Hello, friends. What a crazy couple of weeks it’s been! I intended to write this last Tuesday, and then I got stranded in Amsterdam for two extra days, blowing all of my carefully laid plans out of the water. Oh, well. At least I’m back on track, sort of, writing wise, even if I haven’t made it to Costco yet.

[ Editor’s note — Amsterdam was in November. Damn. No excuse. ]

But that’s neither here nor there. Grab your favorite father figure, your most appropriate shoulder-less funeral attire, and all of the gluten, and let’s go!

Monica’s Random Points of Randomness:

• Previously on WE, we learned only Peacemaker can kill Revenants, we’re reminded what a wienie Levi is, and we see how impossibly charming both Nicole and Doc can be, even though Doc’s motivations are…suspect.
• Wynonna mentioning Shorty’s heart issues is definitely not an indication that he’s going to die by the end. Nope.
• Love that Waverly conned Wynonna into moving all of her boxes, even though she’s obviously not busy at all.
• “You are awful forward for a girl in dungarees” is one of my favorite lines of this episode.
• Pictured: forward progress.
• Sorry, Doc. I don’t believe for one second that you have even attempted to find honest work.
• She looks so…young. Also, who are these other people? There are other people in Purgatory?
• Listen, I’m sorry for objectifying human beings, but holy shit, this man is beautiful, isn’t he?
• YEAH, HE IS.
• Wynonna says we can’t all settle down with our high-school sweethearts, then fidgets with a ring on her finger. Andrews and company have made me so suspicious that everything is a clue that I wonder if that ring is from an ex-beau of Wynonna’s. Probably that Norwegian death-metal guy. Hope we meet him in season 3.
• Oh, I’m sorry. “Met”?
• When Waverly tells Wynonna that she’s going to “dig it” in reference to her research is further proof that much of the reason I love Waverly is that she’s a giant, giant nerd. I have a TV type, and it’s personified by Waverly, Dr. Lauren Hot Pants, and Willow Rosenberg.
• Oh, The Big City. Your most distinctive characteristics are that you’re big but also a city!
• You’re telling me no one was side-eyeing those Revenants during this fancy time-capsule digging? I look clean and put together and I get stared at every single place I go. I call shenanigans.
• I think they could have moved through the crowd without pushing people. That’s just rude. And you’re drawing attention to yourself!
• Do you think he shops at the same leather-jacket store as Wynonna?
• ♫ I TOLD THAT DEVIL TO TAKE YOU BACK ♫
• Waverly in research mode is amazing. Again, this is my TV type. Cute, ridiculously smart, hilarious, adorable, and also a slight tinge of insecure. Do I want to date her character, or AM I HER CHARACTER? No one knows.
• And she tries so hard to look grown-up for her meeting.
• When someone disses her sister.
• Wynonna’s “they used to be [people]” vs. Dolls’ theory that Revenants definitely aren’t really outlines the differences between the two of them as people. Grey-scale vs. black-and-white.
• Waverly’s horrible at acting casual. Exhibit A.
  

  

  

  
• Love that Dolls clocks WayHaught IMMEDIATELY.
  

  

  
• Waverly dropping the Doc Holliday pic is like Giles always immediately finding the answer to the Demon of the Week in the first book he chooses.
• How is he so handsome even in an olden-timey photo?!
• Where did Doc get those glasses, anyway?
• Doc is many things, but even at this point in time, I don’t think he’s either a traitor or a bitch, despite what his trailer door may say.
• “I question what sort of a man sends an angel to do his bidding.” Like, can he just not turn it off?!
• Okay, so here’s the thing. Doc grabbing Bethany’s hand and putting it on his…lower mustache area made me extremely uncomfortable…and I don’t remember it happening in the first dozen times I watched. Perhaps it’s in part because of the current climate of the world and all of the discussion around harassment, etc., but it has bothered me for weeks. I think it’s because that’s not how the Doc Holliday I know acts. Someone who’s so smooth shouldn’t have that as a go-to-move. And I do realize that Bethany is willing, but grabbing someone’s hand like that made me feel…squicky.
  • [ Editor’s note — my friend Docstache helped me understand what was going on in this scene, and I wanted to include it, because it was eye-opening to me.  Thank you, DS. ]
• Wynonna asks about the dull knife, but when we see the severed hand, that cut looks…pretty clean to me.
• How is Waverly not even a litle bit curious about why Doc Holliday is in her bar?
• “The three of them made me what I am” — so Wyatt, Edwin, and Ward, by sending him to Hell three times?
• If Wynonna had just SHOT HIM directly after withdrawing her weapon, he would be dead and this episode would be 15 minutes long.
• Think that coffee is from Shorty’s?
• “Just a two-inch clamp for my tow hook,” he says as he peruses sunglasses.
• Hi, yes. Hello. I’d like to know more about her backstory. Please and thank you.
• Oh, Shorty. You were always too good for Purgatory.
• Ohhhh. So he got injured when he fell into that table of junk, I guess.
• Love that even Gary is creeped out by Marty.
• I’m just saying that Nedley makes the khakis work.
• “Never go to a second location” will forever make me think of Bridget at ClexaCon.
• Okay, so Wynonna really didn’t notice Dolls put A TRACKER ON HER?!
• Seriously, that moment seemed so out of character for him that I immediately assumed he planted something on her.
• Dear TV gods: let this be my recurring character in season 3, a la Pete and Perry.
• How many cell phones does Dolls have?!
• Calm down, Officer Haught. Everyone can see how thirsty you are.
• Sexual tension award
• And then Bobo sniffs Doc’s hat? This may be an unprecedented double Sexual Tension Award.
• It took me way too long to realize Waverly’s phone ringing was Nicole calling her about Champ and Wynonna. Like, way too many watches.
• I have correctly identified three of these non-Clootie names as writers for the show, but I’m stumped on the other two…maybe because I can’t read Waverly’s chicken scratch.
• Waverly’s face confronting Doc is basically Willow’s Resolve Face.
• TIM ROZON’S FACE.
• “Vapid brain pan”? YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR, SIR.
• Love that she makes the Revenants open the safe door.
• “So after this, do you maybe want to hit the outlet mall and go shopping for coats?”
• It’s like she’s going to the drive-in with the only people she could rustle up last-minute because there’s a discount if there are five people.
• When Dolls tells Nedley and Nicole to “clear the scene,” both officers walk away, but Dolls keeps his eyes trained on Nicole. Does he sense something is up with her immediately? Has he known her all along? Was she a plant to keep tabs on the Cult of Bulshar? Was this the long game all along? Did Shamier just want to keep his eyes on the person in frame? WE MAY NEVER KNOW.
• “I want this one’s body because I’m going to possess it.” *throws Champ into the side of  the van*
• “They’re gonna eat us.” Oh, Champ.
• Oh, Dolls. This is why you keep getting voted THAT BITCH.
• That gluten line is hilarious.
• Wynonna, who never claims to be good or brave, offering herself up for Shorty…and Champ.
• “I always told Gus and your sister you’d come back.” Oh, Shorty. Now I’m tearing up.
• This Revenant is so bad at Revenanting. Like, you have “hostages,” but you have no way to keep them there, and the pretty one runs away. Idiot.
• I guess now we know where the Lost Smoke Monster went.
• Shorty was always in Wynonna’s corner, and I’m so sad for her that she lost him.
• So, I assume they’re in the middle of nowhere, near the GRT line. Somehow Chump manages to find Dolls, huh? Sure, Jan.
• I’m honestly confused by the strength of the zip ties here. Wynonna breaks them across her knee, bleeding Revenant!Shorty rips them off with brute strength, but Champ needs to have Dolls cut his.
• I don’t know why, but I never noticed until this very watch that Revenant!Shorty had the Revenant’s voice.
• Dolls’ hair is always so perfect. I wonder if someone in Purgatory cuts it, or if he goes to The Big City.
• I GUESS PEACEMAKER DOESN’T LIKE YOU, DOLLS.
• What happens if you shoot a Revenant in, like, the leg?
• Nicole is so young, and her pants are so khaki. Also, Waverly, do we need to discuss appropriate funeral attire? Is this why she skipped Uncle Curtis’ funeral — all her off-the-shoulder shirts were at the cleaner’s? As a final thought, I loved these nerds holding hands…and then not.
  

  

  
• Me when people try to hug me.
• “Wynonna tells me you were really brave.” I…doubt that.
• Me when people try to hug me and I don’t know them.
• Is Nicole so desperate for people to talk to that she’s almost confiding in Dolls about her giant crush on Waverly?
• I don’t think I’ll ever forgive Dolls for Shorty’s death.
• MELANIE. SCROFANO’S. FACE.

Well, friends, you’ve finished the recap that was months in the making. Hopefully I’ve shaken off the dust and can get back to a regular posting schedule. It’s nice to get back into it, and I just keep telling myself to write the damn thing. I can worry about it maybe not being shitty later.

Stay sexy and don’t get sent to Hell by Peacemaker!