HELLO, EARPERS AND FRIENDS.

Have I mentioned how busy fall season is at work? Or have you just been able to tell from the lack of Earping on my part? Ugh. And I’m so tired when I get home that sometimes instead of writing, I read SuperCorp fanfic, because it relaxes me. But then sometimes I’m reminded that Kara/Mon-el fanfic exists and it makes me sad for humanity.

So, fresh off my recent gig for Docstache, I’m going to start recapping season one. I cannot promise you a posting schedule or any sort of timeline, but I can guarantee they will be:

• Unnecessarily Long
• Full of too many screenshots
• Done before the premiere of season 3
• Chock-full of pop-culture references
• Replete with spoilers, so if you’re just reading as you watch, well, locate a legit recapper instead of me

Does that sound like your thing? If so, well, grab your bus ticket and chestnut latte (and a GoGirl just in case), a shovel (though we don’t know why), and be careful of angry sisters wielding shotguns. Here we go!

Monica’s Random Points of Randomness:

• Oh, this bus’s name is awfully close to the name of Wyatt’s gun, the Buntline Special.
• Kiersten, I was sad to see you go. I think we would have gotten along well. And you and Wynonna. And probably you and Doc, TBH.
• I wonder what Kiersten was doing on a bus in the middle of nowhere.
• “Let’s close our eyes and sing Mama’s lullaby — just until the bad guys go away.” Hmm…maybe it’s something Mama picked up in the cult.
• THAT BITCH.
• I’m no bus-driving expert, but driving on a tire that flat? I don’t think that’s the best plan.
• Wynonna really has no idea how much of a good person she is. How easy would it have been to just stay on the bus as it powered away from danger? Sure, the ride would have been uneven (because FLAT TIRE), but mentally easier. But she stayed and she fought because it’s the right thing to do.
• AND BECAUSE SHE’S THE GODDAMN EARP HEIR.
• The Earp sisters and tire irons are another of my OTPs.
• It took me an embarrassing number of watches to realize the Revenant in the opening was the same as the guy with the eyepatch…and he had the eyepatch because of what happened in the opening. I’ve never claimed to be smart. Thank Willow I’m pretty.
• Do you remember when we were all young and naive and this show hadn’t ruined us for every other show? When we first heard that music that plays when shit’s about to get crazy? Those were good times…but these times are even better.
• Pirate Revenant. Arrgh.
• AND THE FIRST TIME WE HEARD THE THEME SONG. CHILLS.
• It’s always crazy to me when people trash their phones. Like, you paid for that. Really? You’re going to bust up the card and throw it away?
• GUS! GUS AND HER SASS! 
• Love that someone asks Wynonna what she’s doing at her uncle’s funeral. Um…it’s her uncle’s funeral?
• “He’s a good kid,” Gus says about Champ, as she shifts her eyes to the side. LIES.
• It’s amazing how a character whose first lines were “runaway, whore — who knows what kind of trouble this girl got herself into” would become such a multi-layered favorite of mine.
• Although now Nedley’s mansplaination of coyotes, etc., sounds like what it probably was — trying to get the fancy agent out of his hair and keeping the residents of Purgatory happily unaware.
• “And maybe the occasional Greek goddess.” You mean like…Aphrodite, Dolls? 
• Two Classic Trousers and a Neoclassic Pant: A Portrait.
• Will we ever hear about that summer with the Banditos or what the Bleecker case was all about?
• Seeing Shorty interact with Wynonna makes me sad for when she has to kill him. He’s one of the few people it seems like she really relates to and cares about. How many loved ones will have to die because of her?
• Stupid Carl calling Doc “Doug Holliday”? Genius.
• Champ looks like Kate McKinnon’s impression of Justin Bieber.
• Hi, I am Champ and this is definitely my apartment. That “cowgirl” key rack was a gift from my grandmother.
• It is so on brand for Champ to have full sleeves, where everyone can see, and then one tiny tattoo on his chest (Champ stamp!) that he probably gave up on because it hurt too much. Also, I assume it’s a sword, but it definitely looks like a wiener from here.
• UGH. FINE. It’s a sword. But YOU’RE still a wiener, Champ.
• She’s holding a knife on him, but it’s the nipple twist that makes him scream.
• I’ve said it before and I will say it until the end of time. Best. TV. Entrance. Ever.
  

  

  

  

  

  

  
• That “you grew out your…hair” line with accompanying hand gestures? Amazing.
• Also, this is when we all started to fall in love with Waverly Earp. Except for Nicole. That’s in a week.
• There was a character on Days (still is, maybe) named Steven “Patch” Johnson, and let me just tell you, apparently it isn’t just that all men who have eyepatches are handsome. Oof. Like, don’t you have a fresh-looking one of these in your Revenant drug store? I guess the healthcare plan is probably pretty awful. Even if it is Canada.
• No lie, I had to close my eyes during Stupid Carl’s tongue-ectomy. I’m so delicate.
• Love that he stomps out Carl’s tongue like it’s a Virginia Slim.
• How quickly it changes from high-waisted shorts to 17 layers, #basic boots, and a scarf for pulling in Purgatory.
• “Small town, limited dating options.” JUST YOU WAIT. JUST YOU WAAAAAIT.
• Waverly’s reaction of “we need that gun” is just one tiny piece of proof that she’s the Earpiest Earp.
• So Wynonna told Waverly not to talk about the Earp curse and then ghosted her, basically. Oh, my. How far the Earp sisters have come by the end of season one. NOT TO MENTION SEASON TWO.
• She’s just such a Good.
• I want to have a premiere party just so I can serve whiskey in teacups.
• Not to be all Lesbian Who Objectifies, but, damn, Dolls looks good in a suit.
• Oh, hey, is there a plate in there? Metal? Not lead?
• I swear Waverly’s shorts got shorter after she comes down from the upstairs after Dolls leaves.
• “A swift kick to the box” was one of those lines that really told me this would be my kind of show.
• “Tell Gus I’m taking the truck.” So…for like two seasons, you mean?
• Remember when we were all young and naive and thought Waverly wore a crop top? We were so blind. Literally.
• Such a sad, lonely shot.
• Okay, to be fair, it really did need some decorative throw pillows.
• Young Waverly’s “you’ll stop them, Daddy” is so sad with the knowledge we have now about how Ward treated her. She tries so hard, even with a man who didn’t remember her birthday.
• One of the things that immediately got me in this pilot was the humor. A character talking to themselves is an often-used (and necessary) device, but the fact that Wynonna calls herself out on it (I’m talking to my truck) really hit me that this show just…got me.
• Oh, Revenant Eye Patch, nice flip phone.
• Why does Wynonna need a shovel to get the gun out of the well, actually exactly?
• I simultaneously love Gus, because GUS, and am very upset with her for making Wynonna feel crazy about the demons when she very clearly knew they were real all along.
• I love that Wynonna wore her jacket INTO THE WELL.
• Dolls is driving a sedan, so I guess he upgraded to a Not Inconspicuous Federal Agentmobile somewhere before his second-tolast scene later?
• Remember Melanie Scrofano’s face? Me too.
• You’re telling me that with all of BBD’s money and history they didn’t do a comprehensive background check on the Earps and know that Willa was the “true” heir?
• Remember how this by-the-book uptight agent is ACTUALLY A DRAGON?!
• So…knowing what we know about Peacemaker, I kind of feel like young Wynonna wouldn’t have been able to shoot her dad without Peacemaker’s “consent,” for lack of a better word. We don’t see what color it glows when she points it at him, and even if we did, the sepia-toned flashback isn’t ideal for seeing that. Also, it’s possible these flashbacks are literally Wynonna’s memories and not to be treated like historical footage.
• And by the end of Nedley’s journey in season 2, I really do like him, but holy shit, is he a cunt blaster in these early episodes. “Haven’t the people you love suffered enough?” This from a man who KNEW THERE WERE DEMONS. And still acted like Wynonna was crazy. Not cool, Sheriff.
• Wow. Waves really owns a lot of cowboy boots. Really trying to stay on brand with that “cowgirl” theme.
• Chloe, I love your wall of weird. You’ll get those meteor freaks someday.
• “I’m ready to help.” She’s SO PROUD.
• It’s amazing how completely Waverly has forgiven Wynonna for shooting Ward, when Wynonna probably never will.
• Even when the Earp sisters are fighting, still such good moments.
• Okay, I’m not 100% sure, but I think that type of whiskey is Crossroad Whiskey. Subtle, as Wynonna is most definitely at a crossroads here.
• Doc’s mustache is looking a little skimpy. The well is bad for growing luxurious facial hair.
• Love Wynonna and Doc’s meet cute. “I just figured you were a prostitute.”
• And “sometimes life chooses for us.” Omnipotent Doc telling us how Wynonna feels about her entire life already.
• No matter how many issues Gus has with Wynonna, she still trusts her to fix the problem.
• Dolls starts the episode out in a suit and tie, then loses the tie somewhere. He continues dressing more and more casually through the end of season two. By the series finale, he’ll just be in a tarp.
• I think one of the main reasons Wynonna begins to trust Dolls is because he’s the first one to admit he believes in demons.
• I do love Wynonna on a motorcycle.
• “You hanging in there?” Such a sister thing to say.
• Wait. So Malcolm was sentenced to die by Wyatt by hanging, and took 14 minutes to die. By hanging. But…not by Peacemaker? Am I the only one who was under the impression that a Revenant needed to be put down by Peacemaker first in order to come back? This is something I totally didn’t remember.
• OMG. This hanging sequence, with the exploding bike and gasping Waverly and asshole Revenants, is so, so great. All of it. I think it was maybe this moment when I went from “this is good” to “holy shit, this is my jam.”
• “This is just another way I didn’t want to be like Willa. Please don’t shoot me.”
• Such a beautiful shot.
• So many beautiful shots.
• Melanie’s face during the “You brought backup?” “…Yeah!” part — probably the part that sold me on her facial expressions.
• Love that Dolls makes them ride in the back like criminals.
• Also, the music in this show? Like gum, it’s perfection.
• Waverly just looks so…young.
• Really? BBD didn’t know the demons couldn’t leave the Ghost River Triangle?
• I like that the Revenants are all shapes and sizes and looks. Like, most of the vampires on Buffy were attractive, and just logically, that doesn’t make sense. Props to WE for keeping it real.

Monica’s Favorite Earp sisters moment:

The end scene, post-Revenant shootout.

Monica’s Final Thoughts:

Pilots are tough since there’s no much information to lay out in 44 minutes. Some parts of this actually did feel like a trip on the Earpsplain train, but for the most part, it was entertaining, enjoyable, and super fun. I was instantly hooked, and rewatching that proved it. I am excited to keep going!

Podcast Post Script

Do you disagree with this label and think that this recap is, in fact, unnecessarily short? Do you wish you could listen to me ramble even more about Wynonna Earp, maybe with some friends? Good news! I’m starting a podcast with BP and MIchelle called There’s Something in the Heir, and we are STOKED. If you haven’t already, give us a follow at @Earpsplainpod, and look for our ramblings on DragonCon on Tuesday. Our first official episode talking about the pilot will be soon to follow. We look forward to talking to all of you about one of our favorite subjects, Wynonna Earp.