Queer Fangirl AF

Today is National Coming Out Day. I officially came out years ago, and (let’s be honest) unofficially way before that with all of that flannel I wore. Anyone who has ever read this blog knows that it was a rough process for me. Growing up, I felt alone. I thought that no one could possibly feel the way I felt, and I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. It led to some dark times for me, but I eventually accepted and embraced who I am. I wish I could go back in time and tell this girl that it does, in fact, get better.

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One of the roughest things was that I felt like I had no one to talk to about it. I almost kind of did once, that time my “friends” started a rumor about me that I was gay. I introduced myself to a friend of a friend with “I’m Monica, and my friends think I’m gay.” Her response? “I’m Beth, and I don’t care.” (Still friends, by the way.) But after that rumor was shut down, I shut down about it. No sense drawing attention to the thing that almost ruined (and ended) my life.

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One of the great things about the internet — and, yes, there are many awful things, but so, so many great ones — is that, no matter what community you want to be a part of, you’ll find it. And with lesbian spaces disappearing, that’s more important than ever.

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The Big Day, part 2

All pictures below are courtesy of the amazing Laura Kathleen Photography. If you need a photographer, look her up. She was part of what made our day so amazing. Laura, if you’re reading this, I’m still sorry you didn’t have time to eat dinner and you had to take it to go. I blame the hotel.

Guys. Remember how I got married last year? I’m biased, but I definitely think our wedding and reception is probably the best wedding I’ll ever attend in my entire life, or that anyone will attend in any lifetime. But maybe I’m biased.

I woke up early that day and couldn’t sleep because of excitement. I walked down to a coffee shop — our event coordinator’s suggestion and one of the few positives about her — and got us breakfast. The rest of the morning is a blur, quite honestly. The only standout to me is when I stood, naked, in front of the sink in our kitchen and ate leftover wings from the night before. And, yes, Chris still married me.

Chris, Amy, and I all kind of got ready together. Chris did my makeup, and she and Amy did their own makeup and got their hair done. Dawn did my hair, too, but it seriously took about 30 seconds. Chris’ hair looked amazing. If you have a special day needing special hair, give Salon Sartori a try.

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Photographing proof of me wearing makeup. Also, look how awkward I am when just holding Chapstick!

Then my mom came and hung out with me while the girly people took 17 hours to get ready. And Laura took some shots of our jewelry, our clothes, and my mom and I trying to overcome our awkward German nature and touch each other.

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Then…it was time. Time to marry my most favoritest person in the world. If you’d like to know my feelings about that, please see the picture to the above left.

To be continued!

Toronto, part 3

We left dinner with our new friends, both still alive. None of them turned out to be murderers, which was an added bonus.

Chris got to pick what we did the next day because I had hijacked Saturday. As always, she chose wisely. We breakfasted at Tim Horton’s, because Canada, and headed to Toronto Island. We skipped the ferry and chose instead to take a water taxi…which meant we were jammed on a pontoon boat with 10 other people. Have I mentioned lately about my fear of drowning, water, and/or boats?

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Before…

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During…

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After.

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Toronto, part 2

I wrote about our first full day in Toronto at Fan Expo here, if you’re interested. If not, let me bottom line it for you. We went to the Wynonna Earp panel and hung out all day in line. It was awesome and amazing and we met cool people, both stars and fans.

Some of those people invited Chris and me to dinner, and we joined them, because I was still riding high on my fangirl buzz. Sadly, Angie had to go home and take care of her and Belinda’s dog, so five of us walked the streets of Toronto a bit, following local Belinda blindly because the Americans didn’t know our way around. Seriously, she could have been taking us to kill us. We didn’t know.

(Let me interrupt this to say that when I talked about dinner on Twitter, I tagged the wrong person. So I “made up for it” my tagging her in a dozen or so pictures that she had nothing to do with. So hopefully I didn’t lose a friend there.


Remember that time I high-fived you a year before we met?!)

On the walk over, I talked a lot with Michelle, who I didn’t chat with much at the Expo. She was saying she connects to TV shows like Wynonna Earp because she lives in Iowa and…there’s no one like her in Iowa. I explained my growing up — West Virginia, Catholic, connecting to gay characters, etc. — and she sympathized. I didn’t actually think we’d have that much in common because I’m so much older than her, but by the end of the 10-minute walk, I wished she lived in Pittsburgh so I could set her up with a friend. They’d be cute together. Damn you, non-existent teleportation!

We got to dinner and sat outside, and that’s when all of the exhaustion and excitement of the day really hit us. Our poor waitress. We inadvertently made her job much, much harder than it should have been, not knowing what to order and oversharing about our big day. She didn’t care, and we didn’t care that she didn’t care. So she learned quite a bit about us.

Belinda told us all how one of the few things that Canada doesn’t do well is Mexican food, despite the waitress’s suggestion of tacos and enchiladas for our dinner. We all listened to her advice…meaning that three of the five people ordered tacos and enchiladas. I found out Heidi is my sauce spirit animal, disliking mayo and sour cream as condiments but liking ranch dressing and sour cream as a dip. She admitted she gets her Primanti’s sandwiches without cole slaw, which I was willing to overlook since she’s a Columbus dweller who has actually been to Pittsburgh and Primanti’s. Plus, next time we go to World Market, we have a new friend to visit.


We took no pictures, so please enjoy this one of Chris and me holding a lantern in front of a covered bridge. 

Belinda, who was wearing a Buffy t-shirt, asked me who the first couple I ever shipped was. I have never been asked this question, but as the words came out of her mouth, I realized I had found my people. I hesitated, not knowing how to answer. “What was the first fanfic you read?” Again, no judgment for reading fancfic — honest curiosity about what the first I read was. “Willow and Tara was the first fanfic, but I think my first ship was probably Dr. Kerry Weaver and Kim Legaspi.” After some exclaiming about Elizabeth Mitchelle and Lost, like you do, I (somewhat embarassedly) admitted that my first (hetero) ship was probably Jack and Jennifer from Days. Instead of scorn, I was met with, “I loved them, too! Their Wild West wedding!” “And his hysterical laryngitis!” Not since Big Gay Tony up and stopped talking to me for no reason had I been able to fangirl like this about Days. Reunited and it feels so good!

 One of my favorite stories of the night was from Heidi about her encounter with the border guard. She explained she was staying with friends she knew only from Twitter. “So you’ve never met in person?” she asked, the look on her face clearly saying she thought Heidi would end up dead. It didn’t seem ridiculous to any of us to stay with someone we hadn’t actually met. It made perfect sense. And perhaps in my episode of “Dateline,” that’s the blog excerpt they’ll read. 

Border guard, if you’re reading this, I’m happy to report Heidi is both alive and well and the proud new owner of a “The 100” sticker from Fangirl shirts, courtesy of me. She said that was the best of my sticker pack, so how could I not give it to her?

Amongst the fangirling, food. Despite Belinda’s warnings, our tacos were delicious. Well, “tacos.” I do not think they were authentic. Also, heated discussion about what goes on a hot dog. If you said “whatever you want,” “ketchup,” or anything but “mustard,” really, a shouting match commenced. 

Also common amongst all of us — a strong love of Harry Potter. “What house are you in?!” I was asked. Later, I did the official sorting on Pottermore, and I disagree with the results. But I digress. 

They also suggested Carmilla, a Canadian lesbian vampire web series sponsored by a feminine-hygiene company. Good recommendation, guys. I may not be as deep as you, but I’m definitely a Creampuff. I think if I had seen it before WE, I would have connected more. 

It was a fun evening with queer ladies who all liked similar things. It was the most comfortable I think I’ve ever felt in a group situation with a bunch of strangers. Say what you want about Wynonna Earp — it brought us all together and made me feel like I had found my people. It’s a feeling I won’t forget soon, and one more thing I’ll always be grateful to that show for. 

That…and this signed comic from Tim Rozon. 


Because queer or not, that is a handsome — and extremely nice — man. 

I’m already looking forward to next year and their (clearly inevitable) trip to Pittsburgh. Angie is a Dodgers fan and I insisted she needed to see PNC Park. They have so many things you can put on hot dogs — pulled pork, pierogies, ketchup. They’ll all love it, I’m sure. 

Fan Expo 2016

Guys. I have all of the feelings about all of the things.

I had casually mentioned to Chris that it might be fun to go to Fan Expo on Labor Day weekend. Mark Hamill would be there, Gillian Anderson, and, you know, an entire convention of cool nerdy stuff that we liked. A few weeks ago, though, it was announced that the Wynonna Earp cast would be doing a panel and autograph signing/photo op. My attitude quickly changed from “we probably shouldn’t spend the money” to “CAN WE PLEASE GO, HONEY?!” As anyone who has read this blog before knows, I have the greatest wife, and she agreed. Hotels were ridiculous, so she found us a cute Airbnb that ended up being about a $10 Canadian Uber ride from downtown.

I made some new friends on Twitter and was looking forward to meeting them in person, because if it’s one thing I excel at, it’s being friends with people I’ve never actually met.

That probably tells you something about my personality.

We left work early on Friday, and spent what felt like 17 hours driving there, but it was only 8. It should have been about five, but, you know, whatever. Holiday traffic. Also, Ruby Tuesday salad bar!

We settled in, had a glass of wine — well, like 1/4 glass because I’m a lightweight — and went to sleep. In true Monica form, I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm went off — 6:45am — because I was excited! We got ready, I realized I had the location wrong in my head — so many thanks to Chris for saving us at the last minute on that one — Uber’d downtown, grabbed breakfast, and headed to the convention center.

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Yeah!

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The Eve of the Big Day

I know, I know. I’m moving in reverse. I know I live-blogged about the day before our wedding, but I left out a lot of stuff, like about the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner.

Oh, and — as Chris just reminded me — how our sink exploded that morning.

Okay, I’m being dramatic. There was a leak and a bit of a mess, right before we were leaving to begin our prep day. We looked at each other and realized there really wasn’t much of anything we could do at that point other than clean it up, have minimal use of the sink, ask our friends who were checking on Graham to make sure nothing fell apart, and hope for the best.

(Nothing fell apart, and all is well.)

We got our nails done, did a bunch of prep with some friends and family, and then went upstairs to get ready for our rehearsal and also some cookie dropoff.

(Guys, our cookie table was epic, and that isn’t an exaggeration, but you’ll have to wait to see that for yourselves in a post or two).

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Sister-in-Law Amy demonstrating how to sit down or something, I guess.

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The Big Day, part 1

I don’t know if I mentioned this or not, but I did get married last October.

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This is how I felt about it.

It was the best day of my life. Not an exaggeration. I wish I could have bottled up the feeling and sipped on it slowly when stress and doubt and other generic badness entered my life in the weeks and months after.

I live-blogged the day before the wedding, and it the room and person prep we did on our wedding eve. It’s fun to go back and read about the day that I didn’t know what Oxford heels were.

Like I said, our wedding was amazing. It was beautiful, touching, meaningful, amazing, and all sorts of other positive adjectives. The road leading up to it had a few bumps in it, though. I’ll mention a few of them briefly, and then I’ll get to the good stuff.

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Earper

So, as anyone who has read my blog in the last few months knows, I recently became interested in (obsessed with) a little show called Wynonna Earp. Some of the cast and the show runner (!!!) are going to be at Fan Expo in Toronto, and I somehow managed to convince Chris that we should go to it.

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She’s beautiful and generous. I’m so lucky.

I may have led with “Gillian Anderson will be there,” but, hey, whatever it takes, right?

So, I got online and bought the tickets, and everything was great, right? Nothing to worry about. I’m going to meet this cast and show runner that I admire and care about so much and —

Oh, shit. I’m going to meet this cast and show runner that I admire and care about so much.

F.

Wait. They’re just as nervous to meet me as I am to meet them, right?

Eh, probably not.

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Lottery

This blog post is less coherent than a lot of others. My mind has been a jumble of thoughts this week, and I guess this is just reflective of that. Sorry?

13 years ago Sunday, at 2:00am, my phone rang. A lifetime ago. 

My mom, telling me my dad was gone. 

It was yesterday, and it is a thousand years ago, all at the same time. 


My dad used to play the lottery every week, something that always surprised me about my no-shenanigans father. “It takes you from no chance of winning to a one-in-[however many, and he probably knew the exact number] chance of winning.” Kind of, “Why not try?”

The facts and figures and odds were probably something that appealed to his logical, research-chemist brain. You can’t win unless you play. You won’t have a chance unless you take one. The man was at one job for almost 30 years, though. You pick and choose what’s worth gambling on, I guess. 

I often think how lucky I am to have hit that magic lottery with those parents and brother of mine. Super supportive. Super understanding. Super progressive in small-town West Virginia. Being gay could have gone a lot worse.

They instilled the confidence in me to take a chance every once in a while. College in a big city away from home. Leaving an awful job. Moving in with someone. Accepting that sometimes, things are over and that’s okay because you can’t reason with crazy. Asking your work crush out after 10 years. 

Some hits, some misses. Acceptance of both, difficult things in their own ways. 


Sometimes you take a chance, and you lose. 

Sometimes, you don’t even have the opportunity to take that chance. 

He’s forever frozen at 59 in my head. Still healthy and active, ridiculously smart and dryly funny on occasion. Quiet and patient, able to do anything. At least in my mind. 

I am the loud, obnoxious, opinionated, independent woman my parents raised me to be. And one of the few things that makes me sad about my wedding day is that my dad couldn’t walk me down the aisle. 

He would have hated it. All that attention.

He never got to meet this most important woman in my life and be amused by her like the rest of us are. 

I see him in my brother sometimes. In myself sometimes. It’s a nice feeling. Makes him seem less…gone. Less abstract. More real. More solid. 

I saw a psychic once about a year after he died. The thought of him communicating with me was laughable, really. He hardly ever talked when he was alive. But the guy told me enough familiar things — specific things — that I thought it could be him. Some crazy shit, too, though — like about my romantic future being in California. 

Our second date a year and change later. At Disneyland. Yep. 

Always take that chance, because the odds can never be in your favor if you don’t even try, right?

I’ll be busy all weekend, which is probably good. Weddings and Kennywood and all sorts of other random shenanigans with friends and Chris’ family — both at the same time, in some cases. 

It’s not as difficult as it used to be. It does get better. But it never goes away. I don’t want it to, really. Because it’s a part of me. He’s a part of me. 

I wonder if he would be proud of me. Or disappointed. Or both. 

I know he’d love Chris. 

I wish they could have met each other. 

I wish he were still here. That part never changes. 

Happy weekend, friends. Hug your whoever extra tight and be happy they’re there. And always give yourself a chance, because you never know what could happen. 

WayHaught Wednesday

It’s been a long day, and yet here I am, sitting on the couch with Graham as company while Chris is asleep. The disadvantages of being on opposite shifts.


Thank God he is pretty stinking cute. 

My lunch break today consisted of taking part in a “power hour” where the Wynonna Earp fandom tried to get a hashtag to trend. The overall theme of today was WayHaught Wednesday, and I took part in that throughout the day. Towards the end of “pahr hahr” (yinz know ‘at’s hah we say shit n’at), I started tweeting gifts of characters who were victims of the Bury Your Gays trope, saying the show would never let that happen to our precious WayHaught. Simple. Easy. Difficult to choose. 

The first, my beloved Tara, the character death that made me nervous about getting invested in a gay character again. Tara, you got so much more interesting after you broke up with Willow, and then after you were both finally happy, they took it all away. Charlie from Supernatural, because Felicia Day is so amazing and so was that character. I chose Clexa from The 100, because even though I didn’t watch it, a good friend did, and she was traumatized by her death. Dana from The L Word. I quickly skimmed through a list of over 160 lesbian characters who met their untimely death and made my picks. 

My time was running short, so I switched to “we know you’ll let WayHaught end up like these couples” mode. Easy. Bo and Lauren from Lost Girl, obviously. Lesbian OTP of the century. And…um…oh, yeah. Graham and Megan from But I’m a Cheerleader. They rode off together in the back of a pickup truck, and so what it wasn’t TV? Next! 

Sigh. Damn it. So I tweeted a gif of Ellen and Portia. I realized things were desperate, so I googled. I quickly dismissed most of the ones I found. Bette and Tina? Ugh. I wouldn’t wish their relationship on my ex. Willow and Kennedy? Fuck you, list of 16. No way. Brittany and Santana? Oh, that’s a good one. Let’s quit while we are ahead, shall we?

WayHaught is so important because I had an easier time finding examples of dead lesbian characters than happy ones. 

WayHaught is so important because one — ONE — long-term lesbian pairing in recent history got their happy ending. (And I say “long-term” because I feel like I’m in the minority that really liked Callie and Penny together. Sorry, Calzona people. Please don’t wage war on me. Plus, I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of Callie at Seattle Grace, and we all know that her happiness is often temporary.)

The world is a confusing place for a young gay lady. I speak from experience. For every positive (legal marriage!), there’s a negative (senseless shooting in Orlando). For every build-up (I think I like a girl! I’m so happy!), there’s a tear-down (my “friends” started a rumor that I’m gay and my life is basically over). The value of a positive depiction of a queer couple (one confident, one figuring things out) can’t be overstated. 

WayHaught is important. WayHaught can make people realize they aren’t alone. WayHaught can save lives. 

We need a season 2 because we need more WayHaught in our world, for these important reasons and also because DID NICOLE HEAR WAVERLY SAY SHE LOVES HER?!

Also, WayHaught can make 39-year-old women turn into fangirls and enjoy every minute of it.