, degrees, and demon possession, she’s very, very young. Her last LTR was Champ Hardy, who probably didn’t think there was an inappropriate time or place for anything. She’s never dated an adult. Where Waverly is just being young and fun and playful, to Nicole, it feels like one more insult to her stupid job of writing stupid parking tickets and not catching stupid demons.
  • No self-respecting lesbian OR unicorn would ever use the term “sports yelling.”
  • Wonder if it was Tucker flying that drone over the dance studio last week.
  • “Boys will be boys”? I realize Nedley was just saying this for effect, but come the fuck on. The fact that so many people still think this is valid, along with other great phrases like “locker-room talk” really gets me in the B-train. You’re taking all of the responsibility away from these young (and old) men who should know/learn how to act better! Like Nicole’s as-yet-officially-unnamed cat, I am not a huge fan of men (mostly romantically, but I’m not a big fan of swagger, which is a stereotypical male personality trait), but taking away their responsibility in being who they are is not doing anyone any favors.
  • There were so many good lines packed into the 30-second Tucker/Beth/Nedley/Nicole scene. I love that he calls her a nasty woman (like it’s an insult) and Beth’s “I know, baby” definitely gives off a different vibe than the same line from last season.
  • Wynonna asking Waves to cover her filled me with such joy. Also, Waverly’s shotgun.
  • “We all make deals we regret.” Poor Doc. But bright side, you get to be besties with Jeremy!
  • Tucker telling Waverly she and Nicole together would “just be wrong” seems, on its surface, to be homophobic, but I imagine there’s something else there. Perhaps some or both parts of WayHaught are supernatural (even more than we know about), and Tucker can sense it…or is responsible for it.
  • When she’s not making out with her girlfriend in her boss’s office, Nicole is such a good cop.
  • Was “mermaid poltergeist” a reference to the barber Revenant?
  • Definitely here for the Haught/Nedley spinoff, “Haught and Randy.”
  • What if the creatures in black are tied to Tucker and they attack Mercedes at his command?
  • That last scene with Wynonna and Waverly reminds us what a sweet, pure character Waverly is underneath all the goo. I miss her.
  • Dom’s singing voice is so great. 1,486th plea for a musical episode. Maybe Amber Benson could play a Revenant? Black Badge leader? Nicole’s ex?

Favorite lines:

  • Waverly: I didn’t know if that was your thing. Nicole: Uh, baby, that’s everybody’s thing.  
  • Waverly: Come on, boys, from here to there. Wynonna: Girl, put on some underwear. 
  • Waverly: You’ve polished the shaft hard enough. Wynonna: You so rarely hear that.
  • Perry: We were teenagers, playing a game. Ten freaking years ago. Wynonna: Yeah, well, this town has trouble letting go of the past.
  • Wynonna: Calm down, Flaming Ladybug.
  • Waverly: When you stop dating psychos, then you can give me relationship advice.
  • Nedley: Not gonna win cop of the year, mind you, with that public display of gal-pal-itis.
  • Nicole: Sorry, did I hit my head and wake up in patriarchal bullshit land?
  • Wynonna: I’m Wynonna Earp, demon detective.
  • Doc: We all make deals we regret.
  • Wynonna: We’ll split up, find the other two hockey bros and bring them in to BBD.
    Lure the Marzipan there, and I’ll shoot it before anyone else can perform back-alley surgery on themselves.
  • Nicole: I am a Purgatory Sheriff’s Deputy, and if you think you can come in here, in my office, and mess with one of my citizens, you are underestimating the day I’ve had!

Least favorite line

  •  Nicole: Not in uniform, okay? Not in public. Waverly: Not good enough.

Monica’s Insane Theory of the Week:

It seems like last week’s insane theory was pretty on point, what with the shiny-stuff stealing, and I kind of want to abandon this corner with a 50% success rate. Whatever Waverly’s possessed with, it’s tied to the metal-armor dynamite-loving faceless finger demons from 2×01, and when she’s in a goo-time-out, she doesn’t seem to remember what she does. But the possession affects non-goo Waves, because it’s — well, it seems to be making her bolder, more in charge, more aggressive, especially when it comes to the physical aspects of her romantic relationship. Which is definitely all of the good, except when you’ve become hard and you were always known for being soft. My insane theory this week? This storyline is going to break my heart, because Nicole just wants to love her girl, and bit by bit, she’s becoming not her girl anymore.

See you next week, Earpers. And remember — if you see any faceless women wearing finger armor, run the other way!

Wynonna Earp 2×01, AKA The One with the Valkyrie in Her Underwear

So, despite my nonexistent track record with recaps, I’m attempting to write about each episode of Wynonna Earp for this here blog. They’ll be unnecessarily detailed, chock-full of random pop-culture references, and replete with screenshots and snark. They’ll take me way too long to write, and I have no idea if anyone will find them entertaining but me. But I like them, so I’m writing them. Hope you enjoy!

Welcome to the first post in my new series, Monica’s Unnecessarily Long and Detailed TV Recaps! My promise to you by the end of the season is that they will get better.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Emily Andras blew our minds, Melanie Scrofano made all of the faces and gave us all of the feels, Tim Rozon and Shamier Anderson made all of the queer ladies question their sexuality, and Kat Barrell and Dominique Provost-Chalkley made us realize that we do, in fact, like the ladies and created a couple that made us willing to trust a show again in the process.

WE is back with a vengeance, and yours truly was lucky enough to finagle an early shift to watch it and live-tweet its premiere. I’ve made the questionable decision to recap/review/shout about each episode after it airs. Grab your whiskey, procure your doughnut, and make a salt circle for protection, Earpers, because here we go.

Many thanks to the writers for only making us wait about 3.7 seconds to realize Waverly didn’t shoot Doc or her remaining sister. I mean, we’d all seen the season’s footage and an educated guess would tell you that you couldn’t shoot Doc freaking Holliday and then do a sexy cheerleader dance (complete with sexy-yet-dorky finger guns) for your GIRLFRIEND, but still, good to know it was a Random Creature and not Sweet Baby Waves taking a page from either of her sister’s books and turning the gun on her family.

Waves and Doc run, Wynonna shows up and saves the day, then uses Peacemaker to dispatch Random Creature.
“Isn’t he gonna go poof?” “Mm, I guess these guys don’t.”

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Fan Expo 2016

Guys. I have all of the feelings about all of the things.

I had casually mentioned to Chris that it might be fun to go to Fan Expo on Labor Day weekend. Mark Hamill would be there, Gillian Anderson, and, you know, an entire convention of cool nerdy stuff that we liked. A few weeks ago, though, it was announced that the Wynonna Earp cast would be doing a panel and autograph signing/photo op. My attitude quickly changed from “we probably shouldn’t spend the money” to “CAN WE PLEASE GO, HONEY?!” As anyone who has read this blog before knows, I have the greatest wife, and she agreed. Hotels were ridiculous, so she found us a cute Airbnb that ended up being about a $10 Canadian Uber ride from downtown.

I made some new friends on Twitter and was looking forward to meeting them in person, because if it’s one thing I excel at, it’s being friends with people I’ve never actually met.

That probably tells you something about my personality.

We left work early on Friday, and spent what felt like 17 hours driving there, but it was only 8. It should have been about five, but, you know, whatever. Holiday traffic. Also, Ruby Tuesday salad bar!

We settled in, had a glass of wine — well, like 1/4 glass because I’m a lightweight — and went to sleep. In true Monica form, I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm went off — 6:45am — because I was excited! We got ready, I realized I had the location wrong in my head — so many thanks to Chris for saving us at the last minute on that one — Uber’d downtown, grabbed breakfast, and headed to the convention center.



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