So, despite my nonexistent track record with recaps, I’m attempting to write about each episode of Wynonna Earp for this here blog. They’ll be unnecessarily detailed, chock-full of random pop-culture references, and replete with screenshots and snark. They’ll take me way too long to write, and I have no idea if anyone will find them entertaining but me. But I like them, so I’m writing them. Hope you enjoy!

Welcome to the first post in my new series, Monica’s Unnecessarily Long and Detailed TV Recaps! My promise to you by the end of the season is that they will get better.

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Emily Andras blew our minds, Melanie Scrofano made all of the faces and gave us all of the feels, Tim Rozon and Shamier Anderson made all of the queer ladies question their sexuality, and Kat Barrell and Dominique Provost-Chalkley made us realize that we do, in fact, like the ladies and created a couple that made us willing to trust a show again in the process.

WE is back with a vengeance, and yours truly was lucky enough to finagle an early shift to watch it and live-tweet its premiere. I’ve made the questionable decision to recap/review/shout about each episode after it airs. Grab your whiskey, procure your doughnut, and make a salt circle for protection, Earpers, because here we go.

Many thanks to the writers for only making us wait about 3.7 seconds to realize Waverly didn’t shoot Doc or her remaining sister. I mean, we’d all seen the season’s footage and an educated guess would tell you that you couldn’t shoot Doc freaking Holliday and then do a sexy cheerleader dance (complete with sexy-yet-dorky finger guns) for your GIRLFRIEND, but still, good to know it was a Random Creature and not Sweet Baby Waves taking a page from either of her sister’s books and turning the gun on her family.

Waves and Doc run, Wynonna shows up and saves the day, then uses Peacemaker to dispatch Random Creature.

“Isn’t he gonna go poof?” “Mm, I guess these guys don’t.”

Wynonna realizes this handsome devil is her ticket to saving Dolls, and these sexy beasts ride again. Or walk, I guess. Casually stroll? Doubt they can all fit on the motorcycle.

I KNOW HER! I mean, I met her. We aren’t like BFFs or anything, probably. It’s fine. No, not the actress. The writer. I know. I’m amazing.

Black Badge’s Cleaning Service wiped the office clean, and then Wynonna tries to track down where Dolls sleeps — if that’s a thing he does — and definitely doesn’t pick the lock with dental instruments.

These look pretty good for probably having spent 100-plus years in a well in the vest pocket of a handsome man with character.

Then Wynonna fights Eliza, AKA Rachel Skarsten, AKA Tamsin, AKA everyone’s Valkyrie from Lost Girl. She’s in her underwear while they fight because why not? If I looked like that, I’d never put on pants. This scene was amazing. Awesome. Perfect. It’s the hottest fight scene I’ve ever seen between a gun and a towel. Eliza and Wynonna’s chemistry is fucking amazing from the first minute, and it only grows the more time they spend around each other. These kids could have had something…if (spoiler alert for 35 minutes later) our Valkyrie hadn’t died in her second SyFy show. Stay away from the others, Rachel! Killjoys might kill you!

The ladies come to what can only be described as “a sexy, confusing understanding,” and then we move to our resident squishy-feelings couple, Waverly and Nicole. Waves is doing some healing that she quickly tries to switch to the sexual variety.

But not before she uses some coconut oil on her gal pal, just like her big sister taught her. Just don’t start referring to yourself in third person as “a gay” or using a bedpan, Waverly, and we’ll be good.

Alas, things stay PG13 since Nicole is still more than a little bit bruised, what with Coconut Oil herself shooting her in the vest.  But sexy kissing times make Nicole think that her lady tastes “different,” so I guess the one thing we know about the goo is that it doesn’t taste like sunshine and rainbows, which is what I assume Season 1 Waverly tasted like.

I assume goo is the worst taste in the world, so…black licorice? Maybe with a cilantro garnish?

After discovering Dolls isn’t going to jail but rather something called “Black Rock” (which is probably horrible), Tamsin and Wynonna make a plan to break him out of whatever abandoned factory he’s in. Why are there always so many abandoned factories? Everyone meets Tamsin, Wynonna does math, and Nicole definitely doesn’t sound defensive and that she feels like she doesn’t belong.

I’m a dangerous agent! Look at my outfit!

And then we get some of the real love story of this show — the Earp sisters. Waverly and Wynonna are worried about each other but each insists she’s okay. This is a lie.

“Don’t deflect,” says Waverly, deflecting. Also, it looks like the homestead has some structural damage, or maybe a leak. Or is perhaps the scene of a horrific murder. Wait. In that corner, I mean. Another murder.

The Earp sisters are the heart of this show. I’m hesitant to say the soul, because I’m not sure how many souls they currently have between them.

Oblivious Wynonna becomes a little less oblivious about Dolls’ superpowers, and she, Doc, and Tamsin break into the bread factory with great disguises. It only works because it covers up the hair porn.

Finally, a Wynonna I can cosplay!

The Valkyrie disables the security or something, she and Doc flirt like a motherfucker, and so do she and Wynonna. #FavoriteThrouple #DocValkyNonna Waverly and Nicole gear up as Plan B, and Nicole proves she’s The World’s Most Amazing Girlfriend because despite the rotting corpse and shit-ton of weapons surrounding them, she’s mostly worried about how Waverly’s doing. (Spoiler alert — she’s not doing great.) Then it looks like Waverly cuts Nicole’s head off with an axe, like you do when you’re 17% black goo, prompting my favorite tweet of the night.

This is why we #Fandras.

Happily, WayHaught split apart by an axe was, like Communism, a red herring. Our girls are okay — well, as okay as they can be — and, once again, Nicole lets us know she knows that Waverly is not…herself. But it’s okay, because Waverly doesn’t know that we know that Nicole knows!

Meanwhile, at the bread factory, Eliza’s security clearance has been revoked and #DocValkyNonna is in some deep goo. Luckily, Waverly gives the Full Middleton and is here to save the day with her awful British accent. Cut to Lucado and Dolls, where we find out he left her husband behind in Kandahar, hence the disdain. Dolls tries to confuse her with the facts — husband Greg was dying — but she is Purgatory-bent on revenge, so our throuple is thrucked. Also, Tamsin is a Dolls-type lizard-or-whatever creature, courtesy of Black Badge.

Waverly finds the laboratory, filled with random creatures. Her curious nature and probable possession make her poke around, and she charms new guy Jeremy into showing her how to open all of the doors, freeing the throuple. Throoray! But she makes him bleed and also accidentally releases the creatures. It’s cool, though, because Waverly black-eye-glamours the soul-sucker and saves everyone’s asses (again). And looks damn fine while doing it.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybel– DEMON POSSESSION.

Doc locks ValkyNonna out, leaving to rescue Dolls on his own. And if Dolls needs to be put down, like Plucky, he’ll be the one to do it, not Wynonna.

Am I really gay? What are feelings? Does my mustache look this good?

ValkyNonna go to the lab to rescue Baby Girl, and the only thing better than these two fighting each other is them fighting together. Then, Lucado insults Doc’s mustache, which is the Purgatory equivalent of stepping on a Terrible Towel, because he’s armed to the ‘stache with enough dynamite to obliterate all of the Abandoned Factories within a half-mile radius, probably. I don’t know. Geography is hard. Then the crazy chick with a gun shows up, saving the day. Again.

Lucado tries to kill Wynonna, Waverly, and Jeremy, but they’re saved by Black Badge’s own, um…DefinitelyNotArtBell, Doc Holliday soon to follow. “The gang’s all here!” NotArt proclaims, and everyone quickly agrees, while Nicole sits silently fuming in the getaway car. NotArt reminds them the revenants are the least of their worries, what with all of the new beasties in Purgatory.

Don’t look now, Wynonna, but there’s one right behind you.

“Don’t sign anything. They’re liars!” says Tamsin. *NotArt shoots Tamsin, everyone signs old-ass paper in blood* Sigh. Well, that probably won’t end well. Don’t say she didn’t warn you. Bright side — Nicole didn’t sign, so maybe she’s safe. Dim side — Nicole didn’t sign, causing her to feel further alienated from her girlfriend, her friends, Black Badge, and basically her entire world. She finally learns the truth about Purgatory and Dolls finally deputizes her and now…back to traffic tickets.

No longer in like Flynn. This face breaks my tiny gay heart. So long, Haughtpants. And the getaway car.

“That’s how it’s always been done,” NotArt says, cluing us in that maybe Black Badge isn’t what we thought it was. Then he offers to help Wynonna break the Earp curse if she plays ball, but I don’t understand what Purgatory’s softball league has to do with anything.

Our heroes make it back to the homestead on foot, I assume, leading this viewer to wonder, “How the fuck did Waverly make it back all that way in those heels?” Wynonna invites Doc to for some shower fun, and he leaves her, the memory of her kissing Dolls still in his hatless brain. Leaving Wynonna…alone.

Nicole is there, and the betrayal, hurt, and sadness is written all over her face. She feels awful about leaving, then even more awful when Waverly says she wanted her to leave. Now she has to head back to her boring normal job, while her girlfriend is tied to a secret demonic organization by a blood oath. Probably lots of paperwork for both, though, to be honest. Nicole dodges Waverly’s kiss, taking WayHaught to WayNot. WayBlerg.

How…why…how… Three excellent questions.

Wynonna enters her (presumed) dead (again) sister’s room, sitting on her bed and sobbing while holding one of the few stuffed animals Willa didn’t mutilate. Hope those boots are clean, Nonna.

She’s distracted by a flash of light, which turns out to be her necklace sending a signal like a homing beacon, courtesy of Dolls. FUCK. YES. Then Dolls scurries away runs off, and Wynonna finds Waverly on the porch with some hot coffee (or rum, maybe), and they about demons, like you do. Then Wynonna calls Waverly “Earp,” and my heart swelled along with the music.

Also, remember that dynamite? So did some rando creature (with some epic finger armor, so probably not a lesbian) in a box, who found the trash that Doc left behind, and now everything is boom. All that abandoned bread lost!

And no one knows what happens next week, except not cheerleaders because they showed the wrong promo. Whoops!

Monica’s Random Bullet Points of Randomness:

• I realized as I was watching this that my lesbian PTSD wasn’t kicking in for a reason, and it’s because of the queer ladies’ characterization. Specifically, they are amazing, fleshed-out, dynamic characters who also happen to be queer; not queer characters who also do other stuff. You know, LIKE IN REAL LIFE.
• Ugh, this theme song is so good. Do you think Jill Andrews woke up and thought, “I’m gonna write a song that will be perfect for the best show on TV right now”? Yeah, probably.
• Kate Drummond’s Agent Lucado is icy perfection, and I love that we got more back story with her and Dolls. Also, no one has rocked shoulder pads this well since Dr. Marlena Evans-Craig-Brady-Black-Black.
• What is the goo? Is it The Old One, whatever the fuck that is? Random tentacle monster, who I’ve decided to call “Aunt Debbie”? What’s left of Willa’s soul? The stuff they throw out at Starbucks at closing time? ANSWERS, DAMN IT.
• One of the things I love about this show is how even the tertiary characters have layers; specifically, Randy Nedley. His journey from stereotypical jackass small-town cop in 1×01 to cat-minding father-figure boss in 1×08 to LGBT supporter in episode 1×12 to mug-stealing(!) fan of Uma Thurman in 2×01 is awesome.
• Speaking of Nicole’s cat, we get another mention of her, proving that, once again, Emily Andras smashes tropes left and right and doesn’t bury this pussy. What? What?
• Doc being a gentleman is amazing. I love you, Doc. My feelings about you confuse me.
• Wynonna should know what’s worse than dead. She sees examples of it every day.
• WAVERLY SAYING NICOLE IS HER GIRLFRIEND IS EVERYTHING. And so is the look on both of their faces.
• Love that New Guy seems more charmed by the science and the tech and less interested in Dark Cinnamon Bun, which I personally thought physically impossible. Interested to see what manages to distract him. Maybe Nedley. Gus? The motorcycle? SUPERVILLAIN CHRISSY NEDLEY? Champ’s Champ Stamp?
• Nice that Doc is slowly learning technology, as evidenced by his absolute command of keycard readers and big red buttons.
• Apparently, anti-lizard meds can be dosed through the eyeball, like all good medicine.
• What is Waverly’s self-knowledge here? Does she know she’s possessed (or whatever)? Or does she lose control and black out when maybe-Aunt-Debbie takes control?
• I love Doc’s hat-tips-without-a-hat. Maybe he’ll branch out in hats for next episode. Perhaps pillbox? Deerstalker? Trucker hat that says “Top Shelf”?

Special shout-out to one of the newest fan accounts, @HaughtUnderboob, pictured above. You’re a gentlewoman and a scholar. You’ll never replace @NedleysOffice in my heart, but there’s always room for more.

Favorite lines:

• Doc: My hat! He’s eatin’ my hat! Waverly: ‘Cause that’s the takeaway here. Move!
• Wynonna: Real slow, or else I call the cops. Also, I am the cops. Kinda. Well, technically, I’m… [ Cocks gun ]
• Wynonna: Joke’s on you, bitch. Gun only works for me.
• Waverly: Dolls has a friend? Oh…a “friend.” Doc: Well, mercy me. How complicated.
• Wynonna: [ To Waverly ] Listen, I need you to be okay. *cue Earper sobbing*
• Security guard: Christ, you smell like shit rolled in shit.
• Eliza: There’s lots more where that came from, Tex. Doc: I’m from Georgia, ma’am. Wynonna: Your head looks naked.
• Waverly: Toodles! Nicole: Toodles, really? Waverly: It just slipped out! Nicole: Waverly, that is the worst British accent I’ve ever heard.
• Waverly: Plan B here, good for eliminating all unwanted problems quickly. Uh, yeah, okay, now, that was inappropriate.
• Waverly: I’m British, not elderly.
• Doc: How do you like my mustache now? [ Author’s note — I like it very much. ]
• Wynonna: Plan B, when you don’t have a choice and you’ve got to get rid of — Yeah, I hear it now. Waverly: Right?
• Doc: I highly doubt those were the good guys.
• Doc: I finally got some dynamite and didn’t get to use it.
• Wynonna: I only really have one job now — keeping my baby sister safe.Least-favorite line:
• Wynonna: I’d settle for a smoothie and one sad stripper. Here’s the thing — this is actually a great line, one I missed on my initial watch. But it took me so long to get that second screen shot, I heard it about 28 times, so…

Monica’s Insane Theory:

Waverly is possessed by Willa. She flinches and goes dark when BoBo is mentioned, when she wants to talk to Wynonna she goes to Willa’s room, she’s hella bitchy, which is on brand. She feels stronger, more sexual, more confident, all a possible side effect of a shot of Vitamin Eve.

Monica’s final thought:

Holy shit, I can’t believe you made it this far. Thanks for reading! Or you skipped to the end. Either way, I appreciate it. Oh, my thoughts on this episode? It was amazing and crazy and funny and heartbreaking and basically everything I’ve come to expect from Evelyn Andrews Emily Andras and company. Any two characters together are magical, and I can’t wait to see what the season holds. See you next week!

Also, if you haven’t checked it out yet, look at the most recent BTS video from Allison Baker at IDW titled “The Road Less Traveled.” Yours truly makes an appearance with some friends for approximately two seconds, and it was the highlight of my week. Be sure to check out the top-shelf closed-captioning!

Accurate. Earper for life.