I hope to someday get back to my full Unnecessarily Long Recaps, but I think that will be in between seasons. So yay — something for all of us to look forward to! For now, I hope you enjoy these extended Random Thoughts of Randomness and other assorted things.

Guys. GUYS. I’m not gonna lie, this episode gave me a lot of feelings. I technically watch alone (my wife is usually here, but she doesn’t watch the show), so my reactions are usually pretty tame with no one to interact with, other than on Twitter. But this week, I shouted at the TV a few times, AND I threw my phone. Twice. So grab your champagne and your mac and cheese, practice with your sexy fighting sticks, and don’t forget to shoot your creepy doll in the face. Let’s go!

Oh, one other thing — don’t forget to grab your compassion, and while you’re at it, make sure you have some understanding that people are beautiful and terrible and flawed and amazing. People make mistakes and do stupid things, and they shouldn’t necessarily be persecuted for one tiny thing they did in the context of their entire life. So if you’re reading this and expect the phrase “I can’t believe Waverly cheated on Nicole,” well, you’re in the wrong place. I recommend finding another recap, because this one will just make you mad.

Monica’s Random Thoughts of Randomness:

• Previously on Wynonna Earp, Doc wants to protect Rosita but seems to think the best way to do that is with his penis, the Widows Widowed up Purgatory something fierce, and Nicole found out the truth about Waverly’s lineage but kept it from her. Whoops.
• Melanie and Dom in that training montage? Epic. Both so amazing. Hilarious, technically impressive, fun to watch, and also hella sexy. Favorite parts — Waves’ CrossFit shirt (proof that CrossFit gyms are literally everywhere, including Purgatory) that I’m sure made EarperView subject Michelle scream inside, the baby high five (super cute and believable, but also a sign that Wynonna is dealing better with having a tiny human inside her), Waverly admitting she doesn’t hate Nicole and that they just had a fight, the belivabiity of the heir beating her baby sister, despite pregnancy and Baby Girl’s…obviously impressive training regimen, the absolutely adorable baby-bump apology, and the way Wynonna cackles as she taps Waverly on the butt with the Sexy Stick.
• Also, every good training montage deserves a picture collage, I always say.
  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  
• Waverly’s amazement that Constance was Sister Wife to the Widows, just because she was a snappy dresser.
• Interesting choice that Wynonna and Dolls decide not to tell Waverly about the third seal. We all know how Waverly reacts when people keep things from her to protect her. Or maybe it’s because of Waves’ history of not being able to keep things from Doc. Wonder if there will be consequences from this.
• This is also my wife’s face when I say “just the tip.”
• The Earp sisters’ relationship with decorative pillows has grown over two seasons, and I’m here for it.
• “With great belly comes great responsibility” is one of those lines that could have been totally cheesy, but with Melanie’s delivery, it was…perfect.
• I have a hard time believing a store would have both antiques and whiskey, so I wonder if something was altered to get Doc inside. Also, where is Doc, exactly, that he wouldn’t just have a whiskey in his own damn bar?
• Nice bit of foreshadowing to have Beau Smith looking at a doll before Doc comes in.
• Confusingly, the demon replacement shopkeeper reminded me of…Doc on Buffy. Wonder if this is the last we’ll see of him.
• Forever Eternity is an interesting name for a spa that a Revenant and a…possible also something supernatural go to to relax, huh?
• Do we think Dolls knows Rosie is a Revenant? Yeah, he totally does.
• Dolls is so proud of the included 30% off coupon. Also, giving it with “If you can please take the goddamn gift card.” This just in — I am Dolls.
• The interplay with Rosita and Wynonna is perfect — just the right amount of friendly teasing plus awkwardness.
• Let’s have a moment for Melanie Scrofano’s gestures, since this one where she points to her butt as a possibility for a birthing location absolutely killed me. 
• “I’ll be in my truck.” Since when is it yours, Wynonna? Is Gus dead, too, and no one told us? Also, this is very different from “I’ll be in my bunk,” even though it sounds very similar…
• Yeah, the thing between Doc and Rosie may be casual, but totally believable that she would be a little hurt at seeing him walk off for the night with his baby mama.
• I’m pretty sure that Wynonna didn’t tell Jeremy that she was having dinner with Doc, and yet, he knew. More fodder for my thought that Jeremy is some sort of seer.
• Nicole screwed up and hurt Waverly and definitely did a lot of things wrong, but…this look? This look hurts my bones. 
• If that body wasn’t Tucker’s, whose was it? Who hitchhikes in Purgatory?
• Waverly’s scarf is like a step and a half below a Lenny Kravitz. (Don’t know what I mean? Google it.) Also, her scarf game is mighty. This is a different one from last season. Still trying to convince the wife to crochet one.
• It’s weird, but it’s annoying to me that Nicole doesn’t push the hair behind her ears when she wears her hat because that’s what I do. (I mean, not right now, because I have very little hair. But you know what I mean.)
• Widow!Beth is way more stylish than Actual!Beth, which is weird to me. She’s been living in a box for over a hundred years! There’s no way she had access to Buzzfeed articles about what is hip.
• WIDOW!BETH IS ALSO A BITCH! Flirting with Waverly after her “brother” just “died,” probably just to mess with Nicole. Subtly referring to their relationship as deviant. The dismissive way she hands Nicole her coffee.
• Nicole explaining why she was so upset with Tucker — that he wanted Waverly to be his victim — shows the depth of Nicole’s feelings. Fight or not, Waves is her best baby.
• Waverly telling Nicole she’d never tell her what to think or feel gave me some thoughts.
  • Throwback to “I would never ask you to be someone you’re not.”
  • Also reminded me of Willow/Tara and Willow’s mind-altering.
• EverChangingPicture is hella creepy.
  

  

  

  
• Did Wynonna make Doc hot dogs mixed with and mac & cheese? If so, finally something I have in common with the title character of my favorite show, as this was a staple in my lesbian youth. 
• OMG, THE CHEESE IN DOC’S MUSTACHE AFTER HE EATS IT.
• I love ketchup, but I can’t do it on mac & cheese. Or eggs. But everything else…Heinz me up!
• “Who buys one maraca?” and “Oh, God, it’s gonna have hands” are simple-but-terrific lines.
• Doc would make such a great father.
• Waverly’s urge to get away just for one night is so relatable. Like the night before they faced The First, basically everyone in Buffy’s house got naked together.
• “It’s your ring.” Cue cabinet door popping open. CREEPY.
• It’s understandable that Doc doesn’t want to give up his immortality, just as it’s understandable that Wynonna wants to protect everyone and take her best shot at breaking the curse. Like Emily said in the BTS video, it’s an interesting argument to watch when both sides are right. Also, heartbreaking. Big shocker there, dream killer.
• HOLY SHIT, THIS SPA LOOKS EPIC.
• Still don’t see Waverly’s scar. #ScarWatch2017
• Adorable that Waves got Rosie ALL OF THE WATERS.
• Yeah, Waves says being in the hot tub is weird because “what if the Widows come back?” Sure, but that’s not it. You ever have the sneaking feeling that you’re doing something that you maybe shouldn’t be, but you decide to do it anyway? Because fuck it, you’re having fun? Yeah, me too. (For me, it was attending a party thrown by a girl I had a crush on, even though I was in a committed relationship with someone else. Nothing happened, but I still decided to put myself in that position. And part of me wanted something to happen. She never would have, though, because…relationship. She’s a pretty noble lady. I should know. We are now married.)
• I think part of the attraction to Rosita — not even sexual attraction, because that needs no explanation — is that she’s someone…new. She calls Waverly “cute but annoying,” and she has no other agenda other than getting to know her. She’s not her sister, and she’s not in love with her. That fresh slate? It’s pretty appealing.
• A super hot lady, telling you to take care of yourself and explaining science? Damn, writers. You hit my sweet spot.
• So are Smartwater and Reebok both official sponsors of this show? Because if so, I’m gonna go out and buy some of both.
• Doc telling Wynonna he swore to protect the Earps “the moment he laid eyes on [her]”? Okay, Evelyn. Cool. Just rip my heart out with a spoon. HOW DO YOU CHOOSE A SIDE?!
• Doc and Wynonna are truthing some harsh truths there. I feel bad for both of them, of course, because we can’t have nice feelings anymore.
• Tim Rozon reminded me so much of Pittsburgh Dad with this “I guess they just walked off on their own” line, which is a reference that I think exactly one of you will get (I’m looking at you, VP), but that doesn’t make it any less true.
• Jeremy gives Waverly a run for her money for “most adorkable dork in Purgatory.”
• Dolls giving Rosie a gift card, of all things, so he can sneak in and steal the formula? TALK ABOUT A DRAGON CON, AMIRITE?! (I’ll see myself out.)
• Doc and Wynonna, you’re still breaking my heart. Didn’t both Elton John and Kiki Dee tell you not to do that?
• Pregnant, not helpless. Louder for those in the back!
• The Earp sisters’ feelings about decorative pillows are plentiful and layered, much like the pillows themselves.
• So, Rosie’s level of education was pretty much the “she’s got to be supernatural” nail in the coffin for me.
• Rosie is definitely team WayHaught.
• It makes sense to me that Waverly would send the text to Nicole and then immediately feel bad about it. She’s in a hot tub with a hot older (much, much older, it turns out) woman who makes a comment about her having backbone. She’s showing off. Trying to be cool. And…immediately realizes she made a mistake, and that maybe her best baby was right in trying to protect her. It’s almost like…relationships are hard, things aren’t black and white, and sometimes people make stupid decisions. (PUT A PIN IN THAT, GUYS, BECAUSE WE’LL CIRCLE BACK VERY SOON.)
• Obviously Waves is attracted to Rosita. Not saying Nicole isn’t hella smart, because she is, but not on the same level. At all. And that’s sexy. And so is someone who has zero expectations of you who is making you feel good about yourself.
• Okay, so then Waverly kisses Rosie, who kisses her right back. I have a lot of feelings about this, and I’ll try to keep them brief. First, Waverly MADE A FUCKING MISTAKE. Please see two points up for reference. I won’t rehash that. She was vulnerable, upset, and in a sexy, sexy hot tub, and she kissed one of the hottest, smartest, most supportive women she’s ever seen, because she (presumably) found out she isn’t an Earp and her girlfriend — her rock — lied to her. Dumbass move, especially for someone so smart? Absolutely. Cheating? No, not to me. Human. Mistake. Move. The fuck. On.
• Also, Rosita definitely kissed her back, then said she was with Doc. If you’re saying it’s cheating, remember that it takes two people.
• And the shouts of “Nicole didn’t deserve this”? Well, nothing happened, really, other than a mistake. Sometimes mistakes happen that no one did to deserve. Also…Nicole lied to Waverly. So…she’s not without blame of mistakes in their relationship.
• Tucker is absolutely terrifying — mostly because the likelihood of meeting a Revenant is low, but the possibility of being attacked by someone like him? Much higher — but it’s hard to take him seriously with his frostbite nose.
• No mental hugs when Dolls is in commando mode. Got it.
• Love that Doc called Peacemaker an “adorable magic gun.”
• “Giant cheeseburger with a mini cheeseburger inside” — now I want a cheeseburger. No processed foods in eight days for me! Yay…
• The threat of Tucker is just…so much more real and more terrifying than, you know, hungry, non-Bo succubi and Revenants. It’s like when people tell me they’re scared to travel to another country, and I explain how I’m more nervous to use a public bathroom in Raleigh than I am to fly to France. That actual threat is more terrifying than the possibility of an unlikely one.
• I’m no Kate Leth, but let’s talk about Tucker’s outfit for a moment. He’s wearing…like a Boy Scout shirt and a blue version of Bobo’s pants from last week. Bold fashion statement. And talk about a button nose…
• On top of everything else, Tucker’s utter disregard for the well-being of his actual sisters is chilling.
• Yo, Dolls, Mercedes has no ears.
• Tucker throwing shade about Waverly’s hemlines reminds me of every single fucking snarky comment someone has made about how I dress. If I could have crawled through the TV and busted him over the head myself, I would have.
• “If a girl wants to flash some thigh, ain’t no one’s business but her own.” Ah, Rosita. Another open-minded hundred-plus-year old. Nice.
• I don’t think I’ve given enough love to Dani Kind thus far. She’s as believable and entertaining as OriginalRecipe!Mercedes as she is as Widow!Mercedes. Seriously, a joy to watch.
• Nice job in creating a creepy villain, Evelyn and company. Not on the same level as Hush, mind you, but it’s getting there.
• Ugh. Wynonna and Doc love each other so much in their own fucked-up little way. The demonic doll made them say nasty things, sure, but they still thought them…and still loved each other, despite all of it.
• And as soon as Wynonna reminded Doc that things were about their baby, well, once again, he was all-in.
• Oh, Doc is like this and Wynonna says “I do”? I’M FINE.
• I thought the picture catching on fire because the doll demon was sent to Hell by Peacemaker was super cool.
• Oh, just another reference to Waverly being an angel (and one from said angel about Nicole being a devil). Nothing to see here, I’m sure. *follows writers’ breadcrumbs aimlessly until I’m lost in the forest; joins Yiska’s cult*
• Not super sad that Widow!Beth snacked on creeptastic Tucker.
• Interesting choice that Widow!Mercedes called her sister wife “Beth,” the skin suit’s name.
• There sure is a lot of talk and action about rings this episode. I wonder if the reason Widow!Mercedes is drawn to Nicole has something to do with Nicole and her ring. (Spoiler alert — that is what my Insane Theory is about this week.)
• I am digging the Waverly/Rosita friendship. It just makes sense. The two smartest people in Purgatory being friends? Obviously. Also, so what if they kissed? That queer-lady stereotype about ladies remaining friends after they date is a stereotype for a reason, you know.
• And not telling Wynonna about Rosie? Very on brand with her character.
• And so is feeling absolutely awful about the way she treated her girlfriend.
• Presumably, it’s early, but Nicole sleeps in…a button down? I guess naked sleeps are reserved for vixen-y cuddle times.
• She looks so hopeful when she thinks it’s Waverly…and then not when she sees it’s stupid Widow!Mercedes! Damn it!
  

  

Monica’s Insane Theory of the Week:

Remember last week‘s ridiculous thought that Nicole is a half-Revenant? Do you also remember her ring that she wears? I think that somehow, Clootie moved the seal (because, remember, that’s a thing they can do) and swapped it out for the ring that’s currently on Nicole’s hand, which she inherited from her Revenant parent.

Monica’s Final Thoughts:

Hello again, friends. I just wanted to say a few things about WayHaught. First, I think it really speaks to the power of the show that the queer-lady relationship isn’t the storyline that I’m most invested in. Now, I love them together. I do. But if they were to break up, I’m certainly not going to throw my TV out the window and refuse to watch the show ever again. That’s not “blind faith” in a program. That’s a commitment to a show that is captivating in literally all of the ways, not just with a token couple. Unlike some other things that I’ve watched because it’s an okay show with a great queer couple, this is an amazing show that has so many wonderful relationships, one of which is like mine. I love the individual characters more than I love the relationship. I want to see them survive, but I wouldn’t feel betrayed if their relationship didn’t.

One of my favorite things about them in season 2 is how beautifully flawed they are. The first-season depictions, especially Nicole, were almost of characters too good to be true, and we see them both grow as people and as a couple. They both make mistakes — really, really big ones. An argument could be made that lying about your girlfriend’s DNA test is a bigger deal than drunkenly kissing (and then regretting) a buxom biochemist. But an argument could also be made that Nicole was just waiting until they got home, she opened it by accident, etc. We just don’t know…because the storyline isn’t over.

Judging from some of the comments I saw on the Twitter this weekend, some people…didn’t exactly agree with my perception of the shades of grey. Waverly cheated; Nicole didn’t deserve it. I do not share that opinion, but, you know, to each their own. The great thing about a fandom is that at its base, it isn’t a hive mind. We all have our own ideas, our own theories, our own favorites, etc. It’s wonderful. But do you know what isn’t great? Being a jagoff. There is room for everyone’s opinions, just so long as one of those opinions doesn’t attack someone else’s.

The characters on this show mean a lot to me, and I’m fiercely protective of them, so I get being upset. I do. But here’s the thing — they’re characters. The people you’re attacking online? They also mean a lot to me, and they’re people. Living, breathing humans who are doing their goddamn job, just like all of us. And that job is to create compelling television, which, in my opinion, they’re doing. Really well. I put my faith in Emily Andras to do right by me, and right by these characters. Do I have blind faith in her? I mean, I guess? Isn’t faith by its very nature blind? She’s never given me reason to doubt that she knows how to run a TV show. Who else should I put my faith in?

Friends, please try to remember that your words have consequences. Whether you agree with my opinions on storylines or not, please take this advice — do not attack real people because of something that happened with fictional characters, especially in a storyline that could be interpreted multiple ways and when said storyline that isn’t even close to being done. And especially people who have given us some of the most splendid representation we have seen on our TVs in, well, ever. The people involved with this show are our LGBTQ allies, and some of the best I’ve ever seen. I’m no Earper expert, but attacking people when we don’t get our way — trust me, that’s not how we are. That’s not what we want to be known for.

Also, just a random reminder that the fan accounts — the accounts for offices and body parts and weapons and dispatchers and such — all of those are run by fans. For our entertainment. Not by the show. Be nice to them. They’re run by some lovely, lovely people.

See you next time, friends. Stay classy. And take our beloved beaver overlord’s advice and “put your faith in love.”